Hot Mess

"Before coffee, I'm a hot mess. After? I'm a wide awake hot mess. So there's that."
- Nanea Hoffman

Every morning I count the minutes after my last bite of breakfast. Seriously. I look at the clock when my fork hits my mouth with my last bite of food to see how soon I can have my first sip of coffee in the morning.

Talk about a hot mess.

My coffee understands. My coffee doesn't question. My coffee is patient. It just offers it's special brand of energy and courage to tackle another day of mindful eating, counting chews, calories and memories.

My one cup of morning coffee helps me keep on track with my program and hits my pouch with warm hugs. It reminds my pouch how much I love it.

Told ya, hot mess.

If you've read my previous entries you know I can't drink anything 30 minutes before or 30 minutes after eating. It either fills me up so I don't eat as much or flushes the food through so I can't absorb the nutrients.

So I watch the clock. Look for things to do so the time can pass faster. I pick up the dishes. Feed the dog. Start writing my blog. You get it. Anything to take my mind off that first sip of coffee.

This is probably the only time I want time to fly. Otherwise, I want time to slow down.

Way down.

I want to enjoy every moment I can these days. Time with the people I love the most. I want to take it all in. Our family has a hashtag, #makingmemories.

Whether it's a paint day or a communal tattoo day or an indoor camping day. It's all about #makingmemories.

So, I sit here sipping on my cup of coffee. Waking up. Enjoying this moment. Being present. Waiting to #makememories once again today.

My cup of coffee doesn't question what's on the agenda today. It just is. Like me.

So there's that.

Trials

"A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials."
- Chinese proverb

It's 8AM. I'm thinking of my sister and her husband sitting in the airport awaiting their flight to Denver. Her clinical trial interview is on Tuesday.

This is more than just a clinical trial, however. It is a trial of the unknown. It's a trial of perseverance.

It has become a trial of faith, of love and devotion. It is a trial for life and positive outcomes. It is a trial of conviction. It is a trial of strength.

In the last few months I have found that I am stronger than I thought in a variety of ways. Not as strong as my sister, mind you. Facing the cancer head on and refusing to give up this fight is a strength that is beyond measure.

Her strength is amazing and awe inspiring. And, exhausting. But it is also beautiful and contagious.

I pray to have a part of her strength so I can hold her up when she needs me. To keep her and her husband calm with they get stressed. To be realistic when it is necessary. To reassure them when they question. To continue fighting for them when they are tired.

We are all in trials throughout our life, though, aren't we? I don't expect this particular trial at this particular time to make me perfect. I just want it to make me useful to my sister, her family and mine.

Because, I am here for her and her family. Our family. Always. Forever.

So, I imagine them sitting there, waiting for their flight to an unknown. A scary unknown. This shitty cancer seems to enjoy keeping us guessing. It's hard to turn off our brains long enough to allow our minds to rest. And, I'm not the one living with it. All I know is that we continue.

We never know where that next step will take us. All we know is that it must be taken.

I can't imagine the struggle my sister goes through day in and day out with the thoughts in her head and the cancer in her body. It's torture.

But, they are flying. Because my sister will not allow this crap to win.

They are flying towards this trial with hope.

Please help my sister keep hope in her heart. Send her and her husband off today with positive energy and love.

I love my sister. I hope I can help her go past this physical and emotional trial and see how far she can fly.

Camping

"Camping is the answer. Who cares what the question is."
- Unknown

Camping may be one of our most favorite activities as a family.

When we were little we would spend one or two weeks at Sam A. Baker park camping in a small pop-up camper. All 7 of us - 5 kids and our parents. The entire week in our swimsuits going in and out of the river.

Goodness we LOVED it!  We love our parents for introducing camping to us. We still love camping. It bonds us like no other activity. What great memories.

When we go camping now-a-days there are about 30 of us - families, kids, friends, friends of friends, dogs - so much fun all together.

I think my sister Tish is the one that loves it the most, however. So, when we talked about camping for Memorial Day weekend her eyes lit up and we made plans. There were about 20 of us going this time.

We do things up right too! We pair up and prepare meals for each other. Research recipes, prepare in advance, tons of shopping is involved. Not that we try to out do each other, but if it happens that we do, well... So, we were prepared.

Unfortunately, Mother Nature had other ideas.

Ok. Change of plans. We are adaptable after all.

We brought the camping indoors. You would think it would dampen our spirits. Nope.

All camping food was prepared in a friend's kitchen. We sat around the dining room table as we would a bon fire. We made s'mores on a little burner. And, we laughed.

And laughed.

We may not have had tents. Or saw the sunset this time around. But we were all together having fun.

"Camping" continued the next day at another of our friend's houses around their pool. And, the laughter continued.

We even got tattoos since we now had time. And boy did we laugh then. There were 5 of us together getting inked. Then went back to "camp" to share our colors.

We love camping. We love family. We love friends. We love laughter. We love memories.

Most of all we love being together.

Trust

"Stay patient and trust your journey."
-Unknown

Trust your journey.

One day at a time.

How can you trust your journey when you don't know where you're going? Or if and when you're going to get there?

I had my one month doctor's appointment the other day. I've lost a total of 35.7 pounds since surgery! That's a bit shy of 1/3 of the way to my goal. One-Third!

I'm starting to rethink my goal...I could do more.

The doctor said that my results are better than expected.

I'm off my blood pressure medication.

I'm off my diabetes medication.

What?! Talk about short term goals! Talk about reward!

For however quickly I've lost this weight (that's 35.7 pounds in 5 weeks - just sayin'), there is still a journey that remains ahead.

It will be a journey with struggles. Doubts. Weakness. Ups. Downs. I know it won't be easy. I know I'll have to work hard. But knowing I've gotten this far is encouraging. One day at a time.

And, I've found out more about me on this journey. I'm stronger than I thought.

At least I am at this moment. I've had to be.

Yes. I trust this journey. I trust this pouch. I know what I have to do. I trust myself.

There are food restrictions remaining for a few weeks ahead. But, I've stuck to the plan this far. I know I can continue to do well. And, what makes this journey so grand at the moment is my introduction to Lucky's Market! My niece took me there - I'm in love.

I purchased some wonderfully healthy foods - salmon burgers, salmon cakes, lemon pepper tilapia fillets, soy spaghetti, veggie loaf. YUM! All within my food guidelines! I can handle new food habits both in style and flavor moving forward and beyond shopping there!

35.7 pounds gone. Two pant sizes down.

Being patient and trusting the journey is working. One day at a time.

Yum, Chocolate

"God Bless No Sugar Added Fudgsicles. It's the little things."
- Carmen

I've never really been a candy or chocolate person. I, on occasion, would enjoy a 70% cacao chocolate bar. I guess I like my chocolate like my coffee - smooth and strong.

Obviously, chocolate in that form is frowned upon on my journey. Besides, this pouch won't have anything to do with that much sugar.

When I went looking for calcium chews I found gummy ones. If I have one candy vice, gummy bears would be the one. I have no reason why. It just seems that if I start with one gummy bear the entire bag of bears are gone way too quickly. So, the chews I chose were of the chocolate variety.

To my dismay, I have been looking forward to my three chocolate calcium chews a day.

I savor them. It's like eating a little piece of fudge.

Weird.

Then, I remembered back to week 2 when no sugar added fudgsicles were allowed. What a wonderful thing! I went and bought a box of them.

Boy, do they hit the spot. A nice change from all the fish and veggies.

Small treats like these are needed. It doesn't add too much to my end of day calories and it boosts my attitude.

And, I don't have to depend all my sweet tooth cravings on my calcium chews.

Just Keep Swimming

"Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming."
- Dory (Finding Nemo)

It's funny. When you're gaining weight you don't think about how quickly you are packing it on. It seems to slowly creep up on you.

And, it's not like you want to step on a scale everyday to see if the needle moved up, or anything. Why would you?

But when you are intentionally trying to lose weight, you can't lose it fast enough.

It took years to get this big. Why would it take weeks to lose it all? And, yet...here I am.

I have read many of the bariatric sleeve boards and it seems everyone gets upset or bothered when the scale doesn't move from one day to the other. Or in the direction they want to see it move. I sometimes wonder why they would get on the scale everyday anyway. I sure don't.

We seem to forget that our stomachs are also still recuperating from the surgery. Our bodies are getting adjusted to the changes inside. We are eating so little that our metabolism is trying to catch up. Of course our losing will stall and then dip, and stall and dip.

But, you do want to see results. I soooo get it!

I stalled a couple of times already. But I stuck with my plan.

Experts say that the surgery will take care of weight loss for at least the first 6 to 7 months, then it is all up to you after that. Of course, you lose more if you exercise to help your metabolism do it's work. So, I have to make my changes a habit and just keep moving forward.

So when I stalled, I had Dory's words in my head, "just keep swimming, just keep swimming." And, I didn't step on that scale again for a few days. I have to also trust those experts and do my part for my success.

Then, it happened. I stepped on the scale and saw it go down by 3.5 pounds.

I'm on week 5.

That's 33.5 pounds down for those keeping track.

I Choose Joy

"Joy does not simply happen to us. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it everyday."
- Henri Nouwen

We have had a couple of pretty sad days around my family. It's been some tough going. But, today we had a great day being together and painting. Like one of those Paint Nite's that happen in bars or restaurants. You know, the ones where everyone paints the same painting, but they are all different because they are your interpretation.

Anyway, we were painting. And, we were happy. Joyful. We were together and having a really good time.

During our painting time we spoke about our upcoming camping trip. With my family, the topic quickly moved to food. You see, we make some elaborate meals when we go camping, so its something we look forward to. And, of course, I started to get worried. What am I going to eat? How will I enjoy a meal with everybody if I have to eat such different food? Eek!

My sister reminded me that I have a good amount of food to choose from really. Why should I worry? I shouldn't be thinking of what I can't have, I should be thinking of all I can have now. Live in the moment.

Why does she always have to be right?

I have some food restrictions, but it's nothing close to what it use to be. And, I've enjoyed eating fish - much more than I thought I would.

Plus, my pouch has been a wonderful tool in body shrinkage. I am now in a size pants that are two sizes smaller than what I wore before! No, really! It's amazing. So, that makes me happy.

My knee still may hurt, but not like it use to. At least I can walk a bit more now.

I'm sleeping better.

My blood sugar is lower than I have ever seen it.

And, my family - we're together.

Painting. Camping. Laughing. Loving.

And, milking each joyful second with each other.

The coming days will still be tough, I know. But, I'm choosing to find joy everyday that we're together.

Right now. In the moment. Because joy doesn't simply happen - we have to choose it.

I choose joy.

My Road Is Easy in Comparison

"I wish cancer would get cancer and die."

- Unknown (but it could have very well been me)

I'm sitting here sipping my drink in the waiting area of Siteman Cancer Center West. My baby sister and I are playing cards and waiting for my middle sister as she has her 4th/5th (I've lost track) PETScan.

This will be a defining moment. This scan will determine if she continues with the same treatment or have to search for and join a clinical trial.

I can't even begin to imagine her daily struggle. How she has dealt with this shit in her body while being with her family on a day-to-day basis amazes me. She is strength incarnate.

I love my sister so much.

My struggle is minuscule in comparison.

She has her moments of tears and yelling and anger - who wouldn't? But she mainly has strength. And a huge heart. A smile, a joke. She's my sister. The one we have always had to keep our family together and happy. And the one that keeps her family together and happy. Her two boys, her husband.

It's hard to put a smile on my face for her all the time. I can only hold her tight while she has her tears and try to be strong for her as I know she would be for me. But doing nothing is a horrid feeling.

Cancer sucks. Hard.

I hate that she is going through this journey. They say that when a family member gets cancer, everyone gets cancer. That's bullshit. My sister has cancer. We may feel the effects because it hurts us watching. We share tears. We share anger. We wonder why. We pray for the best. But it's her journey. Her struggle.

For as much as we say we're there for her she is really going it alone. Only her body can fight off what is there. Only she is going through treatment. Only she is tired and feels weak. Only she looses her appetite. Only she is having to have fluids injected to have a PETScan done. Only she has cancer. She is strong.

I hate it. I hate cancer. I love my sister.

But we are sitting here. Waiting. We'll have smiles on our face when she comes out. Give her a moment of happiness and refocus her attention - hope to keep her mind, anxiety, fear at bay until her appointment to hear the results. And see what her next steps are.

I don't ask this often. But, if you have a moment, please take it and lift my sister up in your prayers, thoughts, good intentions and positive energy as you go through your week.

I love my sister.

I hate cancer.

Carbs, How I Miss Thee

"I Always Liked Whisky. I Always Will, and That's Why I Never Drink It."
- Robert E. Lee

My vice isn't whisky, but it is carbs. In any form: bread, cakes, cookies, cupcakes, donuts (oh give me an apple fritter), bagels, crackers, pretzels, pasta, rice, pizza dough!

Lordy-be! I love me some carbs.

It's my biggest weakness.

On this journey, with my pouch, we are not allowed any carbs. I eat primarily protein. There is a process to add new foods each week as your pouch heals.  First it was liquid protein - shakes and the like. Then it was a combo of soft protein (tuna, tilapia) and supplemented by more protein shakes. Protein, Protein, Protein. I'm up to thin shaved deli meat and seafood now, but you get the picture.

When you eat, you must eat your protein first to make sure you consume it in it's entirety before eating the other allowed foods (unsweetened applesauce, canned veggies, canned fruit in water or sugar free jello). I can also have avocado - my one good fat. In fact, avocados have become my Frank's RedHot - I put that shit on everything.

This weekend I was with my sisters. We went to lunch yesterday on the Hill. Yep. Pasta galore! My baby sister, in from Colorado, wanted a "real" St. Louis Italian salad and pizza. The nice waiter brought out a basket of soft Italian bread. They had to hide it from me. It was like a drug. I wanted to grab some so badly.

I had seafood ceviche on a bed of avocados. It was tasty, but it wasn't pizza or pasta con broccoli.

The next morning my baby sister came over with a huge box of donuts. An apple fritter was in it. Dear Lord! I'm not sure of all these tests. They kept the lid on the box and just grabbed little pieces to eat at a time. But I could smell the sugar.

I blame my baby sister for being the shit-disturber she has always been.

At this point in my journey I am allowed to have a serving of low-fiber crackers like Saltines or Ritz. I tried. I wanted more than the 5 crackers allowed in one serving. I could have eaten the entire sleeve. So I have come to the realization that just like Robert E. Lee and whisky, I may never really be able to eat carbs again.

Too much of a temptation.

It's one of those "slider" foods that I have heard about on the Sleeve Boards on Facebook or online. It's best to just stay away. I'm working so hard at eating well, I would hate that one bite of any type of bread may bring about a relapse of my addiction.

So perhaps my weakness is becoming my strength. I will have to have the strength of 10 women to avoid these slider foods and continue on my losing track.

It has definitely been my strength to get me past my weaknesses this weekend.

To paraphrase Robert E. Lee; I always liked carbs. I always will, and that's why I'll never eat it.

Please Lord, keep me strong!

One Month

"When it comes to making a big change in your life, you have to want it more than fear it." 
- Unknown

A month ago yesterday I stood in front of my friend's camera. Exposed in a way I hadn't been other than in private - wearing only a sports bra and spandex pants. I thought it would be a good idea to take a "before" picture the morning of my surgery.

Yesterday was a month since surgery and my friend gave me a text greeting and mentioned that she would be over to take my monthly picture. Oh boy!

I never saw that first picture. I'm too embarrassed about what I could possibly look like to even want a glimpse. Scary stuff!

Can't say I was that excited about getting in to those spandex capris again either, to be honest.

I know I have had changes. Clothes fit much better now. Clothes that I've had squirreled away because they were too small fit now. And, I can feel the changes. I can see my toes over my belly now. My double chin doesn't seem as large.

But I wasn't sure I was ready to see the images.

Nonetheless, I went to change in to the spandex and sports bra again.

Pictures were taken. Full front, side, 3/4, arms up. Oy!

No! Don't show me. I don't like looking at myself - especially at the truth of it all.

I never look at a full length mirror. I only see my face to put on make up and dry my hair. I don't take long looks as I walk by a large window. I've never been one of those girls who enjoyed seeing their reflection. It wasn't a reflection I was proud of. Same goes for photos.

You won't see many photos of me around. Hate them. It just reminds me of my size. Right there. Undeniable. I'm huge. Why would I want to see that?  I'll hide behind someone or only take shots above my neck.

Seriously, it's scary stuff.

Then I got to thinking. What am I scared of? It's ok to be scared. If you face what you're scared of you can tackle it much harder, right? I need to face myself - my FULL self.

Will I see a change? What if I don't see a change? It's only been one month after all.

Scared and nervous.

Which is funny, really. I was never scared or nervous of the surgery or the decision to have it. It felt natural. I wasn't really nervous about the surgery the day I went to the hospital. And, it was never about being brave, it was about the fear of eating away my health.

Fine, let's look at this photo. Let's face this fear. Let's see the truth.

So my friend made a side-by-side photo and an overlap to see where I have been and where I am.

I was blown away. There it was on the screen.

I have changed. There was shrinkage. It was noticeable. I've got a long way to go, but what a reminder of why I'm doing this!

I wasn't so scared anymore. I do want this more than fear it. It's palpable.

I just need to keep moving forward. I have to keep wanting it more than fearing it.

We'll see what happens in another month!

Stomach vs. Brain

"The Difficulty Lies Not So Much in Developing New Ideas as in Escaping from Old Ones."
- John Maynard Keynes

When my daughter's stomach hurts she always describes it as WWIII happening inside her. The same can be said for my head and pouch right now.

I eat what I am supposed to, as much as I'm supposed to. But yesterday seemed like it just wasn't enough. I wanted to eat, but wasn't hungry. And that was somewhat depressing.

I didn't like that feeling.

In the past I would just eat anything. I wanted to put something in my mouth and I did it. I would try to choose something "healthy." But let's be honest, it never really was an option I would naturally select.

In the bariatric world - and, yes there is one - this is called "head hunger." Your mind is literally playing tricks with you.

As I have said in the past, if I was bored I would eat. If I was sad, I would eat. If I was happy, I would eat. If I was... you get the picture. So while food is consuming my days now, it did in the past too. The difference is that now I am conscious of it, where before it was an unconscious habit.

And, that is what makes it difficult now too. Where I would mindlessly gravitate to food before, now my mind is thinking about food when I don't really want food.

I don't like this feeling.

I noticed it when I was driving to the store yesterday. I'm driving along and thought to myself, I could stop and pick up a ... WAIT! Pick up a what? Hamburger? Fries? A Quarter Pounder with Cheese Combo? What was I thinking? I'm not even hungry. I am perfectly satisfied.

My brain, pouch and heart got in to a heated argument. It wasn't pretty.

It was almost like "ghost hunger." The 3/4 of my stomach they took away was still aching for comfort food. Trying to call the shots - and it isn't even there anymore! While the pouch was trying to remind my brain that this need for greasy fast food wasn't necessary. Let alone that one bite of that stuff and my pouch would have rejected it in a heartbeat.

Up until yesterday, I hadn't experienced such a thing. But, this struggle isn't going to go away that easily, I am sure. I just have to continue to remind myself that I am escaping from my old ways of eating and developing new healthy habits.

I've had 57 years of eating poorly. I'm really not missing out on anything anymore. Because if I continue on the wrong path I'll miss out on so much more.

Life.

I Sat, Therefore I Am

"Some People Just Need A High Five."

I gave myself a couple of high fives the last couple of days. I was rather excited, really.

Isa and I went to the theater over the weekend to see a friend's performance. I was ready to squeeze in to the theater seat, but surprised myself by just - well, sitting.

No squeezing. No adjusting to make sure my hips fit. I sat.

The next evening, my parents and I went to the high school to see Isa in her Show Choir performance. And, guess what?

I sat.

In the theater seat. No adjusting. No squeezing. I just sat down without thinking about it.

For someone who isn't large it may hard to fathom how sitting would be a "thing." I'm here to tell you that we do. I know I do.

The way I'm consumed with thinking about food now is how I am when going somewhere to think of where I would sit. Yes. It sounds goofy.

Airplane seats. Movie theaters. Restaurants. Will I break the chair? Will I fit? Will I be seated next to someone and I encroach in to their space? It's uncomfortable. How long do I have to sit here?

But that didn't happen this weekend. Now, don't get me wrong, I also didn't have much left over room, but dang, not squeezing felt great.

Actually, it felt pretty damn good.

I can't wait for other new things, especially crossing my legs. I really can't wait for that!

For now, I'll take this as my high five for now!

Is it a Stomach or a Pouch?

pouch

pouCH/

noun

1. 1.

   a small bag or other flexible receptacle, typically carried in a pocket or attached to a belt.

My friend gets irritated by me calling my stomach a "pouch." She tells me that no matter the size, it's still my stomach after all.

And, she's right. It still is my stomach. But it is so much smaller now. It's called gastric sleeve because they leave only one-third of your stomach and it does resemble a sleeve. So, yea, it's small.

And, yea, I kind of like calling it a pouch.

In fact, I believe it helps me to think of it as a pouch. My pouch is full. My pouch is hungry. I have to feed my pouch.

Silly, I know.

But my pouch is just a fraction of what my stomach use to be. And, knowing that, I understand how little I need to eat to "fill" it. And, I also know how slowly I need to fill it so it doesn't overflow quickly.

Thinking of it as a pouch makes me think of it as "special." I need to take care of it. Baby it. Make sure it remains a pouch and not a huge carry on bag like it use to be.

When you think of a pouch, you think of a gift. At least I do. A velvet or  small, pretty mesh pouch with something special inside. A piece of jewelry. Some crystals. Something to treasure.

I believe that is what my pouch and it's contents are to me now. Something to treasure.

Keep safe and small. Only place in it healthy, nutritious, treasures that will be sure to have it remain a pouch for a long time to come.

Perhaps one day I will refer to it as my stomach again.

But, for now, it's my treasured pouch.

What's in Your Closet?

"Nothing Tastes as Good as Feeling Fit Feels."

I enjoy shopping. But, mainly for others and not so much for myself. I have to go to "specialty stores" for my clothes. With no good specialty stores close, Isa gets a lot of stuff.

When I do buy clothes for myself it's mainly large shirts or maxi skirts - you know - the illusion of large clothes covering a larger body to somehow make you feel smaller inside.

I know it's crazy. But, hey, no one really said I made sense.

So, I'm ending my three weeks post op. I've lost 30 pounds and I can feel the difference. Getting ready to go to Mother's Day brunch yesterday, I went to my closet to get out my usual clothes and... there it was. A red dress I had purchased eons ago that never really fit. It has blue stripes. Horizontal stripes no less. Not sure what I was thinking when I purchased it. Everyone knows you shouldn't wear horizontal stripes as a person my size.

For grins, I tried it on.

And it fit!

A little snug in places still, but it fit all the same!

Damn! I felt good.

I didn't feel uncomfortable. I didn't feel out of place. I know it doesn't seem like much in the larger scheme of things, having lost 30 pounds. But what a feeling of triumph.

I left it on all day. And, I got compliments.

My mom said that she can see my neck and can start to see some collar bones. That's cool.

My friend said she can see the difference on my torso. Love that.

Even my dad, who admits he isn't terribly observant, says he see the difference too.

Got to be honest, I don't see a difference. At least I didn't until yesterday when I tried on the dress. I can feel it, to be sure. I feel my stomach shrinking. My hips and thighs haven't fully caught up to the party yet, but they will in time. But I can feel it. And, it feels good.

What else do I have in my closet that I have forgotten about? I'm going to have to go through things and see what else I can find.

I can't wait until Isa and I can go shopping together!

Happy Mother's Day

"And, Sure Waiting Will End, If You Just Wait Long Enough."
- William Faulkner

Food and Celebrations go hand in hand. At least it seems so in our family. So, naturally, for Mother's Day we went out for brunch.

And, naturally, there was a 45 minute wait (which turned out to be more like an hour) at the restaurant. And, naturally, we didn't start our day until later in the morning because - well - it is Mother's Day after all. We wanted to sleep in.

So while I normally have my breakfast at 8:30 - 9 AM, we were having the first meal of the day at 12:45.

I'm on a schedule. Waiting that long to eat was hard. I'm starving by this time and it makes it hard to keep my vitamin schedule on track too. I didn't prepare as I normally have these past couple of weeks. I screwed up and here we are waiting.

Now, I'm a naturally easy going, laid back person. I'm also naturally 5 - 10 minutes late to things. Even if I put appointments on my calendar 15 minutes early, I still get there 5 minutes late. I don't get it either. It just happens.

But, now a days I live by my clock. I have to get all my vitamins in throughout the day. I have to drink my water throughout the day. I have to get my walks in throughout the day. I have to have my meals spaced out correctly throughout the day. My down time is just waiting for the next scheduled meal or supplement or drink. A waiting game that I'll just have to learn to get use to.

This day's celebration was making a real mess of things. I wasn't quite sure how I was going to handle it. I wasn't focusing on my family, I was focusing on my regimen.

But I did handle it.

I just took a deep breath. I enjoyed my brunch cheese and ham omelette with my family. Brought half of it home. I figure things will be a little bit of mess today - and that's ok.

I realize that I'm still new to this game and my focus is all on how I will conduct my process each day, but that will get better. I just have to be patient with myself as I learn to become accustomed to this journey.

The waiting will be worth it. You just have to wait long enough.

So Much Math

"I'm Counting on Me to Be My Healthiest."
- Carmen

So. No one told me there would be so much math on this journey. Not a big fan of math. Was never really good at it.

But here I am. App in hand totaling up my meal's calories and nutrients. Did I get in enough protein? How about calcium? How many calories do I have left for dinner? How many ounces of water have I drank? Did I walk enough miles and minutes today?

Sheesh.

Add to that (pun most definitely intended) I also have the 20:20:20 rule to follow. That's having 20 bites of food, in 20 minutes, and making sure to chew each bite 20 times. How's that for mindful eating?

Got to be honest, I forget what number bite I'm on once I get to about 5. Really. You try it - it ain't easy to keep track of! Especially when you're also counting your chews.

But there is a reason for all of this. I do understand.

When you have bariatric surgery you must be aware of how much protein your body is consuming. (FYI, women need 60-80 mg of protein a day.) Make sure you have enough of a caloric intake to burn energy - I'm lucky if I hit 800-900 calories a day. Doesn't sound like much, but I can't eat any more than that. And, make sure you are keeping hydrated.

I think that is the hardest part. I am already full of food, protein shakes or protein drinks - water is the last thing I want to consume. And, I'm full already. Good thing that as I exchange good, high protein foods for the protein drinks I'll be able to drink more water.

Of course, I'll have to watch the clock - see, I can't drink anything 30 minutes before eating or 30 minutes after. The water will both keep me too full to eat the nutrients I need if I drink before and then it will flush the food out of my system too quickly to absorb the nutrients if I drink after.

I know. My head spins too.

There are just too many numbers to keep track of. 20:20:20, 30:30, 800, 900, 60, 80... carry the one.

I feel as though I have something in my mouth pretty much all day. Food is pretty much all I think of. Purchasing it. Preparing it. Eating it within slow, small bites - enough bites with enough chewing. I'm obsessed.

And, we haven't even talked about the vitamins and supplements! Lordy! I have a schedule on Google Calendar. No, really. I actually keep an alarm on my phone to tell me when I have to take my pills or chew my vitamins. Multivitamin, Vitamin B1, B12, Calcium with Vitamin D, Iron. But you can't take them together. They won't absorb in your system well if you do.

Crazy.

I know it will get easier. In time. But for now all this math is nutty.

Thank goodness for Apps! I'm counting on them!

But mainly, I'm counting on myself!

Just Move

Food is the Most Abused Anxiety Drug.
Exercise is the Most Underutilized Antidepressant.
- Anonymous

Ain't that the truth.

I've abused food my entire life. And, not just to squelch anxiety. I used it to make me happy, to hid behind, to celebrate - It was my drug of choice.

Now I only eat about 800 calories a day - and I'm stuffed.

Part of this process is exercise. My doctor gave me an informational tip sheet at my post op visit. Most people, it claims, asks what the most successful patients do to make a success of the surgery. Of course, exercise was number two on the list. (The first was follow the food plan.)

But movement - any kind at first - was most recommended. No fancy gyms. No personal trainers. Just a good pair of sneakers and a walk. Ten minutes a day, at first, with an elevated heart beat. Then increase it until you can do 30 minutes in a day.

Have I mentioned how sedentary my life has been these last, oh, 5 - 8 years? Well, it has been. Pretty darn sedentary.

You see my knees hurt. Super bad. I have had arthroscopic surgery done on both knees to buy me time before having to have them replaced. Unfortunately, I think the time has come, but what good is the surgery if you can't carry your weight on your knees anyway.

So, I'm walking.

I do walk thirty minutes a day - just in 10 minute intervals.  Ten minutes in the morning. Ten minutes in the afternoon. Ten minutes in the evening. Until I can get past watching the clock for those 10 minutes and move past it, I'll continue to do this regime. I just got to keep these knees moving.

I would like to say that I'm depressed that my knees hurt so bad when I walk. In fact, as soon as my 10 minutes are up, I rush to my chair. But, I kinda like the rush of having my heart pumping on purpose. I like seeing the steps on my Fitbit. I like seeing how far I have gone in miles.

I realize that it is only 10 minutes at a time, but I also realize that with time I will be able to increase my stamina. And, it makes me happy. Soon I'll be able to go to the gym and walk on a treadmill. But for now, I'll just walk around the neighborhood. When it rains, around my dining room table.

I really don't consider it exercising. I consider it part of the process.

And, geez. I'm happy! Can you get endorphins with only 10 minutes of walking at a time? It seems to be working.

Down 28.8 pounds

Preparedness

"Winning is the Science of Being Totally Prepared."
- George Allen, Sr.

This has been the busiest few days. And, I started my soft food diet smack at the start of this busy time.

My daughter was in a musical last weekend. Anyone who has ever been in a play or had a child in a play knows that there is such a thing as "Tech Week" - where the actors finally get to go on stage and rehearse with costumes, props, mics, and the set. It is also the time when the lighting, set, costume and sound designers get to rehearse too.  These are very long nights, but necessary. It makes sure everyone is prepared for the actual show.

Come to find that the cast and crew weren't the only ones that needed to prepare that week.

I love to volunteer - especially if it is in a theater. So, I just had to be at Tech Week and the run of the show with my daughter. That meant having my dinners and snacks and protein drinks ready for each night. Talk about mindful eating. Talk about preparedness!

I put protein powder in a container. Got some single tuna pouches and avocados at the ready. Had a sugar free jello and sugar free pudding. Grabbed my insulated lunch bag and a cold protein drink in my Tervis. I was ready to go!

I was prepared.
And, I stuck to my guns.
And, it worked.

I'm not going to say it was easy. It wasn't. I have to learn how to mix it up a bit, but not sure what else is so easy as tuna pouches when you're on the go.

But what was wonderful was celebrating my daughter's final performance by going out to dinner. I knew what was appropriate. Did some research on a couple of restaurants so I would be prepared when I arrived.

I ordered grilled salmon and a potato. I brought home half of it. That was pretty awesome, really.

It felt good.

I really can do this. A little preparation goes a long way.

And, I'm going a long way with it.