Perspective

"It's impossible," said Pride.
"It's risky," said Experience.
"It's pointless," said Reason.
"Give it a try," whispered my Heart.

~ Anonymous

Everything, it seems, is a matter of perspective.

A 5K. A 7K. More weight to dead lift. Lower squats. Less food. Less me.

I truly thought that losing weight and getting healthy was an impossibility. Surgery was risky. Trying to be happy was pointless.

Thank heavens my soul finally told me to give it a try.

Try being happy. Really try to be happy. Do what needs to be done to be happy.

It's all perspective.

Releasing the familiar. Walk in to the unknown. Be courageous to embrace the new. Change your perspective.

When that happens a whole new world opens up to you. A world you have forgotten about. A whole new you that you left behind. You become curious.

Can I act and sing again?
Can I walk in a 5K? A 7K? How about a 10K?
I think I want to zipline!
Let's go horseback riding!
I lift weights now!
I'm not afraid to try things anymore!
Let's do this!

It's all a matter of perspective. It can change everything!

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Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Strength in Shedding

The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come.

~ Joseph Campbell

Interesting - I have cleaned out closets and drawers. I have gotten rid of more clothes than I even knew I had in my house! Ok, I have replaced a few items of clothing. I mean I can't be going out naked, after all! But still.

I feel amazing right now! I truly do!  I have shed a lot of me along this one year journey.

Yep - it's been one year!

We're heading into a new summer. I was looking forward to summer.  I mean I'm 95 pounds less a person than I was before! Exciting, right?

Well, it is until you see all the extra skin on my body. It's a horrid reminder of who I use to be. Of where I came from. Of all the hard work I have done so far. A reminder of being less than from the time you were mocked for being more than.

You'd think I would wear my extra skin as a badge of honor. Except that it is very ... embarrassing. I am working so hard to shed my negative body thoughts, my negative body image, embrace who I am wholeheartedly. With the extra skin.

I remember the days when I would go to the pool as a large woman. Or go on a float trip. Or play in the river. Or wear short. Or a shorter dress. This is me! Sure my legs would jiggle. I had a ton of fat around my legs. I was 100 pounds heavier then. Of course, this was a few years ago, and the fat around me was at least filled in.

One day back then I was walking out of the pool. A young boy stared at my legs.  His eyes were so big, taking all the hugeness of me in. He was in disbelief and suddenly came to. He yelled at his mom close by, "Mom, look at how fat her legs are! They are like elephant legs!" Out of the mouths of babes...I was mortified. That was the last time I put on a swimsuit in a public pool.

I am smaller now. My legs are too, really. I can wear a swimsuit from Old Navy for goodness sake. I never wore a "regular-sized" anything before. But now the skin on my legs, my stomach, under my arms is so loose that it hangs. Just hangs. Rolls and rolls of loose, sagging, wrinkled skin. I look like a deflated balloon. Or a shar-pei puppy with all its wrinkles. Except my wrinkles aren't cute. Not even close.

Now it's summer...Sundresses. Swimsuits. Sleeveless tops. Shorts.  Will I ever have the freedom of wearing such clothing? Will I ever FEEL the freedom of wearing such clothing?

The more I lose, the more skin hangs. I could very well be one or two sizes smaller and 20 - 25 pounds lighter if I could get rid of all this skin.

And yet, I continue to shed. Shedding the old thoughts. Shedding the old image. Shedding my expectations of what I believe I'm supposed to look like.

But I will also do something for me. I will talk to a plastic surgeon to see what can be done. This, while I continue to do strength training - a strength of muscles and strength of mind.

I must continue to shed my past - over and over.

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Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Favorite Feeling in the World

"Life is like a theatre, but the question is not if you are in the audience or on the stage, but rather whether you are where you want to be?"

~ A.B. Potts

I am where I want to be - that is for sure! I love being on stage!

I had forgotten.

I had a flashback before hitting the stage a few weeks ago for a preview show. I remembered stepping on stage the first time when I was in High School.  I had a solo in a Christmas show.  I was nervous. I was unsure of myself.

What would people say? What would people think? I'm too fat to be in the spotlight! I'm not good enough to sing this song! What if I can't remember all the words? Will they laugh? I'll be fat and a horrible singer!

I can't remember how I sang, but I remember how I felt.

I felt wonderful! Warm. Embraced. Loved. Accepted.

When I was younger I never really felt accepted.  I was overweight. Timid in a way. Unsure of myself. With that one solo, I found how to be accepted. People looked beyond my weight and focused on my ability. I cherished it!

I suddenly became "the singer" - oh, you're that singer! I always use to be the chubby one, or the fat one. But I was now "The Singer!"

I can handle that!

So, I threw myself into performing. Musicals at school. Solos in the choir. The singer in a high school big band. Whatever I could do I did. It gave me the confidence to try out for cheerleading. Because, you know, who doesn't want "the singer" on your cheerleading squad?

Went to college for musical theatre. Did summer stock. Was asked to go to New York and jumped at the chance. But, when I got to NYC I was told I was too ethnic. Maybe if I lost some weight.

Ummm...how does getting thinner make me less ethnic?

But I persevered.  Got in a broadway show ... that closed before it actually opened. I know, just my luck. And, I came home.

I did try my hand at community theatre when I returned to St. Louis, but the goofy spring blossoms messed up my sinuses.  I constantly lost my voice. I couldn't sing. And, I suddenly lost my identity.

I wasn't a singer anymore. I was just fat.

I tried being as bold as I thought I use to be. People believed me too.  To this day people believed I had a lot of confidence. Well... I am an actress after all.  I kept up the facade. I spoke well in front of people. I smiled and powered through. But, I really was hiding. I hid behind my size. No one can hurt me if I stay well padded.

No one except me. I was hurting myself. Thank goodness I finally said "ENOUGH!"

Fast forward to earlier in the month...

I have never had so much fun as when I was with the creative team at Take Two Productions and the wonderfully talented cast of It Shoulda Been You.

I know it has been a bit since the show opened, but the feeling remains. A glow, an energy, a peace that I haven't felt in a long time. Something I want to hold on to and want to repeat again and again.

I realize that this particular cast, in this particular show, at this particular time, will be a one-of-a-kind experience that I will never replicate. But darn if I won't keep trying! It was that good.

I wasn't hiding. It was all me on stage. After 20 years of not stepping on stage, I returned with a vengeance! And, it was the most fun I have every had!

And, I'm not stopping.  Up next...

I have been cast as Abuela Claudia in R-S Theatrics production of In The Heights!

I'm not padded.  I'm not hiding.  It's all me on stage. I'm where I want to be!

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Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.