SHINE vs Failure

"The only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve; the fear of failure." 

~ Paulo Coelho

So, I'm going to let you in on a little secret...

I've stumbled. I've fallen. One year out and I'm having a hard time adjusting to my new found success.

Interesting how, just when you're doing so well, when you are making strides, when you feel like a million bucks, when you are actually manifesting what you had hoped to receive, life stops you dead in your tracks and makes you question everything.

Fear of success is a horrible thing.

Back in February I wrote about attending The Joy of Goals. I wrote flowery words about how wonderful it is to complete goals. I had crossed off so many of my goals. Life changing goals. Earth shattering goals. Big. Amazing. Goals.

It felt wonderful and fulfilling.

And messy.
And scary.
And suddenly stifling.

I told you about how I had also recognized my complacency... or what I thought was simply complacency and contentment.  I had wavered and stumbled. I stopped what I know was a key to success...jotting down what I eat, working out everyday, cutting out carbs. When I realized where I was with my new life, I started up again. Being conscience of what I was/or wasn't doing.

Until I didn't.

Why? What was going on in my head to cause me to stop eating right? Stop moving my body? Stop making strides toward my success, attention, happiness.

Success? Attention? Happiness? Do I deserve these wonderful feelings?

I talked this through with my dear friend and coach as I move through her leadership training called SHINE. I didn't even want to mention it to her at first, but so glad I finally fessed up. She asked me why I was afraid of success. Why am I afraid of attention? Of happiness?

She and I talked it through. I began to see what I was doing. And I cried.

I was fine being hidden. Didn't have to work at it. I just was. Hiding behind my weight. Hiding behind my daughter. I'm not saying I was happy, but I was hidden. See, even though my personality seems big and loud, I am not a big and loud person. Most people don't believe me when I say I'm actually an introvert. Hey, I'm an actress - I can play big when I have to.

Wait! That's right. I am an actress! When I stepped on stage again it was refreshing, renewing, rejuvenating. I LOVED it! I realized that's where I wanted to spend more time. My confidence grew. It was amazing.

My daughter and I went out soon after my performance and I was suddenly recognized by strangers for my role in the musical. It happened in many other settings too. It was just one performance, but threw me in a new line of sight. I'm doing more performing and gaining more attention. And, it's freaking scary! I didn't do much to attract this attention. It was just one musical. It was just one performance. What the heck was going on? What if I bomb the next show I'm in?!

And, I'm suddenly eating more. Craving more... food. Trying to hide again. Sabotaging my success.

I did attend my second Joy of Goals workshop a couple of months ago, but was unable to stay for the whole event. I didn't write down my goals and I never opened the book again after that day. BIG mistake.

I have to remember how horrible I felt being so big. I have to remember how horrible I felt being hidden away - it's much worse than being seen, even if being seen is scarier.

Because when I'm seen... What if I make a mistake. What if people don't like me anymore being my true self? What will happen if I shine and overshadow and move past this bump and truly succeed? Then what? I don't know who I am past where I am now. Not having succeeded, truly succeeded, in the past.

I love my dear friend/coach. But I'm also angry that so much emotion just came out this afternoon. I cried. I cried for what I have lost and for what I have gained. I cried that this is so tumultuous. I cried when I realized that I have always been scared of success and it has stopped me from doing so much more with my life.

And, I cried because I know what I now need to do. And how much work needs to be done. And, how much I realized that I deserve to succeed - in whatever form that is going to take.

She reminded me that we find evidence of what we believe. So I have to shift how I see and believe myself. My powerful, shining, talented self. I don't have to give up something to be successful. I have everything to gain!

Thank you my dear friend. Thank you for keeping me accountable to my truest self. Thank you for creating a safe space for me to find who I am and where I am going. Thank you for helping me find the infinite.

It is time to SHINE!

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Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Not Another Motorcycle! :: Or Online Dating...Sheesh The Finale

"If I have to see another motorcycle picture on a dating profile, I'm going to scream!"

~ Carmen

This online dating thing hasn't been going so well lately. It's nice out now and more and more people want to get out in the nice weather. And, so it seems, do single older men. With other single men... and their prize of a woman sitting behind them on their motorcycle. 

I have noticed that more and more profile photos are actually of a man's toys: motorcycles, muscle cars, their latest catch, their latest kill (what did that animal ever do to you?), their pets, or their boats. Sometimes the man's face is actually in the photo too. Most of the time not. Because, you know, I want to date a golden retriever on a boat with a dead animal in its mouth!

I understand midlife crisis'.  Truly I do. I've gone through my own - and believe I'm still going through it. However, midlife for me is more of a recognition of being who I am. Not replacing who I am with items. Or trying to replace my image with things that are believed to be desirable.  I'm not interested in your log cabin on 100 acres... that's just a little creepy really if that's where you want to take me!

There are also the men that have hit the gym... hard! And, the are very proud of their accomplishments, as they should be. But, enough with the sweaty, naked chest photos of you lifting heavy weights. Or doing the bodybuilding poses in your bathroom mirror. Or having a friend take photos of you doing pull-ups at the gym. I get it. You're strong and proud of your body. I'm happy for you. Really I am. I just feel you're trying too hard. And, not all women are in it for the body!

Just be yourself. Show me your kind eyes. Your warm smile. Sure, show me your motorcycle if you're on it and having fun. I'd love to see your pet - if you're sitting with it. Your kayak looks wonderful on the river while you were on a float trip.

I wonder what my photos are saying to prospective suitors. Me in the snow in Colorado. One hiking. Smiling. Being funny.

I think my time online dating is coming to a close. I want someone cerebral and loving. Soft and strong. I've met a couple, but they are few and far between. Not sure that is what I'm going to find online.

But that's ok. I've had fun meeting new people. Stretching my boundaries. Taking a leap of faith. And, that's good.

Just, if I have to see one more motorcycle.... oye!

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Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.