Clean Your Plate

"Anyone Can Workout for an Hour, But to Control What Goes On Your Plate the Other 23 Hours...That's Hard Work!"
- Anonymous

Every parent made you finish your plate for dinner before you got up from the table to go play. Ours did. I also remember them saying we needed to finish whatever we served ourselves. And, of course when you're  hungry your eyes are always bigger than your stomach. I didn't mind - I always cleaned my plate.

It's so different now and it's weird.

I just started my third week. It's time for soft foods (soft baked fish, mashed potatoes, soft cheese, canned veggies and canned fruit).

So, I have a plate of food now. Nothing fancy. My first breakfast was a scrambled egg and a cheese stick. Dinner? Baked Tilapia and a 1/2 cup of canned green beans.

After drinking my meals for the last three weeks this was a welcomed change! I got to chew again.

But, trying to find my full point has become harder. I chewed my food 20 times as is recommended. I took 20 minutes to finish my meal, as is recommended. Before with the liquids I felt comfortable when I hiccuped or had a runny nose and I would stop eating.  This time I didn't feel anything. No cues or clues. And, I finished my plate. Was I full? I could continue eating.

Was it because I was actually eating food? I could see the food on the plate. This is my first real food in a couple of weeks. I couldn't leave any behind.

A friend recommended cognitive behavioral therapy a few days ago and, while I thought I could wait for a while, I think it may be time. I want to be sure I know when to stop eating rather than to continue to finish my plate at every sitting.

Let's face it - food is an addiction. I'm an addict. And, I need to know my triggers so I can avoid them. I can't, after all, avoid food. It's nourishment. But, I can learn to control how I eat and what goes on my plate. That's what I am learning now. I just need to add some CBT to learn how to stop.

I have to learn how to remove my feelings from food.  I need to learn to find satisfaction in other activities and areas in my life without food. This blog is helping to be sure. But there has to be other things outside of my head. Drawing? Gardening? Singing? Acting?

I'll find it. I will. Slowly but surely.

But, everyone can use a little help. CBT may be the help I need. Now to find where to go. It will be hard work. I'm ready.

Down 25 pounds.

Half way to 30

"And Tho She Be Little, She Is Fierce."
- Shakespeare

I adore my daughter. She is a mini-me - literally.

She looks like me, acts a lot like me, has similar wit, interests and hair like me. She has an appetite like me. She is also so very gifted - I can't claim that too well. Where I can sing and act, and made a profession of it for a long time, my kid is beyond what I ever could have done or aspired to do.

And, she is growing in to a wonderful young lady. She makes me very proud.

It's was her birthday yesterday. She's 15. Or as she says, she's half way to 30! Yikes! She's closer to 30 than she thinks, the way her mind works.

My mom has told me for the last 14 years that I needed to get healthy for my daughter. Offer the sacrifice of not eating for my daughter. Lose weight for my daughter.

True. My entire life pretty much revolves around my daughter - driving her from one thing to another. Supporting her in all the activities, plays and music she enjoys. Anyone who knows me knows that. But, go through all this just for her seems futile.

This journey is for me. Selfish, I know. But it has to be. It's time I do this just for me.

I have tried to lose weight for other things in the past - theater roles, boyfriends, a fancy dress. These types of goals aren't for me. I'll lose the weight for a while, but it would all come back. Or I'd never lose any, but gain  - just out of spite.

However, saying all that, I hope that my daughter will learn and be proud of my effort. I hope that when she recognizes how hard I am trying through this she learns determination and self-love. I hope she learns self-respect and courage. And see that hard work - at whatever age - can bring about a healthy lifestyle and confidence.

And, I hope she learns that she too should be selfish sometimes. She jokes that her friend group call her the "mom" because they can go to her for advice or support. I hope she learns from what I am doing that she doesn't have to do things for everyone all the time. Because there are times you need to do things by yourself, for yourself. Find that fine line between selfish and self-less. As I have learned from a good friend - find balance, be gentle, kind and supportive of you.

But, I especially hope she doesn't wait until she's closer to 60 to figure that out as I seem to have.

Happy Birthday my lovely. my wish for you is the same for me - all the joy, health and happiness imaginable.

Emotional

"I Was Blessed with the Best Siblings I Never Knew I Needed."

-Carmen



Gosh my siblings drive me nuts!

Anyone with siblings knows... they can be a handful sometimes. Especially when you're the oldest of the bunch.

But I cherish them more than they could ever know. And, being the oldest makes me want to protect and support them as much as I possibly can.

I remember helping them with their homework when we were younger. Any paper, report, resume, or important letter - I would get a call. Even now when my nieces and nephews need some help, who do you think my siblings have them call? Yep. Me.

I wouldn't have it any other way. I'd do anything for them.

That's what makes this so hard now. My sister Tish has cancer. And, not any ordinary cancer. She has Colangiocarcinoma - bile duct cancer.  We'd never heard of it either. Very rare.

I guess that's fitting. My sister isn't ordinary either. A rare breed of strength and love. Generous and happy. Always laughing. Always busy. Always doing for others. The life of the party, of our family of any group she is involved in.

I love my sister.

Watching her go through this fight and not being able to do anything to fix it is hard to do. I can't imagine being her husband. Feeling helpless sucks. Cancer sucks.

And, now I can't even eat my way out of feeling all this suckiness.

I keep Tish company during her treatments at Siteman and would sit there eating through all the snacks they have for the patients in weeks past. Cheetos, Sugar Cookies, Oreos, Fritos. You name it. It was great. The basket is always full. Tish and I will sit and chat, trying to ignore the pumps and tubes leading the chemo going in and out of her. I bring her lunch. We eat. I felt like I was helping while helping myself to food to keep my feelings down and in check.

No more snacks now. I am feeling it all full scale. No food to hide behind anymore.

And it hurts. Bad.

Went to Relay for Life last night. The luminary ceremony did me in.

I sat there realizing all the people I know and love having gone through this torture - my dad and sister-in-law that have beaten cancer's ass, my sister and good friend fighting the good fight, and my good friend and neighbor whose family members have gotten their angel wings in the last couple of years.

Cancer sucks.

I hate that my sister is going through this and I can't do a damned thing about it but walk around a damn track. And, really I can't even do that!

This event is a party of sorts with food everywhere and I can't do that either!

I had to leave. It was cold anyway. I was done.

I love my sister.

Grateful and Thankful

"Never Let the Things You Want Make You Forget the Things You Have."
- Anonymous

Thank you to everyone who have sent positive thoughts, positive energy, positive messages, and positive prayers. How wonderful to know so many people have reached out to offer encouragement and support.

One of you wonderful friends mentioned to me that although I have to watch for things that I CAN'T have now, I must not forget all the things that I DO have.

And, he's right.

And, I do. In fact, I believe it's because of what I do have that I have taken this step.

I have my DAUGHTER - my lovely, wonderful, witty, bubbly, smart, talented, daughter.

I have my FAMILY.  Bound together by such a strong love and understanding. Unbreakable support and encouragement. Tremendous honesty and loyalty.

Anyone who knows us, knows we are extremely close. I'm the oldest of five, and four of the five of us live only a couple miles or less from each other. We get together almost every weekend. They are my primary social circle - and I wouldn't have it any other way. Whatever happens we are there for each other. Always.

I have my PARENTS. My amazing mom and dad - Momo and Papi - strong, stoic, faithful, with undying love and support for each of us. Our example for starting strong families of our own.

And, I have all of YOU. I'm thankful for your reminding me what I have in YOU. I am ever so grateful for all your kind words of encouragement. Checking up on me. Offering suggestions and help.

While I am going through this journey for me - learning what I can and cannot eat, I know exactly what I have that's important. And, I am ever so grateful for all of it - all the time.

Week 2: full liquids;  down 22 pounds

I'm Full When?

"Satiety (sa-TIE-e-tee) is that wonderful pleasant feeling of fullness you get when you eat, when you're no longer hungry, but aren't overly stuffed or uncomfortable.  You're just satisfied beyond desire." 

-Becky Han

I've really never known the feeling of being "full."

Being satisfied when having a meal or snack just never came to mind. I was full when my plate was empty and I could go back for more.  And, after leaping past the moment of fullness, I'd eat "one more bite" because my mind hadn't kept up with the rest of me and my need for satisfaction. 

Being satisfied was eating what I wanted when I wanted it. And, look where it got me. I am 5' 1-1/2" tall and was 285 pounds.  There. I said it. Two Hundred Eight-Five Pounds.

Damn.

I had lost and gained and lost and gained so much throughout the years. But I was never satisfied. Nor was I ever truly happy.

Being full was never a "wonderful pleasant feeling of fullness" for me. It was a feeling of fleeting satisfaction followed by discomfort and shame for having overate - again.

What will full or satisfied feel like now? I don't want to stretch my smaller stomach and using visual cues to stop eating never worked for me in the past! So, I went to the support boards and Facebook pages for info. Seems that folks have different triggers to let them know they were full. Gurgling stomach, gas, a runny nose (I'm not making that up).

How will I ever know I am satisfied? 

So there I was, at dinner, taking a bite of my jello and my nose began to run. I took another bite, not really thinking about it and my stomach started to gurgle.

And, I stopped.

And, I realized - I'm satisfied! I'm not overly full. I'm not uncomfortable. I'm satisfied!

And, it did make me truly happy.

PS: As of this morning - I have lost 19.1 pounds!  In one week. 

Just Try

 "Every Accomplishment Starts with the Decision to Try."
- Brian Littrell

I love coffee. No, really. I LOVE coffee. So, imagine my delight when I saw that decaf coffee was allowed on my week one liquid diet.

Sure. I would have to drink it black, but hey; beggars can't be choosers. The only liquids I have had these last four days have been protein shakes, protein drinks and jello. Not even broth tasted good. But, coffee...Ahhhh.

So, this morning I had a cup of decaf coffee for the first time since surgery. Delish. Loved it.

Unfortunately, the coffee didn't like me much. My stomach decided to make a big to-do about having something new in my system. Both of us weren't very happy with that.

It got me started thinking of all the "new" things I would have to eventually try. My first bite of "real" food in the form of a pureed soup. Thin oatmeal. Applesauce. Yogurt.

Then moving on to solid food.

I've never really been afraid of new things in the past, but...now I'm hesitant.

Tastes are different already. Smells are different. My choices will all be different.

The amount of food will absolutely be different.

But different is good. Right? Different will get me on my way to a healthy way of being.

This whole endeavor is something new I'm trying. Losing weight was never as successful as it could have been or stuck with me as I would have hoped. But trying new things now has taken on a new meaning.

This "new thing" is a permanent part of me. It's kind of scary thinking of all the differences ahead of me.

And, that's ok. Because if it scares you, it might be a good thing to try.

Besides, every decision starts with a decision to try.

This is my biggest decision of my life. Aside from trying the coffee this morning.

Happiness is Deciding

"The Groundwork for All Happiness is Health."
- Leigh Hunt

I chose this surgery because I choose happiness. I chose freedom to do what my body was meant to do and has not had the capability to do for a long, long time.

So, in a sense I do choose happiness. But I do so through health.

Today is the third day after surgery. I'm still a bit tired. A bit woozy. No more pain. But the gas! Lord be, the gas!

I was kicking myself because I couldn't finish more than 40 grams of protein yesterday. Minimum is 60. Optimum is 80 - 100. I just couldn't stomach another swallow. The nausea was overwhelming.

My sister reminded me - it's only your second day! So true. I've got to lay the groundwork first. She's always so wise.

The family celebrated her and my brother's April birthdays yesterday. The cooking in the house - the smells. I was worried I couldn't be around them. And, some of that was true, but only a little bit. I came out of my room while everyone was eating. My stomach was so full with the protein the food on the table didn't bother me at all. I'm sure that will change. But one step at a time. Lay the groundwork.

Took a couple of walks that helped with the gas. My neighbor helped get me to the store for vitamins and such - couldn't drive yesterday just yet.

Today, more walking and a trip to the bank. Moving and grooving. Already got one protein shake down. Drank a cup of decaf coffee - so good! And, more walking.

Laying the groundwork.

I've decided. I choose happiness.

Walking and GasX Are My New Friends

"What Comes Easy Won't Always Last. What Will Last Doesn't Always Come Easy"

-Anonymous
Got home yesterday!

Dr. Minkin said everything went very well. No complications (thank goodness). Passed my swallow test - talk about weird. Walked around the hospital and the house. Gotta get this gas out of me! It would help alleviate the pain if I could get some of this gas out! GasX strips help too. But not enough.

Everything is the same, yet different.

My stomach is smaller inside. But bigger outside right now. It is so bloated it's painful. Trying to drink water, my protein shake - anything - requires sipping small sips to avoid more painful gas or nausea. They warned me about that, but I had to learn the hard way. And, yes, it was terribly painful!
It now takes 30 minutes to finish 1/2 cup of a protein shake.

My lunch consisted of two bites of jello, a few sips of chicken bouillon and a sip of juice. And, I was full. I couldn't take another "bite."

There are folks out there that feel that this is the easy way out to losing weight. I'm one day post-op and I can tell you: This Is Not The Easy Way Out!

I haven't even started the emotional removal of baggage yet and I know this is not the easy way out.  I haven't begun the work it will involve to get the sag off of my body and I know this is not the easy way out. I haven't begun the figuring out the diet I will need to remain on the rest of my life to sustain this smaller stomach yet, and I know this is not the easy way out!

But that is what helps me understand that this will last. It won't be easy. And, huge change shouldn't be.

One day at a time. One toot at a time....

Today is the Day!

Plusheez available through Etsy.com

You're off to Great Places!
Today is Your Day!
Your Mountain is Waiting!
So...Get On Your Way!
- Dr. Seuss

Thursday is my surgery day. I am having 3/4 of my stomach removed through a small hole.

I attended a pre-op nutrition seminar to learn more about what I should starting after surgery. We knew about the liquid diet, but easing back in to eating food is a long, long process.

The first thing said at the seminar is that we must Honor our Commitment. Talk about a Mountain! It truly is a commitment. A larger commitment than I think I have ever made - next to being a mom.

I'm reminded through this seminar that this procedure is not a solution. It is a tool. One that will help me get a handle of my addiction to food.

My new eating regime will go from no fiber and all protein to adding fiber little by little until my new smaller stomach can handle such work. Learning to sip, rather than gulp. Learning to chew my food to a toothpaste consistency rather than chomp and swallow. Learning to eat much smaller portions, than returning to the buffet several times. Taking 20 minutes to eat a meal that consists of a slice of deli meat and a cracker. It's a Mountain.

I'm not nervous before surgery. I'm ready for it. What I'm not sure is how I'll feel taking that first sip of water after surgery. That first bite of jello. That first day home.

I am excited. I'm ready to Get on My Way!

It truly is a commitment. Today is the Day. For life.

It's a Process

"Success is Process, a Quality of Mind and a Way of Being, an Outgoing Affirmation of Life." 

 -Alex Noble

This whole process - and I do realize it's silly that by "whole" I'm talking about the last four days - has been interesting. I've been thinking a lot of what brought me to this space, this procedure, this time, this action.

Leadership expert and author, John C. Maxwell, says there are three components to communication. And, having worked in communications they came to mind: Thought > Emotion > Action. Connecting principles in a continuous loop. They can be used to describe other situations. Mine current one, for example.

So when I began to reflect on my current journey I was wondering, how did I finally get to this particular "action?" Certainly in years past I have taken my thoughts and emotions of being healthier and turned them in to an action by joining Weight Watchers (3 times), Jenny Craig (lost 80 pounds and gained them all back), going through the Cabbage Diet or the Grapefruit Diet - all of which reverted me back to Emotion and until it was all just a fleeting Thought.

It truly can be a vicious cycle.

When completing all the paperwork necessary to be considered for this surgery I had to check off all the various diets I had completed throughout my lifetime, the amount of weight lost and how long it stayed off.  And, it was a long, long list. Two pages actually. I was floored by the number of diets I had been on. Truly amazed how many times I turned thought in to emotion, in to action. But, each time reverting back to the beginning, having gained what I lost... and then some.

That's the epitome of yo-yo dieting. It's clear definition.

So, why now? Can't say that this was an immediate idea. My doctor had mentioned it a few years back. I'd circle around the thought, emotion and action of looking in to the procedure. Insurance wouldn't cover it at the time. And, really I had been successful with previous diets - so, let's just return to Thought mode.

This really is a process. Thought > Emotion > Action.

Going through the reasons behind my decision has become a process. Keeping track of my nutritional intake is becoming a process. The surgery just makes it all real. The surgery will become a tool to remind me that sliding back will only cause discomfort and pain. Real, not just emotional.

And, that too is a process.

Success is a process.

One I'm ready for.

I May Just Float Away

"Nothing's Gonna Stop Me From Floating"

-Tori Amos

Clear Liquid Diet. Those words alone should have me running for the hills. That is, if I actually could run. 

Just to put things in perspective - a clear liquid diet consists of sugar free jello, sugar free popsicles, and clear broth. My saving grace are protein shakes. Oh, and a ton of water - protein water, plain water, sugar free flavored water. Just get down the water. 

I'm not kidding when I say I feel like I'm floating away. It's been three days and I have pretty much had my fill of liquids. 

But what I find interesting is that I'm actually doing it. Crazy what you can set your mind to do when you hit rock bottom and sinking fast. And, I do believe I have finally hit rock bottom regarding my weight. 

My knees hurt carrying all this weight. I physically can't move much without having to stop and sit. I run out of breath going up or down a flight of stairs. I really can't do much with this weight holding me down. And, I truly miss moving around more freely. 

I feel trapped. 

It's been suggested I work out in a pool. Super. I LOVE swimming. I'm a Pisces, so me and water, we're tight.  A couple of problems though: I hate that I can't get in to my sister's pool - not because I can't get in, but because I can't carry my heavy ass out of the pool at the end of the day. And, I hate that I don't feel comfortable going to the pool at our community center having to walk all the way across the pool deck from the locker room to get to the workout area of the pool.  (If you hate being in a swimsuit as much as I do, then you totally get this part.)

If could get in - or out - being in water does feel freeing. You feel light while in the water. Water releases you. You're joints don't hurt while walking in water. Yet, at my size, I can't seem to find my way back in to the water I enjoy.

So I find it fascinating - and not the least bit ironic - that I am now feeling like I'm floating away with all the water I am consuming.

How appropriate to float in to this next chapter of my life. 

Liquids may be tedious for now, but what joy to be in water later. Lighter. 

Weightless. 

Freer. 

Floating. 

Because in the end, will I decide to sink? Or Float?

For now, I will just float away.

I Miss Chewing

"Don't it always seem to go; That you don't know what you got 'till it's gone. You pave paradise, and put up a parking lot." - Joni Mitchell

I miss chewing food.  Seriously. I miss chewing.

You don't realize how much you enjoy chewing your food, until you can't. The crunch. The burst of flavor. The saliva swishing around the food in your mouth while every space is filled with deliciousness. And, yet when I could eat and wasn't on this liquid diet I would take chewing for granted. I would eat so quickly I would forget what it was I was eating.

We rush through our meals sometimes - whether it is to go to our next appointment, get our kid to their next activity or just out of habit. No thinking involved. We eat so fast that we don't know what we got 'till it's gone! (To paraphrase Joni Mitchell's lyrics in Big Yellow Taxi.) And, of course, that would lead to overeating because the shut off valve was stuck in eating mode.

For the last couple of days I have only been drinking my meals. And, even then I caught myself gulping rather than sipping my protein shake or clear broth. I ate my jello cup in three spoonfuls. That's when I realized - I have to begin changing my habits now and start to eat mindfully. Even if that "eating" doesn't require chewing right now.

Enjoy your food. Enjoy the flavor. Stop and really take in the smell, colors, textures of your food. My sister calls this Mindful Eating. And, for a person who likes to meditate, you'd think I would have learned this a while back.

So moving forward and looking toward the time I have real food to consume again...I will slow down. I will smell, take in and enjoy the food in front of me. I will never again mindlessly inhale food without truly enjoying it.

Especially, since there won't be much food to consume. My stomach will only be 1/4 of its original size after surgery. Gone are the days when I would mindlessly eat a tub of Qdoba's nachos. Instead I will have a healthy combination of a slice of protein, veggies and good fat, for that will be the only amount my stomach will be able to ingest at this smaller size.

Slowing down to eat will allow me to enjoy each bite of the food I can consume. And, my new stomach will remind me in not so subtle ways if I try to go any faster.

But I'm starting my new habit now. I have already started mindful eating with the liquid diet I am on now. I enjoy each sip of my protein shake or of my sugar free jello.

Slow...Mindful...Eating.

Just have to get past this liquid stage and learn to eat once again.

But until that time...gosh, I really miss chewing.

Doesn't that Smell Delicious?

"I Love the Smell of Possibility in the Morning"

My daughter had a photo shoot on Cherokee Street this morning. Big deal, right? Allow me to explain this significance.

Cherokee Street is a wonderfully diverse area of St. Louis that hosts wonderfully diverse restaurants. From Mexican bakeries and taquerias to wood-fired pizzas at Yaqui's and sweet and savory waffles at The Melt. Just a great place for great food.

My family and I love going to Cherokee Street - we call it "Mexico." It's normally a treat!

Today is my second liquid diet day in preparation for surgery next week. And, boy was it difficult to be on Cherokee Street this morning. Not such a treat as it has been visiting Cherokee Street today as in the past.

I did come prepared. I had my protein shake with me. I had my huge tub of water with me. I knew my jello was just a ride home away. But, nothing prepared me for the smell.

Science says that the sense of smell brings about the strongest memories. And it was the smells alone that had me weak in the knees this morning.

The glorious smell wafting up to the loft from the restaurant below. Take a deep, long sniff. You can taste what you smell. Someone was smoking something delicious preparing for the lunch crowd and it was killing me. I felt like Mickey floating toward the smokey smell that seems to grab him by the nostrils. Here I am floating above the ground, taking in the smell with every deep breath in - that is until I willed myself back to reality.

It was tough. But then I realized. This is where the possibility of the future starts.

I'm on a journey. It may only be the second day of my journey but I am ON MY WAY. And, it is going to be tough.

I have centered my life around food for so long that even the smell of food had a grip on me. When really life should be centered around ME!

There will be other smells - popcorn, my mother's cooking, my dad's biscuits. But each one will be a reminder of my journey to a healthier life. And, I will take in the smell with each breath and think of the wonderful possibilities that are yet to come.

Chocolate Shakes for Breakfast Sounded Fun

Not gonna lie. This first day of clear liquids was hard. My tummy growled and acted up all day reminding me that food was nearby.

And, trying to down at least 60 grams of protein is not as easy as you may think. Especially since it is disguised as a "chocolate shake."

Don't let them fool you. I've had chocolate shakes and it doesn't taste anywhere near like the chocolate shakes I know.

But, I do know there is a good reason for this step in my journey. I have to purge the toxins from my body to prepare it for surgery in 5 days. My stomach has been filled with so much junk throughout my lifetime I'm surprised it will only take 5 days to ready it to be cut down to 1/4 of it's size.

So, I'm off. I have to track my food intake - if you call sugar free jello "food."

I got this. One day down. The rest of my life to go!

Off to drink my last "chocolate shake" of the day.

Maybe if I drink it out of a straw.....

Cutting Ties with My Best Friend

If You're Brave Enough to Say Goodbye, Life Will Reward You with a New Hello. - Paulo Cohuelo

Just came home from shopping for groceries. Yep. Some sort of combination of these items will be my sustenance for the next couple of weeks.

Clear liquid for 5 days and then clear liquids for another week after. Oh, and protein shakes. 60 grams of nasty tasting protein shakes each day.

Now, you'd think that I'm complaining - and, ok, maybe I am. But not because of what you may think.

I love food. I mean, I REALLY LOVE FOOD! It's been my constant companion all these years. It's been my friend when I had worries or was anxious or scared. It's been my lover when I needed some validation and comfort. It's been my recreation when I was bored with nothing else to do. So, I'm not mincing words when I say I love food.  The feelings are real. I knew what to expect day in and day out. Feel bad or bored. Eat. Feel better (sort of) and start over again.

And, food loved me too.  A little too much, in fact. It became suffocating. And, not just because I can't go up a flight of stairs without breathing heavy.

It would be jealous of any other relationships I may have had with friends, lovers or exercise. Food continued to build a wall around me with layers and layers of fat to help keep me from other things and other people. It would try to keep me safe, warm. It was a happy little world for Food and me. Until I couldn't move anymore and realized that my one love was keeping me from being me.

You know those relationships - toxic, overpowering and damaging relationships. These are the relationships your friends warn you against. These are the relationships you must end to take back your life and live it the way you were meant to - for yourself! And, sure it's easier to stay in this bad relationship because you have learned what to expect from it. But I realized that I'm getting nothing but aching joints, diabetes and cholesterol in return.

Well, enough is enough. Food, I have to break it off with you. And, fast.

I am now taking back my life. I'm ending my relationship with food. Starting tomorrow, April 9, 2016. I cutting ties with my best friend.

Knowing that I will have to do something drastic to make this switch, I have decided to have gastric sleeve surgery. Yep. I start my liquid diet tomorrow, April 9, to prepare for gastric sleeve surgery on April 14!

You can say I'm cleansing myself of it's hold on me. Literally. A cleansing of only clear liquids for a week before and a week after surgery. Then we will have an arms length relationship with food after that. We'll ease in to the nutritional sustenance that is required for my body to do what my body has been meant to do...

Dance.
Hike.
Run with my daughter.
Ride my Bike.

Live.

And so many other things that I can't even imagine right now.

I'll be keeping track of my progress here. Hope you join me and keep me company as I start this journey.

Gotta be honest. I'm scared. But as Paulo Cohuelo says, "If you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello."

Carmen 2.0 here I come.