Not Being Heard

"Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person they are almost indistinguishable. "

~ David Augsburger

I am not a fan when I speak and people don't hear me.
I am not a fan when I try so hard to communicate well and cannot form my words. I can't make a complete sentence. Especially when I am in a place of anger, frustration, emotion. And, most especially when I'm speaking with family.

I am not a fan of people that don't listen. Yet, when I can't communicate, how do I expect them to hear me?

I am a communicator. I pride myself on being able to form sentences in such a way as to make others take notice. Yet, when there is subject so close to my heart, so full of emotion, so important to me that my tongue gets twisted I make no sense or allow others to step on what I am staying... well, that's not a good feeling at all.

I can't seem to make a convincing argument. At. All.

I know what I need do.
I know what I need to say.
I know what I want to do, to say.

Yet I do none of it.

And, I allow my emotions to get the better of me.
And, I allow the other person to get the better of me.

I feel discounted.
I feel brushed aside.
I feel disrespected.
I feel vulnerable.
I feel invisible.

And, I cry.

I don't like myself like this.  It's like a small panic or anxiety attack. Especially when it is with a family member. I shut down.

I hate it, actually. And, I'm not a fan of hating myself!

And why? Because I know I am not any of those things!

I know I am smart. I know I am somebody. I know I am a person with deep thoughts, coherent sentences, a clear mind.

So, what do I need to do to make myself clear? To get my point across?

I need to be true to myself. Allow the feelings come over me. Get through them.

And work on my personal communications skills once again.

The good thing about communications - it never really ends. You have a chance to make it right. You have a chance to say something again. You have a chance to clarify your thoughts.

Take a deep breath. Try again.

And, if the other person doesn't want to listen - understand, that's on them.

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Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

I Should...I AM

You Are Enough.
You are so enough.
It is unbelievable how enough you are!

~ Anonymous

Interesting word, Should.

Why do we give that word Should so much power for what we do or don't do - and allow it to give us shame?

I Should play with my kids more.
I Should eat healthier.
I Should workout.

It claims knowledge of the past.

I Should have known better.
I Should have not gone there.
I Should have not said that.

I guess I Should have more faith.  But the word Should seems only to harbor regret.

I Should have stayed.
I Should have listened.
I Should have loved.

And, Should seems to prevent us from being ourselves.

I Should be smarter...
... prettier
... braver
... funnier
I Should be more.

Why have we given so much power to such a small word - Should.

We really have to replace Should with Can or Will or Do or Am! Give ourselves permission to be ... To Be. To be whatever you want to be... to be enough!

I Can play with my kids.
I Will eat healthier.
I Can workout.
I Do know.
I Will go.
I AM smart.
I AM pretty
I AM brave.
I AM funny.
I AM Enough!

A friend of mine is an inspiration thru her I AM Enough Experience.  Her songs, her story, shows how, when we say "I Should" we are actually holding ourselves back. As she says, "We craft an acceptable version of the person who we believe we need to be in order to protect, hide and preserve our tender, innocent and loving self."

We all pass through our aches and pains. Everyone has them. But don't wait to give yourself permission to be enough. You already are enough.

I am done with the word Should. I have shown I Can. I Will. I Do. I Am.

Authentic joy is being enough and owning your enough-ness. Celebrating our being enough.

You Are Enough.

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Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

New Beginnings of Gratitude

"Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more." 

Oprah Winfrey

New Year. New Beginnings. New Resolutions. New Goals. New Gratitude.

There's something exciting about the start of a new year, isn't there?

A fresh start. Shake off the old and look forward to the new.

We get our new journal and prepare to write our first words of wisdom in it.  Crisp, clean paper just waiting for us to share our deepest thoughts.

Our new planner to write our first big meeting or to-do list. Big plans to do big things.

I have those - the planner and the journal. I do have big plans and big dreams. My intentions are set for exciting and new and challenging things this year.

And while I am looking forward, I remember to pause.

And I look back. And I am ever so grateful.

I remember where I came from and what I have accomplished in the past year. It makes me happy and proud.

I feel it's important to see where you came from and what transpired in the past year. Don't dwell on it or live in your past; especially if it was painful. But, it helps remind you of struggles you've overcome. Tears you shed. And, the strength you possess to get through them.

My family has a tradition at the start of the new year. We countdown to midnight. We hug and kiss and offer everyone in attendance at our little party a happy new year. Then we gather around our table and light 12 candles - one for every month of the year - and we pray. My mom leads us through a Hail Mary and an Our Father. We then go around the room and say what we are thankful for in the past year and what we hope for in the coming year.

Good grades, good health, thankful for family, happiness, hope, love.

It's, of course, personal for each person around the table. But the theme is the same - that of joy and gratitude.

At the start of each month, we take out one of the remaining 12 candles, light it and pray once again as we think of what we hope for in the coming days. We renew this sense of hope and happiness and gratitude each month.

I've always wondered, why wait at the start of the year or month to offer thanks or pray for what we wish for? Shouldn't this be a daily occurrence? A daily prayer of hope and of gratitude.

I'm continually grateful. Gratitude that warms my heart and fills my soul.

This past year I am so thankful for so many dreams that have turned in to reality. I was in two phenomenal musicals that were so enriching to my life. Roles that have spurred other opportunities that I have to shake my head and wonder how I got to be so lucky.

I made lifelong friends that are more like family to me now. Strong women that I can't imagine being without in my life.

Companionship and warmth from an individual so loving and giving and spiritual that his friendship is enriching to me on so many levels.

A sense of self so strong that I sometimes have to pinch myself at this new normal.

New opportunities that are exciting where I get to use all my knowledge and skill in ways I hadn't even dreamed of.

Grateful for my family's health, my daughter's love.

I will light my monthly candle with loving gratitude every month. But I won't wait for the beginning of the month to be grateful.

Gratitude fills my heart.

We have a saying in Mexico for the new year. "Los deso salud, dinero, y amor y tiempo para gozarlo."  Which translates to "I wish you health, money, and love and time to enjoy them."

But I'll add this: I wish you the joy of gratitude.

Find things to be grateful for in the new year, in every day, in every moment.  Big things. Simple things.  You know that new planner you have? Use a corner of it every day to write down three things you are grateful for.

A smile from the cashier at the grocery store.

How your pet greets you at the door when you come home after work.

How your coffee tastes when you sip that first cup of coffee in the morning.

A good hair day.

Food in your pantry.

A job to go to.

A warm home.

The brisk cold air that wakes you up.

A friend's touch.

New beginnings, whether that is a new year or a new day or a new moment, bring new gratitude.

Be grateful for what you have. You will end up having more.

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Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Form Your Own Reality

"Because you ARE. You have the right to the abundance of nature in whatever way it is transformed or translated for you."

Jane Roberts (Seth)

I have an amazing friend. I have many amazing friends, really, but this particular friend, well...

He loves music. It speaks to him in ways I haven't seen in many people. I adore that he sends me a song every morning. For the past three months... every morning! It's amazing and I love it!

Some songs are fun. Some have meaning. Others make me think. But each song puts a smile on my face and starts my day on a positive note.

He's also the happiest person I have ever met. He has such a deep belief system that it becomes infectious, moving. And his energy vibrates at such a high level that it is practically titillating.

I say all these things because he has also become a sort of teacher. He has been guiding me to a stronger belief system of life, of me, of the energy that we all possess.

It's a beautiful thing.

One of the first things he told me, and I have this written down, was, "You form your own reality based on your beliefs."

Let that sink in... You form your own reality - You! You have the power. You control your life. Your reality.

Just a few years ago my reality had been of a depressed, overweight, unhealthy and lonely individual. A victim. I was allowing the actions of others to determine who I was. Sad.

I sheltered myself in a job where I thought I was doing good, but never had an opportunity to move from. It kept me "safe" but it also kept me stifled. And, I empowered those around me to dictate who I was. I certainly was not a leader. And, I certainly was not where I could use my gifts. I don't think I really realized what "gifts" I had at the time.

I didn't really believe in myself. My abilities. My person.

I felt unlovable. Undesirable. Unwilling to change my circumstances. A follower. Never a leader. Stagnant.

There was no vibration to my energy - at all!

Fast forward so many years.

It wasn't until I met another friend and learned from her wisdom that I started to see my future potential. That my journey would be different if I learned how to be authentic and SHINE. She took me to The Joy of Goals and I followed through in determining my goals and achieving them. What a marvelous gift she gave me!

But I wasn't done changing. Moving forward. Learning.

Along came my friend. He has offered books to read that has taken me to another plane in my journey. He has given me a new outlook on being me. Of finding my reality in the midst of life being lived. Of knowing that I can concentrate on my future, my outcomes and make them my reality.

It is so freeing. It almost doesn't seem real.

He taught me that we were born inquisitive, loving, ready to find the best in life for ourselves. Experiences, people, places along the way sometimes interfere with our journey of fulfillment. But how wonderful to recognize that we are on own path to happiness.

And, I understand why he is always happy. For this release of knowing you are in control is liberating. Why not be happy all the time?

He understands that it is our energy that is translated into experiences, into our emotions, into our feelings. Of course, we would be happy.

You release worry when you allow happiness to fill you. Some people call me laid back because I tend not to worry about "things." I believe that intuitively I already knew the direction that happiness would take me - I just allowed other forces to veer me off course.

This doesn't mean to avoid responsibility or ignore pressing matters/situations. But, it does mean to face them with a positive outlook so that the outcome is positive as well.

However, being happy frees us to use our abilities to their highest potential. For me, that may be in a leadership role in an office or on stage. Perhaps it's behind a microphone or a computer keyboard. The point is, I make up my choice. My reality.

If you're strong in your beliefs the rest falls in line.

If you're happy moving toward those beliefs they will come to you with abandon.

I'm still learning. This is a complex mind/soul shift to make.

But learning I am...

And Believing in Who I Am...

And Forming My Own Reality... and it makes me so happy.

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Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Who I Want to Be

"You are not discovering yourself, but creating yourself anew. Seek, therefore, not to find out Who You Are, seek to determine Who You Want to Be."

~ Neal Donald Walsh

I was invited to an Authentic Leadership retreat this past weekend. I had so many other things to do, I really didn't want to drive out an hour away and spend the day thinking of my to-do list at home. 

But, I went. 

And, boy, was I was very happy I did. 

And, so grateful to Deborah LeeAnn for inviting me. I truly learn so much from her.  She helps me grow. So, of course, this time with her and other friends would be wonderful.

Perhaps my reluctance to go was actually a reluctance to know more about myself and where I need to go.  Deborah has been helping me create a new vision/version of myself as I continue on this path of transformation. Who I want to be. 

I've been recreating myself for a while now. It can be exhausting if you allow it to be. Or it can be renewing. I choose the latter. For in reality we never stop learning, growing, recreating, expanding. Why would this weekend be any different?

We did a good many things in the day I was there. We made smudge sticks. Meditated outdoors. Were treated to delicious, healthy meals prepared by our hostess. 

And, the location! Have mercy! What a beautiful house on a lovely lake! So serene.

We accomplished so much in less than 6 hours.

Among our activities, there were two powerful sessions in our day. 

The first, a heart circle. We spoke about our strengths. We wrote down words, feelings, adjectives, expressions of who we are and who we wanted to be. We envisioned our future and what we wanted to create. What was around us, surrounding us, with us. The colors, the people, the smells. What were we doing? Who were we with? And, if that is our end result - our vision - is that truly what we want? 

Then we asked the question: What will it take to get me there? What do we need to ask ourselves, our god, our universe, our time to make it happen? 

Everything suddenly seemed so real and possible. I know what I want and who I want around me. It was me in that future. Happy. Fulfilled. Surrounded by those dearest to me. Doing what I know I can do. Hearing it. Experiencing it. Envisioning it. Seeing it in my mind's eye and touching it, feeling it. 

It was so real. 

It made me weep. 

We wrote down our question - a question that will help us create ourselves - and took it outside. 

The second impactful session, for me, was a medicine walk - a means of connecting to nature, but also a means of connecting to your own sources of guidance and support during life transitions. We allowed ourselves the freedom to walk outdoors while considering our question of creating our new selves. We allowed the wind to wrap us and the water to move us. The sun warmed us and allowed for free expression to the heavens.

And an hour went by in the blink of an eye.

I received my answer. So clearly. It was magical and dreamlike, yet so very real.

My path became so very real.

I'm not quite ready to share my question and new future creation with you yet, but it probably won't surprise you when I do.

It's who I want to be. A newly developed thought leader as I create myself anew.

It may have taken me a long time to get to this place, but it feels amazing.

I have determined who I want to be.

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Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Fear and Gratitude and Badassery

"Gratitude is alchemy. It changes powerlessness, fear, and resentment into grace, determination, and unrelenting badassery."

~ Unknown

This past year and a half for me have been about "No Fear!"  Not so much about "bravery," but No Fear! 

No fear to change. No fear to exercise. No fear to health. No fear to love. No fear to audition. No fear to perform. 

No fear.

The other day, something interesting happened. I belong to Deborah LeeAnn's Leadership Academy (I can't recommend this program enough - you can check it out here!) and we had a group call where we completed our Character Strengths. This personality survey measures 24 character strengths that fall into six buckets - or Virtues, as they call them: Wisdom,  Courage, Humanity, Justice, Temperance, and Transcendence. And, each bucket is subdivided further to reveal traits such as bravery, creativity, appreciation for beauty, humor, perseverance, perspective, leadership.

So I took the survey and it was revealed that my #1 Character Strength is Gratitude...

If Gratitude is your top strength you are aware of the good things that happen to you, and you never take them for granted. Your friends and family members know that you are a grateful person because you always take the time to express thanks.

I thought - that's kinda lame.  I didn't need to take a survey to know that!

Guess I wasn't displaying gratitude well, was I?

Then I started digging a little deeper.  Gratitude is part of the "Transcendence" virtue according to VIA Institute on Character that hosts the survey.

Transcendence
Gratitude falls under the virtue category of Transcendence. Transcendence describes strengths that provide a broad sense of connection to something higher in meaning and purpose than ourselves.

Higher in meaning and purpose than ourselves... hmmm. A broad sense of connection.  Now that I liked. But it still seemed that I was missing the bigger picture. 


I do feel an overwhelming sense of Gratitude. 

Grateful for so many, many things in my life. For so many people in my life. Grateful for life experiences. Moments. Situations. A new outlook on life. 

It was all these things wrapped up in a stream of such abundance that made me see how it was being grateful that allowed me to remove the fear I had felt before. The stifling fear of simply being was gone. 

You can't feel fear when you feel gratitude. There is no room for fear for your heart is always full of appreciation, determination. 

When you feel gratitude it fills your heart with hope. Peace. A calmness that fear cannot dimish. A determination that cannot be dimmed, allowing you to exceed your usual limits... transcendent. 

I heard it said once that practicing gratitude is an art that can provide you with a feeling of "greatness." But not an ego-filled greatness. More of a fullness to everything that is possible. 

Fear cannot live where there is possibility and possibility is everywhere there is gratitude. 

I do practice gratitude. I start every morning with simple meditation. I meditate on what I am grateful for, or what I want to be grateful for that day or that moment or in the future. I'm always grateful for my family. So I meditate on my family being happy, healthy, fulfilled.

A new friend of mine lives this more than anyone I have ever met. He is grateful for and celebrates good things in his life before they even happen. That's a skill - a way of being - that I aspire to and he is a wonderful example for me to learn from.  I am grateful for him. 

I am continuing to learn that I have the power. The power of change. The power of transcendence. The power of being fulfilled. The power of gratitude. And, there is no room for fear. Only grace, determination and unrelenting badassery!

What are you grateful for? 

No, really... I'd love to know. Comment. Let's show gratitude and be badass together.

I'm so grateful for you!

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Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Alabanza | Praise to This

"Paciencia y Fe. Patience and Faith."

~ Abuela Claudia

In the Heights

This weekend was the final performances for "In The Heights." The last time on this "street corner." The last time on my bench. The last time on this set. The last time to meld voices with such fabulous performers.

Wowza!

What a transformative experience! How thankful I am to have been a part of something bigger than myself.

Being with R-S Theatrics and bringing "In The Heights" to theatre goers in St. Louis has been a rewarding, thought-provoking, joy-filled, music-filled and a simply amazing adventure. Something the likes of which I have never experienced. The magnitude, I can honestly say, I didn't anticipate.

This is the dream role I never knew I always wanted.

Our brilliant director had such a vision for this role within this musical that I don't believe even the originators knew how great it could be. Moving. Emotional. Powerful. Magic.

Abuela Claudia suddenly became the catalyst to the story. Larger than life, it seems. Especially when you see the portrait the graffiti artist, Bryan Pease, painted of Abuela!

And, I was blessed to be portraying her.

Yet, I began to panic...I couldn't "find" her. I couldn't find Abuela's voice.

We had rehearsals. I sang and recited the lines of the script. Blocking. Continued rehearsals. Where is she? I started to worry that I wouldn't find her voice.

We entered tech week. Finding costumes. Listening to the pit musicians. Where IS she?

This character, the heart of the story - where is she?

I voiced my concern to our director. She told me she wasn't worried. Said she was confident I'd have her when all the elements came together as we hit the stage.

God bless that woman!

My mother has a gold necklace that her mother gave to her. It has the image of the Sacred Heart on it. Many years ago we had my mom's name engraved on the back to make it more her own. She gave me the necklace a couple of years ago and I wore it with pride. When my sister was diagnosed with cancer I took it off in the hospital room and gave it to her as a talisman to carry her through treatment.

My sister passed away. And, the necklace was returned to my mom. It was placed in a drawer.

The main song that Abuela Claudia sings is "Paciencia y Fe," patience and faith. It was with Paciencia y Fe that my grandmother gave it to my mom. I imagine her giving it to my mother as she prepared to leave her home in Puebla, Mexico to move to St. Louis, Missouri with my dad.

It was with Paciencia y Fe that my mom gave it to me when I began to have serious health issues and it was with Paciencia y Fe that I gave it to my sister.

I asked my mom if I could have it back. Figured it would make a great addition to my costume.

The first night I put it on, along with a rosary bracelet my mom likes to wear, everything changed.
Abuela suddenly became every woman I know in my family. My grandmother. My great-aunt. My mother. My sister.

And, I found her. I found Abuela Claudia. I found the giving, caring, nurturing woman that is every one of the women in my family. That, I am sure is every woman in each of our families.

How fortunate am I to have such strong women in my family? How fortunate am I to have played such a loving character? How fortunate to have been given the opportunity to give her a voice! Here, today, now.

I may have put Claudia behind me as we closed the show the past weekend, but the necklace is still around my neck.

As I now reminisce and reflect on the past three weeks I say, "Alabanza!"

Alabanza! I lift this experience up to God's face and sing...

"Praise to THIS!"

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Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.