One Month

"When it comes to making a big change in your life, you have to want it more than fear it." 
- Unknown

A month ago yesterday I stood in front of my friend's camera. Exposed in a way I hadn't been other than in private - wearing only a sports bra and spandex pants. I thought it would be a good idea to take a "before" picture the morning of my surgery.

Yesterday was a month since surgery and my friend gave me a text greeting and mentioned that she would be over to take my monthly picture. Oh boy!

I never saw that first picture. I'm too embarrassed about what I could possibly look like to even want a glimpse. Scary stuff!

Can't say I was that excited about getting in to those spandex capris again either, to be honest.

I know I have had changes. Clothes fit much better now. Clothes that I've had squirreled away because they were too small fit now. And, I can feel the changes. I can see my toes over my belly now. My double chin doesn't seem as large.

But I wasn't sure I was ready to see the images.

Nonetheless, I went to change in to the spandex and sports bra again.

Pictures were taken. Full front, side, 3/4, arms up. Oy!

No! Don't show me. I don't like looking at myself - especially at the truth of it all.

I never look at a full length mirror. I only see my face to put on make up and dry my hair. I don't take long looks as I walk by a large window. I've never been one of those girls who enjoyed seeing their reflection. It wasn't a reflection I was proud of. Same goes for photos.

You won't see many photos of me around. Hate them. It just reminds me of my size. Right there. Undeniable. I'm huge. Why would I want to see that?  I'll hide behind someone or only take shots above my neck.

Seriously, it's scary stuff.

Then I got to thinking. What am I scared of? It's ok to be scared. If you face what you're scared of you can tackle it much harder, right? I need to face myself - my FULL self.

Will I see a change? What if I don't see a change? It's only been one month after all.

Scared and nervous.

Which is funny, really. I was never scared or nervous of the surgery or the decision to have it. It felt natural. I wasn't really nervous about the surgery the day I went to the hospital. And, it was never about being brave, it was about the fear of eating away my health.

Fine, let's look at this photo. Let's face this fear. Let's see the truth.

So my friend made a side-by-side photo and an overlap to see where I have been and where I am.

I was blown away. There it was on the screen.

I have changed. There was shrinkage. It was noticeable. I've got a long way to go, but what a reminder of why I'm doing this!

I wasn't so scared anymore. I do want this more than fear it. It's palpable.

I just need to keep moving forward. I have to keep wanting it more than fearing it.

We'll see what happens in another month!