Naked

"Out of your vulnerabilities will come your strength."
- Sigmund Freud

When you're large you really don't want to expose much of your skin. I mean...who wants to see that?  Even by losing 65 pounds, I'm still a large woman with a large woman mindset. I have been trying to wear different clothes that are more clingy, less fabric, and more exposed. I gotta tell ya - it doesn't feel great. Nor does it feel "normal." At least for me.

It's hot outside this week. I had a meeting with my friend/client and knew we were going to be working all day. I put on a sleeveless sundress over a sports bra and took a deep breath. You know how much I hate the loose skin on my arms. I don't care how often I say they are wings, they don't help me fly to high. But, I'm pushing myself in to new things. Exploring my vulnerability.

I walked up the stairs and started to get ready to leave. I was determined to feel good in my skin and in this dress. I was doing well until my mother, God love her, asked if I was going to put on a jacket. "Aren't you cold?" she asked in her passive/aggressive loving way.

It's going to be in the 90's today. So, no. I'm not cold.

"You may want to put something on," she continued with clearer meaning, "that doesn't really look nice."

Gee thanks mom.

No, I'm fine. I left.

And, the entire drive to my friend's house my mom's voice was in my head. I'm 57 years old, damnit, she shouldn't be living in my head anymore.

Of course, I'm already vulnerable. Her saying something before I left the house didn't help.

I kept thinking how exposed I was as I stopped at lights along the way. What are people looking at when they glance in my direction? Oh my, did I feel naked!

The voice in my head got so bad I buckled. I stopped at Target to buy a white t-shirt to go under the dress. I know. Silly.

For as much confidence as I have started to claim, it got shaken with just one comment. Stupid! I continued to argue with myself as I purchased the shirt and got to the car. I'm never going to feel comfortable in my skin if I allow others to tell me how to feel comfortable in my skin.

This after I had an evening in a beautiful new clingy dress at a fundraiser over the weekend and receiving so many compliments of how good I looked. Why was this day any different?

I have to stop listening to the large woman in my head (or the mother commenting when I leave the house) and stepping in to a smaller woman shown on the outside. I'm no longer a size 28. I'm no longer an XXL. I do have some loose skin - alright, a bit more than "some," but I'm not looking so bad. I have to celebrate what I have achieved so far.

Vulnerability is so hard to walk in to. Vulnerability exposes you - more than just your arms and legs in a sundress. However, if I don't allow myself to feel vulnerable, truth and courage will never come to fruition. It's uncomfortable. It's messy. It's not fun. But necessary.

I left the shirt in the bag and will be returning it on the way home.

Vulnerability is strength.

I will be strong.

Born Again

"Each morning you are born again. What we do today is what matters most."
- Jack Kornfield

Weight loss is an interesting thing. Tomorrow is an unknown - to a certain extent. But there are things that are certain.

I know I have to drink a ton of water. I know I have to eat a certain amount of protein. I know I have to eat enough calories each day. I know I have to exercise.

Each day is new. Each day holds new promise. But each day is still a routine.

I can genuinely say I have been depressed in my past. The weight and lack of movement didn't help. Feeling useless or unloved was hard to deal with. Not knowing what my future held for me or my daughter left me with sleepless nights.  But, most especially, when my sister passed away. That was depressing. Honestly, I haven't really gotten past losing my sister. Of course, that will never really go away. That's something that I will have to learn to live with - or, actually live without.

True, I haven't yet determined what my path will be moving forward. Just that it includes meal planning and exercise for continued success. But, for the first time in a long time I'm at peace with that. It doesn't have me anxious knowing that I don't have a path.

I was learning and experiencing and discovering so many new things about me and my life when I started this journey that it seems pretty boring now that I'm on some kind of autopilot. Perhaps that's a good thing.

Although discovering how I can walk much further than I have ever been able to before is pretty sweet. And, how I am at my lowest weight since college is very nice. And, I've discovered that I have much more stamina than ever is a wonderful thing. So maybe I do have more discoveries.

What I do today - eat right, move more, love more, laugh more - matters most.

I am not depressed.

Nor am I anxious.

I am present.

Each new day is a rebirth.

I wish that for everyone. I've discovered it's a great place to be and I will ride this as far as I can.

Update:
62.5 pounds lost!

Toxic

"Letting toxic people go is not an act of cruelty, it's an act of self-care."
- Unknown

One thing that weight loss and a healthy lifestyle has provided me is that I am much stronger than I have ever been - physically, of course, but mentally as well.

I've never really taken shit from many people, but I have also always been there for the someone in need. There's a fine line there somewhere. I hate giving up on someone that needs help. Especially if there is a good reason, like mental illness or severe depression. Those are the ones that need help the most. How can I possibly not help if they are in such desperate need of support and assistance?  I can be taken advantaged of given the right circumstance. Especially when the person in need is someone that was very close to a dear person of mine. I want to help because of them.

But, what if they refuse help? Or refuse to get help?

I now have a much healthier respect for myself to continue to battle for someone else's stability if they refuse to help themselves.

While I realize that there are very good (and clinical) reasons for a person's behavior, I refuse to let that influence who I am or how I will handle situations. I know that I am only responsible for myself and those that are the dearest to me. And, I can do away with anyone that doesn't respect who I am or those around me. Or refuses to get the help they so desperately require for a peaceful life in their own right.

And, I am in a much better mental place - having more confidence, and more self-respect than I have in the past. Which makes it all the more reason to let them go.

It makes me sad to cut that person from my life. But, my life is too precious to continue dealing with a form of insanity that is so unhealthy for so many.

Eating clean and exercising has it benefits - I've lost a tremendous amount of weight in a short amount of time. But the other benefits of having a clearer mind and taking control of my life in all its forms - exercise, outlook, future - is a powerful thing. I see the damage that others can control if you allow them to. I do not allow that to be in my life or that of my daughter's any longer.

I cannot let them define me, confine me, or refine me as they have to another person so very dear to me for so long. It breaks my heart, but I must do what my dear one could never - I will leave them behind me and I choose to move on.

I just have to remember, it is not an act of cruelty. It's an act of self-love. And, in this case, self-preservation.

Suspended

“I have come to accept the feeling of not knowing where I am going. And I have trained myself to love it. Because it is only when we are suspended in mid-air with no landing in sight, that we force our wings to unravel and alas begin our flight.”
― C. JoyBell C.

I have met up with a few people that hadn't seen me in a while. Feels good to be told how good I look. But after a little while the conversation makes its way to the question, how much do you want to lose? Or, what's your goal? Or, how many more pounds?

Truthfully, I'm not sure.

I know when I started I felt that a good 100 pounds would be good to lose. That would get me in to a "normal" range. I've never really felt "normal" about anything - let alone my weight.

There was a certain amount of acceptance I felt about my weight. I had come to accept my size when I was big, without really realizing I had. Perhaps that's not the right term. Perhaps it was more defeat than acceptance.

I've known I had to "do something" about my health and weight for some years now, but never could get a grip on... what? Myself? My thoughts? My future? Ok. I just couldn't get a grip. Period.

It wasn't until my sister was diagnosed with cancer that I knew I really had to do something. It wasn't so much a feeling or a recognition, it was more of a push. I finally felt like the saying I once saw - "I didn't know rock bottom had a basement!" I had gotten to the basement.

So, when I'm asked "how much more?" I really don't know.

I don't want to be corny and say "the sky's the limit!" But, I also don't want to give it a definitive number. If I give it a number will I be happy when I get there? Sure, I'll be happy I reached a goal, but quite honestly, getting started on this journey and actually making it through right now is something to be really proud of. It's a heck of a goal already.

No. I think my goal is to be healthy. I've never really been healthy before. Sure, high school while I was a cheerleader and actually being active everyday. But that was just one year.

When I face-planted on the metal window sill and fractured my nose I had to have a CTScan. They discovered that I had had a mild stroke sometime in my past. I went to see my doctor. She had me take an MRI. (I hate those by the way.) She told me that it was very common for these mild strokes to occur without being noticed - especially given my health history.

Excuse me - what?

My high cholesterol, my out of control diabetes, my high blood pressure, my enormous weight - all contributed to this mild stroke. No. I was not at all healthy. I was going about my business of being huge and getting huger (is that a word?).  It really shouldn't have surprised me. I guess it's because I never felt a thing. I had gotten accustomed to being big.

But now I want to get accustomed to being healthy! No. I don't know what my goal is. I don't know where I'm going, per se. I just know I am heading in the right direction now.

This is a new feeling of freedom. I am spreading my wings and beginning to soar to a new level of living I hadn't had since - well that one year in high school. And, it's about time.