An ongoing commentary as I navigate a continuous ride in life as a single mother, actress, singer, performer and avid communications professional. Taking on the world one day at a time and embracing my ability to SHINE.
"Some people want to fill the world with silly loves songs. What's wrong with that? I need to know." - Paul McCartney
A friend asked me earlier today if I was ready to join Match.com.
Um. No, was my answer.
Her response? Soon?
Um. No, was my answer.
I told her that it scares me just thinking about the possibility of dating again. Gosh, its been so, so, so very long since I went out with anyone. The idea alone send shivers down my spine.
She reminded me about what I have posted - the confidence building, strength rising, standing up for myself.
I told her to shut up. Stop throwing my own words in my face.
Then I told her how much I loved her. Because I do. She's a wonderful friend who keeps me motivated when I need it and always has my back.
And, it also got me to thinking. How do I find that mojo again? I've been huge for so long, my mind is still huge. How will I project a different, new and improved me, when I don't know really who that "me" is yet?
How will I take someone on the rest of this journey? Because I'm so not done yet.
A part of me says I'm ready! Then, the other part of me says, "What the hell are you thinking?"
It's scary.
I'm already vulnerable as I continue to shed layers of myself (literally and figuratively). Who will I be when I hit my goal? How will I have to live to maintain my new weight? What will my daily life be when I get to where I believe I am going? And, is it the journey or the destination that I want someone to join me in? Can I release enough of me to allow someone else in?
I'm a caretaker. Always have been. Will someone new in my life take over my life? But I need to be selfish to continue this path.
I know I don't want to be lonely. But I fear having someone in my life. How's that for being messed up?
Then I think - I'm overthinking. And, my head hurts.
I use to have tons of mojo. And a few men. I've lost both it seems.
I just got to keep looking. I'm sure it will show up somewhere.
No, I'm not ready for Match.com - but if you know anyone who likes short, semi-round, young acting Mexican in her 50's, let me know.
"Sometimes life knocks you on your ass...get up, get up, get up!!! Happiness is not the absence of problems, it's the ability to deal with them." - Steve Maraboli
I've been rather absent minded lately. To be honest I've been thinking about my sister. Going through the motions of life. Got in to a rut of sorts with my diet - even after making a promise to make a meal plan.
These last couple of days have been about driving my kiddo to her musical performance, hanging around the theater, volunteering and then taking her out with her friends after. Coming home. Getting up and doing it again.
Don't get me wrong, I love being in the theater. I truly enjoy watching my daughter having so much fun on stage and with her friends. It warms my heart.
I have a great time talking with the other parents. It's fun making new friends. But, I realized that while the other parents are there when they need to be, I'm around the theater all the time.
Of course, I had to realize this in a very painful way.
While I was at the theater for the fifth show in a six show run, I decided not to watch the show again. I stayed out at the Will Call table at the entrance of the theater contemplating my life. I was basically alone sitting there - which was fine with me being the semi-introvert I am. A young tech kid came out taking a break and saw a spider and said I really needed to see it. So I got up.
And, I tripped.
You should see the other guy!
And, I went flying nose first in to the metal window frame. It hurt like hell! Blood everywhere.
So embarrassing. So painful.
So pretty.
Four hours in the ER really helps you to contemplate your life.
What I came up with is that I need to GET a life. Outside of my parents. Outside of my daughter. Outside of my siblings. I need my own life. It's a recurring theme, I know. I've said this a few times already. But perhaps this tumble finally jarred something in me.
I went to my primary physician. I have a fractured nose. But everything else is wonderful.
As I mentioned before, my cholesterol is great, my blood sugar is great, my blood pressure is great. This surgery has helped me get healthier. I can enjoy my life. So what am I waiting for? The want is there, but the movement toward it is not. I feel the need to do something, but I remain stagnant.
I'm finally exercising. So I am going out and doing something for myself. That's good. But there's still something missing.
The other evening Isa rehearsed with her duet partner. I sat and chatted with his dad. The dad and I have become good friends too. He's a very talented and creative person and he is constantly "doing" - writing songs, plays, ideas. Always creating and using his talents. He taught me a couple of chords on the ukulele. And, I realized how much I miss being creative. I miss singing. I miss theater.
He asked me to pen a song with him. And, while it scared me a bit, I believe it would be good to stretch myself. Start small in the creative sense. And, I love him for asking me to help.
So, perhaps life does need to knock you on your head sometimes before you realize what the next step needs to be. It had to knock the wind out of my sails to get me to this point. Why does the next step need to be any different?
I may bump in to things, but hey, at least I am walking in the right direction.
I know better than to try to compare myself to others. Women are so "programmed" to compare ourselves to each other I have learned long ago to not do that.
Lately, I just can't help myself.
Especially right now. It's hard to figure out what I really look like. I still feel huge. Doesn't matter what shows up in the mirror. Or the changes I see when my buddy takes photos of my "afters" each month. But I still try to size up what I look like in comparison with others.
I see other women and think, "do my hips look that size?" "Does my booty look that large?" "Is my waist that big?"
I know...doesn't make sense. But even with the before and after photos I have no real concept of what I look like. Especially to others.
So, when I'm in a large crowd I look around.
My daughter is in a musical production that opened this past weekend. The theater hall has a wall of windows. At dark you can see reflections of those standing in the lobby.
I went to stand in line for the women's restroom and I did what I always seem to do - look around at everyone waiting for the show to commence.
I thought to myself - boy, I can't wait until I am that size or if I could look good in a dress like that. Then I saw someone in the reflection of the windows. I like how that outfits looks on her. I'd like to be there soon.
Wait a minute!
That's me!
Whaaaaat?
I was astonished. I didn't look half bad. I have a long way to go, don't get me wrong, but I'm happy with my progress so far!
It was interesting. After laughing at what had just happened, I took a nice sigh of relief. Almost like, OK, now I could believe it.
Even after the photos that do show changes. Even after having to get smaller clothes. Even seeing the changes on the scale, I don't know why I couldn't really allow myself to believe that I looked decent.
I keep telling myself that I have to find peace and happiness where I am. To find joy in the moment and how I look as I am transforming. I have been so large for so long that it's that size that I am most connected to. It is how people have seen me and therefore, how I saw myself.
Then...
A friend posted a memory on Facebook. Back to 2013 - just three years ago. I couldn't believe my eyes! The round person - round face, round belly - in that picture was me. The change was palpable.
I had to take a new photo to see the difference.
So, it seems, I now find myself in a new situation. I'm starting to compare myself to me.
"No great thing is suddenly created." - Epictetus
Patience is a virtue. Patience is not easy to achieve. I really don't have much patience for being such a laid back type of person. But, I know that patience is what is needed most on this journey.
It has been a test of my patience these past few days. You see, I have been on a 50 pound loss stall.
Ugh!
Now, I don't get on the scale everyday. That's just silly. But I do step on at least once a week to see my progress. Unfortunately, the last couple of weeks have shown a two pound gain (WTF?) and then ... nothing!
And, another week... nothing!
I understand that my body is going through a tremendous change. I'm smart enough to know that I must have patience with my progress. I get that I have to make changes to my food plan as I exercise more. I get it. But, dang, it's hard to see the scale and not get discouraged because it's not going back down!
Surgery is just a tool. I really am the one that has to do the work. Surgery helps you stay on track because you can't handle the amount of food you did at one time. You also can't have all the fatty and sugary foods you once had eaten because your pouch will not accept it very well.
Surgery forces you to make the necessary changes to lose your weight and regain your health. So I embraced the changes.
As I mentioned, the doctor says that the first 6 months is all about the surgery. You don't even need to try too hard and the weight will come off. It's after those initial 6 months that will really require you to have to work to make sure you don't regain and that you continue to lose. So, I have to make the most of these first 6 months. If I help it along at the beginning I can, essentially, lose a bit easier.
I've told you that I have lost 50 pounds in 2.5 months. Wonderful stuff! But, I thought I would just keep losing. No one told me about the stalls. I really should have been smart enough to know there would have to be stalls.
I'm losing weight so quickly that my body has to catch up with the rest of me. My hormones are changing. My muscles are out of whack. Everything is trying to catch up.
I've been persistent with my plan. Eating right. Tracking my calories and protein and water and vitamins. But it's hard to not to lose patience when you've seen such huge changes so quickly. It's hard not to be discouraged when you see weight gain rather than weight loss. It's hard not to want to rush things when you're hitting the gym several times a week and come out sweating like a pig!
I realize it took years to gain all this weight - even with surgery it will take time to lose it.
Although, "lose" is really the wrong term. I have no intention of ever "finding" this weight again!
So, I've come to realize stalls are going to be necessary. It is the time your body needs to get readjusted to your weight loss and the changes in your body. And, that's ok.
I stepped on the scale again this morning...
Lost 5.5 pounds. The two that I gained and an additional 3.5!
Patience + Persistence + Perspiration = Success!
Just got to keep pushing. And, move on to tomorrow.
"Fear less, hope more, eat less, chew more, whine less, breathe more, talk less, say more, hate less, love more, and good things will be yours." Swedish proverb
I'm hungry. I hate that I feel hunger again.
It scares me.
I feel out of balance. I feel out of whack. I'm scared I'll over eat or eat when I'm not supposed to eat or eat the wrong things.
Hunger is a natural feeling. I shouldn't fear it. But fear I do. I fear hunger.
But I have another fear now as well. I fear for our communities. Our neighborhoods. Our nation. There is a hunger there as well. A hunger to be understood. A hunger to be accepted. A hunger for peace and justice and equality and compassion. And, I fear we can't seem to grasp that we are all one people. We all hunger for acceptance and love.
Unfortunately, there is also a hunger for hate, intolerance, violence, injustice and revenge.
We can't allow fear of difference - color, race, religion, class, weight, size, gender, nationality - take over our humanity. Where a love for guns is seen as more important than love for humankind. Where we prefer to wallow in our hate and fear and revenge rather than peace and acceptance and understanding. So much hate.
I don't get it.
We know what it feels like first hand. Members of our family have been targets of racism and intolerance.
I've always been different. I've been large all my life. I'm first generation Mexican-American. I speak two languages. I'm a single mother. Each of those things have made me a target of one sort or another. Being followed in a store. Being looked at funny or laughed at or ridiculed. Been insulted for being a single mother. Been teased for being large. Asked racist questions because of my heritage. Or, the time when friends came to visit and the police were called to my house because my house guests were Mexican. The police had to come in to my house and look around to feel satisfied that us Mexicans weren't doing anything illegal. They had gotten a couple of calls from the neighbors. True story.
Or my daughter. She was in a select group in middle school called "Social Justice," where students of different races (white, hispanic, asian, African-American) were taught kindness and tolerance. Where they were taught what bigotry and racism and bullying and equality meant. Yet, while in class my daughter would endure "Mexican baby jokes" or taunts about her size or color or curly hair. Some of those doing the bullying were white kids in the group. What did they learn?
Or my dad. My father was stopped driving while brown by police. It's a real thing folks...A cop who egged him and disrespected him and yelled at him and demeaned him and insulted him. Never really told my dad why he was stopped. He just kept yelling at my dad.
My father sat there and took it. Even though he has been an American citizen longer than he ever was Mexican, he had to endure the police officer's insults. Because he knew, one wrong word, one wrong move could have resulted in something much worse than a ticket. At the end of it all the cop let him go with just a warning... to drive better. My dad drove home to his family.
So many, it seems, are not as lucky. And, we are learning more and more that it happens more and more.
I just don't get it.
What are we doing to each other?
People putting lines in the sand. Either you are Black Lives Matter or All Lives Matter or Blue Lives Matter. It's not either or. It's not us or them. It's not black or white or brown or yellow. Yet, we have politicians that want to make it us or them so we can all run scared of each other with distrust. Or run toward each other with guns and fists and pipe bombs and riot gear.
I'm a person of color. To me Black Lives Matter right now because we have to place focus where it is needed. But it doesn't mean that All Lives don't Matter. It just means we have to put energy where it should be until things are righted. It could just as well be Brown Lives Matter because whatever minority is out there seems to be targeted in one way or another.
It doesn't mean Blues Lives don't Matter. I hate the violence against officers as much as I hate the violence perpetrated by officers. There are so many dedicated first responders that do their jobs well and watch over everyone no matter where they come from or what they look like. Unfortunately, there are those that hide their hatred behind their badge. And their gun.
I just don't get any of it.
At the end of the day we all need each other. At the end of the day we need to have change for the better. How many lives must be lost?
Yes, I do feel hunger. I hunger for a day when we can all just get along. Love our neighbor. Be kind to one another.
I hunger for hope, for love.
Hope is Stronger than Fear.
Love can conquer Hate.
I repeat the Swedish proverb I used above with one change:
Fear less, hope more,
Eat less, chew more, Whine less, breathe more,
Talk less, say more, Hate less, Love more,
And good things will be OURS.
"Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It's time to show up and be seen." - Brené Brown
Performers need to be seen. Odd that I chose to be an actress and singer as a profession when I'm really an introvert at heart.
I play a good game, don't get me wrong. I laugh and smile with the best of them. People think I'm outgoing and an extrovert. When it was time to network, boy did I network. But inside? All I wanted to do was shrink in to a corner.
When I was on stage I didn't realize how much of another persona I took on. Much like Beyoncé's Sasha Fierce, just a ton more subdued, less of a risk taker and not as talented.
But, my so-called talent at the time helped me move forward with my career. I seemed to make folks take notice when I sang or acted - so it helped. When I left that life and came home I wasn't sure what to do with myself. I didn't know how to stand up for me or how to stand out anymore. I didn't know how to be seen. So, I hid.
It was easier. It was safer. I didn't have to try anymore.
And, I got good at it. I hid behind a tremendous amount of weight. I let food become my friend. Kinda felt alone for a long while. Inadequate.
Seems like I lived having my life float past me. Just kind of standing on the corner bus stop watching busses go by and not really stepping on one to see where it could take me. I lost my mojo, if you will.
Here I am at 57. Not sure if this is an "official" midlife (I don't know too many 114 year olds), but in terms of adult development, midlife seems about right for me. Kind of in a "get your act together, Garcia," kind of way!
I saw this quote by Brené Brown. She said, "I think midlife is when the universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear: I'm not screwing around. It's time. All of this pretending and performing - these coping mechanisms that you've developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt - has to go."
Well, that hit home.
My dear friend and client has also been helping. She has taught me to stand tall, find my way, find my courage and confidence. Shed the layers that are no longer working for me and step in to my true self. She's been awesome. Reminding me to always center myself, be seen, and hold my head high. Love her for that! Straight up encouragement when I need it.
Tish also helped me realize that it was time to get on that bus and find my mojo again. Not to mention that I have to show my daughter what a strong and courageous woman looks like.
It's time to be seen and heard. Shedding the layers, peeling away the weight, stepping in to the sunlight. My daughter will see that even in midlife there's a lot of life left to have unexplored adventures. I'm tired of feeling inadequate. I'm me. No more screwing around.
My daughter can see that you need to grab the universe by the shoulders and not the other way around. And for her not to waste time doing so.
"All we have is all we need. All we need is the awareness of how blessed we really are." - Sarah Ban Breathnach
You guys are amazing!
Really. The support, love and comments I receive through this blog have been so inspiring. You keep me strong. You keep me straight. You've helped me through some tough times and have become cheerleaders when I had small victories.
Most importantly, you listened.
I am blessed.
When I had the weight loss surgery I was reluctant to tell anyone. Silly, I know. But it is such a personal journey. Besides, who the hell would care?
Then I realized that if I don't make it public, I won't be able to keep myself accountable and on track. Going through this and telling you about it helps me. Of course, I was going to keep it simple. Just a few words here and there.
But, now? This blog has become part journal, part confessional, part blabbering. And, you've stuck with me.
With each blog entry it has helped me tremendously to unload my feelings, celebrate accomplishments and stay honest. You read, and commented, and celebrated with me. You allowed me to shed tears and speak about my sister and helped me through it. You lifted me up. You listened.
Thank you.
Our family - if you haven't already figured out - is very close and supportive of each other. It's an amazing feeling to have such love around me all the time. And, to know that if there is something I need my family will be there to help. Especially when my sister needed us. We surrounded her with love. We do that for each other, always. They do that for me now.
Add to that your amazing support and encouragement! I appreciate you guys more than you can ever imagine. It's humbling to know you are reading all this goofiness and cheering me on.
Truly you all are amazing. And, you make me feel amazing knowing you are there.
"Some people want to fill the world with silly loves songs. What's wrong with that? I need to know."
