I will not be eclipsed

"He cannot eclipse me, for he is not man or match for my brilliance."

~ Carmen

You'll have to bear with me... I'm still hurting from being told I was too much for one person. The person who told me he loved me.

We all go through breakups. We have all felt pain. I guess I had put my heart on hold for so long that when I allowed it to open and feel someone else's love, I breathed it in too deeply.

One reason he said we could not continue was my family. I told him it wasn't the reason, and he couldn't argue. I knew it was not the reason, but it still stung.

I sat today, silent, wondering... am I too much? Am I a hurricane? Will there be anyone who can handle who I am, what I have, who surrounds me, what I do?  How do I expand when I'm being told I already am too much?

He said he didn't want to say anything because he thought I would be too ashamed and embarrassed with his leaving me. And, I knew that was a lie too. I know that he was projecting his feelings of shame and embarrassment on to me, rather than want to feel the full force of what he was doing on himself. And, I venture to say there was guilt on his part in there too. A ton of guilt on many levels.

Then I thought - how dare you?

You called me a hurricane, and perhaps there is a lot of activities and family and friends surrounding me, but it doesn't stop me from living and loving and supporting and being there for another. I'm sure it looks like that when you are sitting in your living room...but what you don't know is that I am much more than that!

I am a mother.
I am a daughter.
I'm an adult - we have responsibilities.

I am a performer.
I am vibrant.
I am vivacious.
I am brilliant.

And, I can be a lover. A partner.

All these things are not mutually exclusive of each other.

What I've discovered as well, is that I am a Goddess!

I have a huge capacity for love and loyalty when given the opportunity. A true opportunity. A real opportunity. I live life to the fullest I can, and while someone may look in and believe that it looks like a hurricane, I'm not stopping because someone thinks I'm too much. I'm living. I'm alive.

And, I deserve a true man. One who's heart is truly available. Not a facade of a man who wants to be someone different, somewhere different, so as not to feel what he truly needs to feel. The man I love(d) has a level of pain to move through that no other person can help him navigate. He has a depth of pain that he has to find how to pull out of and through on his own.

I was a band-aid over his pain. I don't want to cover someone's wounds. I am more brilliant than that. I only shone more of a light on his loss and he was unable to withstand the heat and magnification. Unfortunately, I know he will continue to look for band-aids rather than face his fears and pains of his own loss. In fact, I am sure he already has.

However, in the midst of my anger, something incredible transpired.

While I sat silently reviewing what had happened, regaining my composure and reviving my brilliance, I received two texts from two different men. Men I have known for a little while and who I stepped away from because of entering into a more serious relationship.

Did I do that?

Did I send out some weird Bat-Signal calling these men back in my life?

It's too soon for me to take them up on their invitation, but wowza! I have their attention again. They came to me!

I am a goddess! I do SHINE!

I knew that I was successful, am successful in manifesting many things through intentions to complete goals and find love. And, I'm ready to do so again.

Interesting how I chose the crop circle of The Goddess for my next tattoo. Just this afternoon. This Afternoon!

So, thank you! Yes, you broke my heart. Yes, you made me question my being, if ever so briefly. But you also reminded me of the goddess that I am!

My intention is much clearer now than before!

Thank you for showing me that I need an intelligent man that is mentally, physically, emotionally available to love me, with a large capacity of patience, faith, and love. A man who is ready to go through all this with me as we support each other through life. And one who enjoys the winds and whirlwind of a full life and live to tell of its adventures.

It's not either of the nice men that reached out to me today. I know that. But, it's nice to know that I can call upon something deeper inside me to shine and be seen and heard.

I DO shine. I AM brilliant. I AM alive. And, I WILL love and BE loved again.

I WILL NOT be eclipsed.

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In The Heights runs August 18 - September 3 at the .Zack on Locust in the Grand Center Theatre District. Tickets can be purchased here.

Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Turning the page...

"How do you say goodbye and thank you to amazing experiences? To people, places and times? To moments so overwhelming you can barely breathe sometimes?"

~ Carmen

The major part of the months of July and August were an amazing whirlwind of emotions and triumphs. Of love and loss. Of joy and of pain. Of new beginnings and happy/bittersweet endings.

• My daughter began a new year at a new school making new friends.

• I was privileged to be asked to join R-S Theatrics that is helmed by an amazing woman of character and vision.

• I'm playing the role of a lifetime (Abuela Claudia in In The Heights) in such a way that people are moved and the production and I have been blessed by receiving amazing reviews.

• I am working with talented and giving individuals.

• Made friends.

• Fell in love and lost love. 

All within less than a 45-day time span. A few hectic weeks.

Weeks that were so packed with such powerful feelings that they would have been better spread throughout a year's time. But, hey - why do things the easy way!?

The range of emotions isn't lost on me. I'm feeling the impact with such force that it's hard for me to breathe sometimes.

What's interesting, however, is I have come to realize that the power really is in my hands. My incredible friend and mentor has taught me to Shine! To come into my own. To find my uniqueness and not let it be tarnished by others! That alone is a powerful feeling. And one I have come to expect of myself and to not back down.

So, I set my intentions, my goals if you will, to have these items come to fruition. And they did - with such overwhelming intensity, it has been difficult to comprehend!

My daughter's happiness is my own. Of course, we would make a move to ensure her happiness. And she is now happy. The happiest I have seen in a long while.

One of my main goals was to return to professional acting - and boy did I do that with gusto! In a marvelous company that sees a bigger picture than ourselves. In fact, the reviews for this production, and having been singled out at times within them, were overwhelming. I'm blessed. Truly.

And, I met a wonderful man.

I set my intention for him and he presented himself so quickly. Looking back I guess I should have made a few of those intentions clearer. More succinct. More direct.

He told me once that I was a hurricane. I'm not sure I like the metaphor with everything happening in Texas right now; however, I understand why he called me that.  I have so much swirled around me that the first part of the last bullet point was difficult to maintain. Don't get me wrong - he has some very heavy issues too. But my hurricane status made our meeting that much more powerful. For this man was not ready for the hurricane. He's not really ready for any type of storm - or even a cloudy day right now - for he is going through difficult gray skies of his own...but that's his story to tell.

I'm heartbroken for what could have been, but happy for what was. He gave me a wonderful month of love and acceptance. One month of warmth and a form of praise and attention, I hadn't had in a very, very long time. A rock in a stormy system that was the last few weeks of my life.

A month that felt like a lifetime. Incredible what strong feelings aroused in that short amount of time. I will miss him terribly. And hope he finds his way back to me. But, that may be wishful thinking.

I find solace in the words of my friend and mentor, "If not this, something better." It's hard to imagine "something better" than his love and affection right now. But, endings of one thing are always a new beginning for another. (Someone, please keep reminding me of this...)

I have one more weekend of performances with this wonderful troupe. One more weekend of performances to embody this wonderful character. And, the start of a weekend to move on without a partner. And, that's ok...

Because my heart is filled with so much gratitude for what was and has been an incredible chapter in my life. He helped me find love again. Something I hadn't had in a very long time. And, I know I am capable of love and worthy of love and will love and be loved again.

And, after this weekend, I will start concentrating on me once more. The person me. The healthy me. The woman me. Me.

Time to turn the page.

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In The Heights runs August 18 - September 3 at the .Zack on Locust in the Grand Center Theatre District. Tickets can be purchased here.

Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Theatre Diversity Confluence

"Some people commit their lives to this, and all they want to do is give you something special."

~ Chris Colgin, Riverfront Times

What a wonderful time in St. Louis theatre at the moment. What amazing talent resides in my hometown!

There was an article written by Chris Colgin in the Riverfront Times a while back, Hey, St. Louis: You're Missing Some Really Good Theatre. It spoke about the abundance of theatre in our town yet finding empty seats at performances.

And, I agreed when I read the article. Companies work so hard at putting their all, their best, their

heart into a production, yet only sell half the house of seats.  There are many things that take up our collective time: sports, family, life, laundry.  But, what is presented on stage is sometimes bigger than that. Yes, it mimics our lives, places a magnifying glass on moments, and sometimes gets too close to home. Our relationships. Our communities. Our history.

There are so many things circling around us right now in the country. So many "not-so-great" things. Things and people attacking the strength of our diversity. Not recognizing how, without diversity, we would not have a country. And, not realizing how we have treated others "not like us" has harmed us in so many hurtful, hateful ways.

I feel there is a confluence in St. Louis theatre right now. Two shows playing this weekend have shown on stage what it means to be a person of color or an immigrant. These shows have reflected how we have treated one another and how that treatment has magnified our lives in history. These shows have shown what it means when we search for home and acceptance.

A confluence of time. A confluence of history. A confluence of theatre.

"Ragtime" at Stray Dog Theatre has sold out every performance on their schedule! EVERY. PERFORMANCE.

It tells the story of three groups of people in 1920's America: an African-American musician, white upper-class suburbanite family, and Jewish immigrants. Each one finding their truth. Each one's lives colliding. And, each life affected by the acceptance or non-acceptance of the other.

Powerful and beautiful and heart-wrenching and truthful. And, still a reflection of our time now. How hatred for another due to the color of their skin and the struggle due to their background is palpable and difficult to watch. Painful. Powerful. Yet, beautifully portrayed by those on stage.

"In The Heights" with R-S Theatrics - of which I am an honored cast member - tells the story of LatinX immigrants. Their struggle for acceptance and the need to find a place in the world. Their story of family and of home. How our lives mesh with people of other ethnicities and colors. Their struggle to find a place for heritage to be included in their current existence.

And, I'm happy to say, this show is also selling out dates quickly. As of this writing, we have sold out most of the 9 shows and are trying to add a new date.

We have a story to tell that's relevant and timely.

So, is this due to the theatre community's strength in St. Louis? Or is it a reflection of our time in history now? What's happening around us.

I always say that theatre is a voice for the voiceless.  Our director says "if we can touch one person with our story, that one person can make a difference in someone else's life." The ripple effect sounds beautiful.

Yes, there seems to be a confluence in theatre right now as we provide a glimpse at our lives on stage. Stories of how we are and have been Americans together. Living together. Struggling together. Existing together. Hating each other. Killing each other. Calling each other names. Protesting our perceived importance or lack thereof in some cases. But finding solace together. Strength together. Future together. Even when it seems impossible. The different colors on stage are proof we can work toward a common goal of beauty.

No matter the reason, the result is the same for us in theatre. Each of the performers - all performers - want to bring truth to our characters, to the story.

Come experience truth. Talk to each other. Love each other. Find our common ground and common ancestry. Our common home.

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In The Heights runs August 18 - September 3 at the .Zack on Locust in the Grand Center Theatre District. Tickets can be purchased here.

Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Strong Latinx Women and the story of Home and Heritage

"As you begin to realize that every different type of music, everybody's individual music, has its own rhythm, life, language, and heritage, you realize how life changes, and you learn how to be more open and adaptive to what is around us."

Yo-Yo Ma

If you know me, you know I adore my kid! She's talented, bright, kind and way more mature than other kids her age. And, you'll also know that she carries the same gene I do... Theater!

We both adore performance. Music. Theatre. Singing. Give us a microphone! We'll find the spotlight. It's become our happy place.

It makes me so proud to know she loves it as much as I do. And, prouder to see how much she has grown into her craft. She is way better than I have ever been - and all at the young age of 16.

Gosh, I love my kid.

I have also been diligent at sharing our Mexican heritage with her. Make sure she knows where her grandparents came from. Make sure she is proud of her culture, the music, the food. But most importantly, her brown skin, her dark eyes, her curly hair.

Now image how proud and ecstatic I am for combining the two elements: Heritage and Theatre!

I mentioned that she was in a production of In The Heights with GCPA earlier this year. She played Nina and killed it!

I am privileged to now be in R-S Theatrics production of In The Heights (we open in a week) as Abuela Claudia. The best of all? She's working as an intern with the company and we will be sharing the stage as she has a cameo in the production!

She came up to me during one of the rehearsals, hugged me and said, "I'm so happy we are doing this together. I'm glad we are sharing a stage together in this show."

Yes. I shed a tear when she walked away. My heart was full.

I love sharing this experience with my daughter. I love that she gets to participate with a cast this diverse as we get to see brown and black and white faces come together so effortlessly. As though we all have been family for so long already.

But what's amazing...There are four sets of Latinx mother/daughter pairs in this production. FOUR!

1. Me, playing Abuela Claudia, and my lovely Isa, intern and cameo performer. 
2. Maritza Motto-Gonzalez, our Camila, and her amazingly talented daughter, Natasha Toro, as Vanessa. 
3. Cecily King, our genius choreographer and her wonderfully vivacious 5-year old daughter, who will also share the stage in a cameo. And, 
4. Our fearless, creative and talented director, Christina Rios, and her equally talented daughter, Sofia, both working behind the scenes.

Four Latina moms working along side our four Latina daughters.

Four moms sharing our heritage, our talents, our passion, our love with our younger selves.

And, I say "younger selves" because they are - a true manifestation of us at a younger age. Perhaps a better "us" - as in the case with me and my daughter - but each one of these fine young women/girls is a younger version of each of us women. A reflection of who we were perhaps. Of the promise of our future. A promise of our heritage alive in our time.

Each of us understanding how important this time, this musical, this production is for us, our families and our community.

Our daughters.

This musical is about family, home, heritage...the importance of sharing this with our younger selves is not lost on us.

And, at the end of the day, at the end of the show, at the end of the run, how proud we will be to have shared this experience with our children.

Come enjoy this experience with us. Bring your children and watch as generations of strong Latina women share the stage in this story of home.

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In The Heights runs August 18 - September 3 at the .Zack on Locust in the Grand Center Theatre District. Tickets can be purchased here.

Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

If Not Us, Who?

"If Not Us, Who?"

~ Maritza Motta-Gonzalez 

What a thrill and honor - being in this production! We are in the final rehearsals for In The Heights with R-S Theatrics! We open to previews on August 17. That's a week from today!

Words can't express what a wonderful experience this has been.

First of all this cast is WICKED TALENTED!

Every. Single. Person.  I get chills listening to them sing and watching them perform... and this is only in rehearsal!

Secondly, and this may be the most important part, the director and majority of the cast are Latinx or people of color! The diversity is wonderful. And, I can't express how extremely proud I am to be included in this production, with this company, with this Latina director, with this diverse cast.

Ok, so a quick synopsis of the story: In The Heights, written by Lin Manuel-Miranda (you know... the guy that wrote Hamilton), explores three days in the characters' lives in a New York City Latino neighborhood of Washington Heights. Their dreams, goals, disappointments, love, loss, lives - all scored to salsa, merengue and hip-hop music - is on stage for everyone to see. It explores what we consider and call "home." Where is home? How do you know you are home?

It's beautiful, it's torment, it's painful, it's lovely, it's life.

What's cool is my daughter played the lead role in the youth theatre group, GCPA's, production of In The Heights. She was one of a couple of Latinx kids on stage. When auditions were announced for R-S Theatric's production, my daughter said, "Mom, you HAVE TO audition!" She didn't really give me a choice in the matter.

She continued, "how many Latinos do you think are going to audition? You have to be in that mix."

She had a point. (Sometimes it irks me that my 16 year-old is smarter than I am!)

I believe that the cast members feel the same way. Especially our brown and black cast members. Especially in our times. It's important to show our diversity. Important to show our culture. Share our music. Share our talents. Share our lives.

It's important for me to show my daughter how proud I am of having a heritage I can share. Proud of our dark skin. Dark hair. Of being who we are - Mexican-American.

When speaking about the cast and the audition process, our "Camila," Maritza Motto-Gonzalez said, "if not us, who?"  I have been away from theatre for a while now (over 20 years to be precise), so I didn't know how diverse the theatre community really was in St. Louis. Come to find out - it's not very. Martiza's words, my daughter's words were both said with determination and truth.

I was fortunate to have been interviewed by Nancy Fowler for St. Louis Public Radio regarding the show and was asked how our diversity was shown on stage. Did it mesh with what we saw in St. Louis? You'll have to come see the show (I really do hope I see a lot of my friends in the audience) but I believe you can see a microcosm of diversity as you do, say on Cherokee Street. In St. Ann. In Maryland Heights. In all those places where brown, black and white faces live in harmony. It's not perfect harmony sometimes, but we strive to be harmonious.

It certainly is on stage... harmonious, I mean. The sounds coming out of these people is astounding! The family that is being created on and off the stage. The feeling of home we are experiencing each time we enter our rehearsal space and when we gather outside of rehearsals.

The icing on the cake? This is a professional company. I can call myself a professional actress again... and it feels so wonderful.

This entire process feels so wonderful. This cast feels wonderful. This show feels wonderful.

Come feel wonderful with us.

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In The Heights runs August 18 - September 3 at the .Zack on Locust in the Grand Center Theatre District. Tickets can be purchased here.

Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Shiny...Shinier...SHINE

"Interesting what happens when you begin to SHINE."

~ Carmen 

I've mentioned to you about recent goals and having achieved a good number of them.

Many of them were around my health and activities. Although I still haven't gotten on a bike. But I'm working on that!

• Losing weight
• Exercising
• Eating for health
• Participating in a 5K per month

A series of goals were around performing - wonderful goals that I have achieved so far.

• Audition
• Return to the Stage
• Perform with a professional company again

Pretty cool stuff! And, that's only the start. I have scheduled more auditions and will see where those lead me.

But there are other goals that I have met that seemed a little more farfetched. Goals I didn't realize were important to me.

• Start dating
• Meet a man

And, boy did I date... online no less. Many of you enjoyed reading about my travails. All those stories of who/what I met online. I have to admit they were interesting. And, exhausting. And, frustrating. Annoying. Creepy.

I left the online dating scene for a while.  It really was just too much. I had to step away and take a break.

But, then something interesting happened. I spoke with my dear friend and coach and we delved more in to her SHINE program. I remembered how scared I was when I first started speaking about showing up rather than hiding.

You see, SHINE is an interesting principle where you take your strengths and shadows and meld them to find your unique brilliance.  Finding that inner uniqueness and using it to find what makes you tic. What makes you YOU! Shift how you see and believe in yourself. Find your courage and confidence to turn up the real you. And, to voice what it is you want in this world.

So, I showed up! I rewrote my profile and used intention this time. No marketing or selling of me, per se. But truly asking for what I was seeking. What I was looking for in a partner.

And guess what?

The very minute I pressed send on my new profile I found a match. It was almost scary. Surreal. This new man and I began chatting. We met for coffee. We went out to dinner. And, we've been seeing each other for a while now.

Without telling each other we removed our online profiles.

It just feels right.

My family and friends like him. More importantly, my daughter seems to like him.

And, I'm happy.

It's amazing what goals, intentions and SHINE can do! It's amazing what being in the moment, authentic, honest and vocal can do!

And, I'm not done!

Of course, now I have to make up my new set of goals! I've pretty much completed the last set.

It's an exciting time.

What shall I come up with next?

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Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.