Form Your Own Reality

"Because you ARE. You have the right to the abundance of nature in whatever way it is transformed or translated for you."

Jane Roberts (Seth)

I have an amazing friend. I have many amazing friends, really, but this particular friend, well...

He loves music. It speaks to him in ways I haven't seen in many people. I adore that he sends me a song every morning. For the past three months... every morning! It's amazing and I love it!

Some songs are fun. Some have meaning. Others make me think. But each song puts a smile on my face and starts my day on a positive note.

He's also the happiest person I have ever met. He has such a deep belief system that it becomes infectious, moving. And his energy vibrates at such a high level that it is practically titillating.

I say all these things because he has also become a sort of teacher. He has been guiding me to a stronger belief system of life, of me, of the energy that we all possess.

It's a beautiful thing.

One of the first things he told me, and I have this written down, was, "You form your own reality based on your beliefs."

Let that sink in... You form your own reality - You! You have the power. You control your life. Your reality.

Just a few years ago my reality had been of a depressed, overweight, unhealthy and lonely individual. A victim. I was allowing the actions of others to determine who I was. Sad.

I sheltered myself in a job where I thought I was doing good, but never had an opportunity to move from. It kept me "safe" but it also kept me stifled. And, I empowered those around me to dictate who I was. I certainly was not a leader. And, I certainly was not where I could use my gifts. I don't think I really realized what "gifts" I had at the time.

I didn't really believe in myself. My abilities. My person.

I felt unlovable. Undesirable. Unwilling to change my circumstances. A follower. Never a leader. Stagnant.

There was no vibration to my energy - at all!

Fast forward so many years.

It wasn't until I met another friend and learned from her wisdom that I started to see my future potential. That my journey would be different if I learned how to be authentic and SHINE. She took me to The Joy of Goals and I followed through in determining my goals and achieving them. What a marvelous gift she gave me!

But I wasn't done changing. Moving forward. Learning.

Along came my friend. He has offered books to read that has taken me to another plane in my journey. He has given me a new outlook on being me. Of finding my reality in the midst of life being lived. Of knowing that I can concentrate on my future, my outcomes and make them my reality.

It is so freeing. It almost doesn't seem real.

He taught me that we were born inquisitive, loving, ready to find the best in life for ourselves. Experiences, people, places along the way sometimes interfere with our journey of fulfillment. But how wonderful to recognize that we are on own path to happiness.

And, I understand why he is always happy. For this release of knowing you are in control is liberating. Why not be happy all the time?

He understands that it is our energy that is translated into experiences, into our emotions, into our feelings. Of course, we would be happy.

You release worry when you allow happiness to fill you. Some people call me laid back because I tend not to worry about "things." I believe that intuitively I already knew the direction that happiness would take me - I just allowed other forces to veer me off course.

This doesn't mean to avoid responsibility or ignore pressing matters/situations. But, it does mean to face them with a positive outlook so that the outcome is positive as well.

However, being happy frees us to use our abilities to their highest potential. For me, that may be in a leadership role in an office or on stage. Perhaps it's behind a microphone or a computer keyboard. The point is, I make up my choice. My reality.

If you're strong in your beliefs the rest falls in line.

If you're happy moving toward those beliefs they will come to you with abandon.

I'm still learning. This is a complex mind/soul shift to make.

But learning I am...

And Believing in Who I Am...

And Forming My Own Reality... and it makes me so happy.

_______________________________________

Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Who I Want to Be

"You are not discovering yourself, but creating yourself anew. Seek, therefore, not to find out Who You Are, seek to determine Who You Want to Be."

~ Neal Donald Walsh

I was invited to an Authentic Leadership retreat this past weekend. I had so many other things to do, I really didn't want to drive out an hour away and spend the day thinking of my to-do list at home. 

But, I went. 

And, boy, was I was very happy I did. 

And, so grateful to Deborah LeeAnn for inviting me. I truly learn so much from her.  She helps me grow. So, of course, this time with her and other friends would be wonderful.

Perhaps my reluctance to go was actually a reluctance to know more about myself and where I need to go.  Deborah has been helping me create a new vision/version of myself as I continue on this path of transformation. Who I want to be. 

I've been recreating myself for a while now. It can be exhausting if you allow it to be. Or it can be renewing. I choose the latter. For in reality we never stop learning, growing, recreating, expanding. Why would this weekend be any different?

We did a good many things in the day I was there. We made smudge sticks. Meditated outdoors. Were treated to delicious, healthy meals prepared by our hostess. 

And, the location! Have mercy! What a beautiful house on a lovely lake! So serene.

We accomplished so much in less than 6 hours.

Among our activities, there were two powerful sessions in our day. 

The first, a heart circle. We spoke about our strengths. We wrote down words, feelings, adjectives, expressions of who we are and who we wanted to be. We envisioned our future and what we wanted to create. What was around us, surrounding us, with us. The colors, the people, the smells. What were we doing? Who were we with? And, if that is our end result - our vision - is that truly what we want? 

Then we asked the question: What will it take to get me there? What do we need to ask ourselves, our god, our universe, our time to make it happen? 

Everything suddenly seemed so real and possible. I know what I want and who I want around me. It was me in that future. Happy. Fulfilled. Surrounded by those dearest to me. Doing what I know I can do. Hearing it. Experiencing it. Envisioning it. Seeing it in my mind's eye and touching it, feeling it. 

It was so real. 

It made me weep. 

We wrote down our question - a question that will help us create ourselves - and took it outside. 

The second impactful session, for me, was a medicine walk - a means of connecting to nature, but also a means of connecting to your own sources of guidance and support during life transitions. We allowed ourselves the freedom to walk outdoors while considering our question of creating our new selves. We allowed the wind to wrap us and the water to move us. The sun warmed us and allowed for free expression to the heavens.

And an hour went by in the blink of an eye.

I received my answer. So clearly. It was magical and dreamlike, yet so very real.

My path became so very real.

I'm not quite ready to share my question and new future creation with you yet, but it probably won't surprise you when I do.

It's who I want to be. A newly developed thought leader as I create myself anew.

It may have taken me a long time to get to this place, but it feels amazing.

I have determined who I want to be.

----------------------
Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Fear and Gratitude and Badassery

"Gratitude is alchemy. It changes powerlessness, fear, and resentment into grace, determination, and unrelenting badassery."

~ Unknown

This past year and a half for me have been about "No Fear!"  Not so much about "bravery," but No Fear! 

No fear to change. No fear to exercise. No fear to health. No fear to love. No fear to audition. No fear to perform. 

No fear.

The other day, something interesting happened. I belong to Deborah LeeAnn's Leadership Academy (I can't recommend this program enough - you can check it out here!) and we had a group call where we completed our Character Strengths. This personality survey measures 24 character strengths that fall into six buckets - or Virtues, as they call them: Wisdom,  Courage, Humanity, Justice, Temperance, and Transcendence. And, each bucket is subdivided further to reveal traits such as bravery, creativity, appreciation for beauty, humor, perseverance, perspective, leadership.

So I took the survey and it was revealed that my #1 Character Strength is Gratitude...

If Gratitude is your top strength you are aware of the good things that happen to you, and you never take them for granted. Your friends and family members know that you are a grateful person because you always take the time to express thanks.

I thought - that's kinda lame.  I didn't need to take a survey to know that!

Guess I wasn't displaying gratitude well, was I?

Then I started digging a little deeper.  Gratitude is part of the "Transcendence" virtue according to VIA Institute on Character that hosts the survey.

Transcendence
Gratitude falls under the virtue category of Transcendence. Transcendence describes strengths that provide a broad sense of connection to something higher in meaning and purpose than ourselves.

Higher in meaning and purpose than ourselves... hmmm. A broad sense of connection.  Now that I liked. But it still seemed that I was missing the bigger picture. 


I do feel an overwhelming sense of Gratitude. 

Grateful for so many, many things in my life. For so many people in my life. Grateful for life experiences. Moments. Situations. A new outlook on life. 

It was all these things wrapped up in a stream of such abundance that made me see how it was being grateful that allowed me to remove the fear I had felt before. The stifling fear of simply being was gone. 

You can't feel fear when you feel gratitude. There is no room for fear for your heart is always full of appreciation, determination. 

When you feel gratitude it fills your heart with hope. Peace. A calmness that fear cannot dimish. A determination that cannot be dimmed, allowing you to exceed your usual limits... transcendent. 

I heard it said once that practicing gratitude is an art that can provide you with a feeling of "greatness." But not an ego-filled greatness. More of a fullness to everything that is possible. 

Fear cannot live where there is possibility and possibility is everywhere there is gratitude. 

I do practice gratitude. I start every morning with simple meditation. I meditate on what I am grateful for, or what I want to be grateful for that day or that moment or in the future. I'm always grateful for my family. So I meditate on my family being happy, healthy, fulfilled.

A new friend of mine lives this more than anyone I have ever met. He is grateful for and celebrates good things in his life before they even happen. That's a skill - a way of being - that I aspire to and he is a wonderful example for me to learn from.  I am grateful for him. 

I am continuing to learn that I have the power. The power of change. The power of transcendence. The power of being fulfilled. The power of gratitude. And, there is no room for fear. Only grace, determination and unrelenting badassery!

What are you grateful for? 

No, really... I'd love to know. Comment. Let's show gratitude and be badass together.

I'm so grateful for you!

----------------------------
Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Alabanza | Praise to This

"Paciencia y Fe. Patience and Faith."

~ Abuela Claudia

In the Heights

This weekend was the final performances for "In The Heights." The last time on this "street corner." The last time on my bench. The last time on this set. The last time to meld voices with such fabulous performers.

Wowza!

What a transformative experience! How thankful I am to have been a part of something bigger than myself.

Being with R-S Theatrics and bringing "In The Heights" to theatre goers in St. Louis has been a rewarding, thought-provoking, joy-filled, music-filled and a simply amazing adventure. Something the likes of which I have never experienced. The magnitude, I can honestly say, I didn't anticipate.

This is the dream role I never knew I always wanted.

Our brilliant director had such a vision for this role within this musical that I don't believe even the originators knew how great it could be. Moving. Emotional. Powerful. Magic.

Abuela Claudia suddenly became the catalyst to the story. Larger than life, it seems. Especially when you see the portrait the graffiti artist, Bryan Pease, painted of Abuela!

And, I was blessed to be portraying her.

Yet, I began to panic...I couldn't "find" her. I couldn't find Abuela's voice.

We had rehearsals. I sang and recited the lines of the script. Blocking. Continued rehearsals. Where is she? I started to worry that I wouldn't find her voice.

We entered tech week. Finding costumes. Listening to the pit musicians. Where IS she?

This character, the heart of the story - where is she?

I voiced my concern to our director. She told me she wasn't worried. Said she was confident I'd have her when all the elements came together as we hit the stage.

God bless that woman!

My mother has a gold necklace that her mother gave to her. It has the image of the Sacred Heart on it. Many years ago we had my mom's name engraved on the back to make it more her own. She gave me the necklace a couple of years ago and I wore it with pride. When my sister was diagnosed with cancer I took it off in the hospital room and gave it to her as a talisman to carry her through treatment.

My sister passed away. And, the necklace was returned to my mom. It was placed in a drawer.

The main song that Abuela Claudia sings is "Paciencia y Fe," patience and faith. It was with Paciencia y Fe that my grandmother gave it to my mom. I imagine her giving it to my mother as she prepared to leave her home in Puebla, Mexico to move to St. Louis, Missouri with my dad.

It was with Paciencia y Fe that my mom gave it to me when I began to have serious health issues and it was with Paciencia y Fe that I gave it to my sister.

I asked my mom if I could have it back. Figured it would make a great addition to my costume.

The first night I put it on, along with a rosary bracelet my mom likes to wear, everything changed.
Abuela suddenly became every woman I know in my family. My grandmother. My great-aunt. My mother. My sister.

And, I found her. I found Abuela Claudia. I found the giving, caring, nurturing woman that is every one of the women in my family. That, I am sure is every woman in each of our families.

How fortunate am I to have such strong women in my family? How fortunate am I to have played such a loving character? How fortunate to have been given the opportunity to give her a voice! Here, today, now.

I may have put Claudia behind me as we closed the show the past weekend, but the necklace is still around my neck.

As I now reminisce and reflect on the past three weeks I say, "Alabanza!"

Alabanza! I lift this experience up to God's face and sing...

"Praise to THIS!"

----------------------------
Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Being Authentic Ain't Easy

"Being Authentic and In The Moment isn't for the faint of heart!"

~ Carmen 

It takes some cojones to be true to yourSelf (written how my mentor/friend would write it).

I mean really, how often do you encounter people around you expecting you to change for their benefit? For their comfort? For their image and idea of who they believe YOU to be? Or want you to be?

Especially, when you're a woman.

You need to be thin. You need to be pretty. You need to be smart - but not too smart. You need speak up, but don't get bossy. You strive to be equal, but never really are seen that way.

Finding your self-worth, your self-value and embracing it, owning it, living it goes against everything and everyone that surrounds you most of the time. No wonder people call me a force of nature - a hurricane - because I must to be to be seen and heard.

Women have, for the most part, grown to be cautious of how they present themselves to outside forces not realizing they are a force themselves. It's within them.

I've been learning a lot from my friend and mentor through her SHINE Challenge. And, wow, has she tapped something within me and lit it on fire! Teaching me ways to find my unique brilliance and talents and presenting them to the world unapologetically.  I'm learning ways to communicate with more authenticity and not afraid to do so.

She's brilliant! Trust me you should take a look at her work!

In being authentic and unapologetic, I have surrounded myself with other strong women in the last couple of months. Other forces of nature that are helping me to continue to realize my potential and that of my daughter. Because of them, I know we are not alone in being true to ourselves, for they are great examples of being their true-selves too. Brave, creative, fiery, feisty, brilliant women making their mark in the St. Louis theatre scene with gusto. Women of color. Women of integrity. Women of vision. Women I am proud to now call my friends.

They inspire me. They challenge me. They allow me to be my true self around them.

Most importantly, they inspire and challenge my daughter to be her true self as well. That is a gift beyond measure.

One woman, in particular, knew she needed to bring a story to life - a story of diversity, of family and home. She had the audacity, the tenacity, the authenticity to bring this story to life in St. Louis. And, while the story centered around a young brown man in a barrio in New York, it was an old brown woman that was at the heart of their community. An old woman where, although life dictated her path in difficult times, never shied away from who she truly was: loving, nurturing, kind, compassionate. A caretaker. A grandmother. An Abuela. Authentic.

Another is bringing a story to St. Louis of a young Mexican-American girl who finds her bravery, determination, and strength behind a mask as she embraces and learns about her family's heritage - thus discovering her own authenticity.

But no matter which strong woman - my mentor/friend, my new friends, Abuela Claudia, a young Mexican-American girl, my daughter or me - we are each always continuing to break barriers to be authentic and strong. It isn't easy work. But we carry on because we must.

Because we are driven.

We are real.

We are women of substance.

We are a force of nature.

We are authentic.

We are women.

And it isn't for the faint of heart.


---------------------------------

Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

I will not be eclipsed

"He cannot eclipse me, for he is not man or match for my brilliance."

~ Carmen

You'll have to bear with me... I'm still hurting from being told I was too much for one person. The person who told me he loved me.

We all go through breakups. We have all felt pain. I guess I had put my heart on hold for so long that when I allowed it to open and feel someone else's love, I breathed it in too deeply.

One reason he said we could not continue was my family. I told him it wasn't the reason, and he couldn't argue. I knew it was not the reason, but it still stung.

I sat today, silent, wondering... am I too much? Am I a hurricane? Will there be anyone who can handle who I am, what I have, who surrounds me, what I do?  How do I expand when I'm being told I already am too much?

He said he didn't want to say anything because he thought I would be too ashamed and embarrassed with his leaving me. And, I knew that was a lie too. I know that he was projecting his feelings of shame and embarrassment on to me, rather than want to feel the full force of what he was doing on himself. And, I venture to say there was guilt on his part in there too. A ton of guilt on many levels.

Then I thought - how dare you?

You called me a hurricane, and perhaps there is a lot of activities and family and friends surrounding me, but it doesn't stop me from living and loving and supporting and being there for another. I'm sure it looks like that when you are sitting in your living room...but what you don't know is that I am much more than that!

I am a mother.
I am a daughter.
I'm an adult - we have responsibilities.

I am a performer.
I am vibrant.
I am vivacious.
I am brilliant.

And, I can be a lover. A partner.

All these things are not mutually exclusive of each other.

What I've discovered as well, is that I am a Goddess!

I have a huge capacity for love and loyalty when given the opportunity. A true opportunity. A real opportunity. I live life to the fullest I can, and while someone may look in and believe that it looks like a hurricane, I'm not stopping because someone thinks I'm too much. I'm living. I'm alive.

And, I deserve a true man. One who's heart is truly available. Not a facade of a man who wants to be someone different, somewhere different, so as not to feel what he truly needs to feel. The man I love(d) has a level of pain to move through that no other person can help him navigate. He has a depth of pain that he has to find how to pull out of and through on his own.

I was a band-aid over his pain. I don't want to cover someone's wounds. I am more brilliant than that. I only shone more of a light on his loss and he was unable to withstand the heat and magnification. Unfortunately, I know he will continue to look for band-aids rather than face his fears and pains of his own loss. In fact, I am sure he already has.

However, in the midst of my anger, something incredible transpired.

While I sat silently reviewing what had happened, regaining my composure and reviving my brilliance, I received two texts from two different men. Men I have known for a little while and who I stepped away from because of entering into a more serious relationship.

Did I do that?

Did I send out some weird Bat-Signal calling these men back in my life?

It's too soon for me to take them up on their invitation, but wowza! I have their attention again. They came to me!

I am a goddess! I do SHINE!

I knew that I was successful, am successful in manifesting many things through intentions to complete goals and find love. And, I'm ready to do so again.

Interesting how I chose the crop circle of The Goddess for my next tattoo. Just this afternoon. This Afternoon!

So, thank you! Yes, you broke my heart. Yes, you made me question my being, if ever so briefly. But you also reminded me of the goddess that I am!

My intention is much clearer now than before!

Thank you for showing me that I need an intelligent man that is mentally, physically, emotionally available to love me, with a large capacity of patience, faith, and love. A man who is ready to go through all this with me as we support each other through life. And one who enjoys the winds and whirlwind of a full life and live to tell of its adventures.

It's not either of the nice men that reached out to me today. I know that. But, it's nice to know that I can call upon something deeper inside me to shine and be seen and heard.

I DO shine. I AM brilliant. I AM alive. And, I WILL love and BE loved again.

I WILL NOT be eclipsed.

---------------------------------------
In The Heights runs August 18 - September 3 at the .Zack on Locust in the Grand Center Theatre District. Tickets can be purchased here.

Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Turning the page...

"How do you say goodbye and thank you to amazing experiences? To people, places and times? To moments so overwhelming you can barely breathe sometimes?"

~ Carmen

The major part of the months of July and August were an amazing whirlwind of emotions and triumphs. Of love and loss. Of joy and of pain. Of new beginnings and happy/bittersweet endings.

• My daughter began a new year at a new school making new friends.

• I was privileged to be asked to join R-S Theatrics that is helmed by an amazing woman of character and vision.

• I'm playing the role of a lifetime (Abuela Claudia in In The Heights) in such a way that people are moved and the production and I have been blessed by receiving amazing reviews.

• I am working with talented and giving individuals.

• Made friends.

• Fell in love and lost love. 

All within less than a 45-day time span. A few hectic weeks.

Weeks that were so packed with such powerful feelings that they would have been better spread throughout a year's time. But, hey - why do things the easy way!?

The range of emotions isn't lost on me. I'm feeling the impact with such force that it's hard for me to breathe sometimes.

What's interesting, however, is I have come to realize that the power really is in my hands. My incredible friend and mentor has taught me to Shine! To come into my own. To find my uniqueness and not let it be tarnished by others! That alone is a powerful feeling. And one I have come to expect of myself and to not back down.

So, I set my intentions, my goals if you will, to have these items come to fruition. And they did - with such overwhelming intensity, it has been difficult to comprehend!

My daughter's happiness is my own. Of course, we would make a move to ensure her happiness. And she is now happy. The happiest I have seen in a long while.

One of my main goals was to return to professional acting - and boy did I do that with gusto! In a marvelous company that sees a bigger picture than ourselves. In fact, the reviews for this production, and having been singled out at times within them, were overwhelming. I'm blessed. Truly.

And, I met a wonderful man.

I set my intention for him and he presented himself so quickly. Looking back I guess I should have made a few of those intentions clearer. More succinct. More direct.

He told me once that I was a hurricane. I'm not sure I like the metaphor with everything happening in Texas right now; however, I understand why he called me that.  I have so much swirled around me that the first part of the last bullet point was difficult to maintain. Don't get me wrong - he has some very heavy issues too. But my hurricane status made our meeting that much more powerful. For this man was not ready for the hurricane. He's not really ready for any type of storm - or even a cloudy day right now - for he is going through difficult gray skies of his own...but that's his story to tell.

I'm heartbroken for what could have been, but happy for what was. He gave me a wonderful month of love and acceptance. One month of warmth and a form of praise and attention, I hadn't had in a very, very long time. A rock in a stormy system that was the last few weeks of my life.

A month that felt like a lifetime. Incredible what strong feelings aroused in that short amount of time. I will miss him terribly. And hope he finds his way back to me. But, that may be wishful thinking.

I find solace in the words of my friend and mentor, "If not this, something better." It's hard to imagine "something better" than his love and affection right now. But, endings of one thing are always a new beginning for another. (Someone, please keep reminding me of this...)

I have one more weekend of performances with this wonderful troupe. One more weekend of performances to embody this wonderful character. And, the start of a weekend to move on without a partner. And, that's ok...

Because my heart is filled with so much gratitude for what was and has been an incredible chapter in my life. He helped me find love again. Something I hadn't had in a very long time. And, I know I am capable of love and worthy of love and will love and be loved again.

And, after this weekend, I will start concentrating on me once more. The person me. The healthy me. The woman me. Me.

Time to turn the page.

---------------------------------------
In The Heights runs August 18 - September 3 at the .Zack on Locust in the Grand Center Theatre District. Tickets can be purchased here.

Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Theatre Diversity Confluence

"Some people commit their lives to this, and all they want to do is give you something special."

~ Chris Colgin, Riverfront Times

What a wonderful time in St. Louis theatre at the moment. What amazing talent resides in my hometown!

There was an article written by Chris Colgin in the Riverfront Times a while back, Hey, St. Louis: You're Missing Some Really Good Theatre. It spoke about the abundance of theatre in our town yet finding empty seats at performances.

And, I agreed when I read the article. Companies work so hard at putting their all, their best, their

heart into a production, yet only sell half the house of seats.  There are many things that take up our collective time: sports, family, life, laundry.  But, what is presented on stage is sometimes bigger than that. Yes, it mimics our lives, places a magnifying glass on moments, and sometimes gets too close to home. Our relationships. Our communities. Our history.

There are so many things circling around us right now in the country. So many "not-so-great" things. Things and people attacking the strength of our diversity. Not recognizing how, without diversity, we would not have a country. And, not realizing how we have treated others "not like us" has harmed us in so many hurtful, hateful ways.

I feel there is a confluence in St. Louis theatre right now. Two shows playing this weekend have shown on stage what it means to be a person of color or an immigrant. These shows have reflected how we have treated one another and how that treatment has magnified our lives in history. These shows have shown what it means when we search for home and acceptance.

A confluence of time. A confluence of history. A confluence of theatre.

"Ragtime" at Stray Dog Theatre has sold out every performance on their schedule! EVERY. PERFORMANCE.

It tells the story of three groups of people in 1920's America: an African-American musician, white upper-class suburbanite family, and Jewish immigrants. Each one finding their truth. Each one's lives colliding. And, each life affected by the acceptance or non-acceptance of the other.

Powerful and beautiful and heart-wrenching and truthful. And, still a reflection of our time now. How hatred for another due to the color of their skin and the struggle due to their background is palpable and difficult to watch. Painful. Powerful. Yet, beautifully portrayed by those on stage.

"In The Heights" with R-S Theatrics - of which I am an honored cast member - tells the story of LatinX immigrants. Their struggle for acceptance and the need to find a place in the world. Their story of family and of home. How our lives mesh with people of other ethnicities and colors. Their struggle to find a place for heritage to be included in their current existence.

And, I'm happy to say, this show is also selling out dates quickly. As of this writing, we have sold out most of the 9 shows and are trying to add a new date.

We have a story to tell that's relevant and timely.

So, is this due to the theatre community's strength in St. Louis? Or is it a reflection of our time in history now? What's happening around us.

I always say that theatre is a voice for the voiceless.  Our director says "if we can touch one person with our story, that one person can make a difference in someone else's life." The ripple effect sounds beautiful.

Yes, there seems to be a confluence in theatre right now as we provide a glimpse at our lives on stage. Stories of how we are and have been Americans together. Living together. Struggling together. Existing together. Hating each other. Killing each other. Calling each other names. Protesting our perceived importance or lack thereof in some cases. But finding solace together. Strength together. Future together. Even when it seems impossible. The different colors on stage are proof we can work toward a common goal of beauty.

No matter the reason, the result is the same for us in theatre. Each of the performers - all performers - want to bring truth to our characters, to the story.

Come experience truth. Talk to each other. Love each other. Find our common ground and common ancestry. Our common home.

============

In The Heights runs August 18 - September 3 at the .Zack on Locust in the Grand Center Theatre District. Tickets can be purchased here.

Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Strong Latinx Women and the story of Home and Heritage

"As you begin to realize that every different type of music, everybody's individual music, has its own rhythm, life, language, and heritage, you realize how life changes, and you learn how to be more open and adaptive to what is around us."

Yo-Yo Ma

If you know me, you know I adore my kid! She's talented, bright, kind and way more mature than other kids her age. And, you'll also know that she carries the same gene I do... Theater!

We both adore performance. Music. Theatre. Singing. Give us a microphone! We'll find the spotlight. It's become our happy place.

It makes me so proud to know she loves it as much as I do. And, prouder to see how much she has grown into her craft. She is way better than I have ever been - and all at the young age of 16.

Gosh, I love my kid.

I have also been diligent at sharing our Mexican heritage with her. Make sure she knows where her grandparents came from. Make sure she is proud of her culture, the music, the food. But most importantly, her brown skin, her dark eyes, her curly hair.

Now image how proud and ecstatic I am for combining the two elements: Heritage and Theatre!

I mentioned that she was in a production of In The Heights with GCPA earlier this year. She played Nina and killed it!

I am privileged to now be in R-S Theatrics production of In The Heights (we open in a week) as Abuela Claudia. The best of all? She's working as an intern with the company and we will be sharing the stage as she has a cameo in the production!

She came up to me during one of the rehearsals, hugged me and said, "I'm so happy we are doing this together. I'm glad we are sharing a stage together in this show."

Yes. I shed a tear when she walked away. My heart was full.

I love sharing this experience with my daughter. I love that she gets to participate with a cast this diverse as we get to see brown and black and white faces come together so effortlessly. As though we all have been family for so long already.

But what's amazing...There are four sets of Latinx mother/daughter pairs in this production. FOUR!

1. Me, playing Abuela Claudia, and my lovely Isa, intern and cameo performer. 
2. Maritza Motto-Gonzalez, our Camila, and her amazingly talented daughter, Natasha Toro, as Vanessa. 
3. Cecily King, our genius choreographer and her wonderfully vivacious 5-year old daughter, who will also share the stage in a cameo. And, 
4. Our fearless, creative and talented director, Christina Rios, and her equally talented daughter, Sofia, both working behind the scenes.

Four Latina moms working along side our four Latina daughters.

Four moms sharing our heritage, our talents, our passion, our love with our younger selves.

And, I say "younger selves" because they are - a true manifestation of us at a younger age. Perhaps a better "us" - as in the case with me and my daughter - but each one of these fine young women/girls is a younger version of each of us women. A reflection of who we were perhaps. Of the promise of our future. A promise of our heritage alive in our time.

Each of us understanding how important this time, this musical, this production is for us, our families and our community.

Our daughters.

This musical is about family, home, heritage...the importance of sharing this with our younger selves is not lost on us.

And, at the end of the day, at the end of the show, at the end of the run, how proud we will be to have shared this experience with our children.

Come enjoy this experience with us. Bring your children and watch as generations of strong Latina women share the stage in this story of home.

============

In The Heights runs August 18 - September 3 at the .Zack on Locust in the Grand Center Theatre District. Tickets can be purchased here.

Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

If Not Us, Who?

"If Not Us, Who?"

~ Maritza Motta-Gonzalez 

What a thrill and honor - being in this production! We are in the final rehearsals for In The Heights with R-S Theatrics! We open to previews on August 17. That's a week from today!

Words can't express what a wonderful experience this has been.

First of all this cast is WICKED TALENTED!

Every. Single. Person.  I get chills listening to them sing and watching them perform... and this is only in rehearsal!

Secondly, and this may be the most important part, the director and majority of the cast are Latinx or people of color! The diversity is wonderful. And, I can't express how extremely proud I am to be included in this production, with this company, with this Latina director, with this diverse cast.

Ok, so a quick synopsis of the story: In The Heights, written by Lin Manuel-Miranda (you know... the guy that wrote Hamilton), explores three days in the characters' lives in a New York City Latino neighborhood of Washington Heights. Their dreams, goals, disappointments, love, loss, lives - all scored to salsa, merengue and hip-hop music - is on stage for everyone to see. It explores what we consider and call "home." Where is home? How do you know you are home?

It's beautiful, it's torment, it's painful, it's lovely, it's life.

What's cool is my daughter played the lead role in the youth theatre group, GCPA's, production of In The Heights. She was one of a couple of Latinx kids on stage. When auditions were announced for R-S Theatric's production, my daughter said, "Mom, you HAVE TO audition!" She didn't really give me a choice in the matter.

She continued, "how many Latinos do you think are going to audition? You have to be in that mix."

She had a point. (Sometimes it irks me that my 16 year-old is smarter than I am!)

I believe that the cast members feel the same way. Especially our brown and black cast members. Especially in our times. It's important to show our diversity. Important to show our culture. Share our music. Share our talents. Share our lives.

It's important for me to show my daughter how proud I am of having a heritage I can share. Proud of our dark skin. Dark hair. Of being who we are - Mexican-American.

When speaking about the cast and the audition process, our "Camila," Maritza Motto-Gonzalez said, "if not us, who?"  I have been away from theatre for a while now (over 20 years to be precise), so I didn't know how diverse the theatre community really was in St. Louis. Come to find out - it's not very. Martiza's words, my daughter's words were both said with determination and truth.

I was fortunate to have been interviewed by Nancy Fowler for St. Louis Public Radio regarding the show and was asked how our diversity was shown on stage. Did it mesh with what we saw in St. Louis? You'll have to come see the show (I really do hope I see a lot of my friends in the audience) but I believe you can see a microcosm of diversity as you do, say on Cherokee Street. In St. Ann. In Maryland Heights. In all those places where brown, black and white faces live in harmony. It's not perfect harmony sometimes, but we strive to be harmonious.

It certainly is on stage... harmonious, I mean. The sounds coming out of these people is astounding! The family that is being created on and off the stage. The feeling of home we are experiencing each time we enter our rehearsal space and when we gather outside of rehearsals.

The icing on the cake? This is a professional company. I can call myself a professional actress again... and it feels so wonderful.

This entire process feels so wonderful. This cast feels wonderful. This show feels wonderful.

Come feel wonderful with us.

============

In The Heights runs August 18 - September 3 at the .Zack on Locust in the Grand Center Theatre District. Tickets can be purchased here.

Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Shiny...Shinier...SHINE

"Interesting what happens when you begin to SHINE."

~ Carmen 

I've mentioned to you about recent goals and having achieved a good number of them.

Many of them were around my health and activities. Although I still haven't gotten on a bike. But I'm working on that!

• Losing weight
• Exercising
• Eating for health
• Participating in a 5K per month

A series of goals were around performing - wonderful goals that I have achieved so far.

• Audition
• Return to the Stage
• Perform with a professional company again

Pretty cool stuff! And, that's only the start. I have scheduled more auditions and will see where those lead me.

But there are other goals that I have met that seemed a little more farfetched. Goals I didn't realize were important to me.

• Start dating
• Meet a man

And, boy did I date... online no less. Many of you enjoyed reading about my travails. All those stories of who/what I met online. I have to admit they were interesting. And, exhausting. And, frustrating. Annoying. Creepy.

I left the online dating scene for a while.  It really was just too much. I had to step away and take a break.

But, then something interesting happened. I spoke with my dear friend and coach and we delved more in to her SHINE program. I remembered how scared I was when I first started speaking about showing up rather than hiding.

You see, SHINE is an interesting principle where you take your strengths and shadows and meld them to find your unique brilliance.  Finding that inner uniqueness and using it to find what makes you tic. What makes you YOU! Shift how you see and believe in yourself. Find your courage and confidence to turn up the real you. And, to voice what it is you want in this world.

So, I showed up! I rewrote my profile and used intention this time. No marketing or selling of me, per se. But truly asking for what I was seeking. What I was looking for in a partner.

And guess what?

The very minute I pressed send on my new profile I found a match. It was almost scary. Surreal. This new man and I began chatting. We met for coffee. We went out to dinner. And, we've been seeing each other for a while now.

Without telling each other we removed our online profiles.

It just feels right.

My family and friends like him. More importantly, my daughter seems to like him.

And, I'm happy.

It's amazing what goals, intentions and SHINE can do! It's amazing what being in the moment, authentic, honest and vocal can do!

And, I'm not done!

Of course, now I have to make up my new set of goals! I've pretty much completed the last set.

It's an exciting time.

What shall I come up with next?

================
Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Loss and Remembrance ... All Is Well

"All is Well..."

Tish Garcia Regan1966 - 2016

It has been a year, June 16, when we lost my sister to cancer.

One year without her. Without her laughter. Without her baked treats. Without her goofy movie quotes. Without her planning family celebrations. Without her loving spirit.

My baby sister planned a trip to come into town - not only to remember my sister but to also celebrate my young niece's 4th birthday. Yay for happy celebrations!

So a family dinner and then a larger family gathering on the anniversary weekend of her passing was planned.

My daughter and I conveniently decided to be away from everything. We agreed to be in performances that weekend. I know that my siblings and parents thought we were crazy. But, my sister's death was torture to my daughter. Being in her "happy place" knowing how much my sister loved watching her perform and had been her biggest cheerleader - well, it made sense to us.

As our group texts continued and we planned what and where we would do/serve/be for the weekend, I kept quiet. I would add a word or two about what food I could bring or what I could share. But I was quiet for the most part.

I didn't avoid the thoughts of my sister. I didn't avoid talking about her. My daughter and I just kept on with our days. I swear I feel as though Tish is still on vacation. Like I'll be sitting out back and see her walking through the common ground to our house.

I'm not trying to kid myself. I know she's gone. I guess I'm not really ready to give up her presence. Perhaps because if I stopped to think about her really being gone it would hit me harder. I want to continue to feel her around me, with me.

So a few nights before my baby sister was to come into town, after the plans were made of what we were going to do, and after I told everyone that my kiddo and I weren't going to be there, Tish came to me in a dream.

Now, I don't ever - and I mean EVER - remember my dreams. I know I do dream. I wake up and realize that I had dreamt. But, I can never remember what those dreams are. Maybe, if I'm lucky, I'll remember a person or a place. But, never the dream itself.

We were in the kitchen. Not sure who's. I was standing in front of my sister.  The "sick" version of Tish... buzzed salt and pepper hair after chemo, wearing that damned large denim button down shirt she always wore as a jacket, the tattered comfy tshirt she loved, and the same large sweatpants that had seen better days. She was talking to me. We were looking at each other. Eye to eye. It felt so real. I reached out to touch her. We may have hugged. I'm not sure because just at the time that I saw her I heard a voice calling me.

I turned around and there was my "healthy" Tish! Her beautiful long shiny black hair. Wearing her best outfit and lovely makeup. Her twinkling eyes met mine with such care and love. And there was her smile. Wide. Welcoming. Warm.

She was going to say something to me but I woke up! Damnit! I woke up!

I wanted to touch her. Hug her. Talk to her again.

I tried to fall back to sleep. She can't leave yet!

I wanted to remind her how much I loved her. Missed her.

But she didn't come back.

As I think back on that dream - and I have often - I feel as though she was telling me that she's ok.

To remember her as her healthiest, happiest version. To remember the force that was Tish.

That IS Tish.

I'm not sure if I have shared this before, but Tish died in my arms. I'm the one who told her it was ok to let go. I told her to go see our ancestors. We knew the time was near. Each of us went in to say our goodbyes. But she passed with me. In my arms.

I'd like to think she returned to tell me that she's OK now. To stop feeling guilty... because some days I do. But, I knew there was no fight left in her. She was suffering, in pain - so much pain.

I knew her time was close. I held her hand, whispered in her ear and gave her permission to leave this world. I also made promises at that moment that I haven't kept. However, I also know she realizes why I can't keep them for as much as I wanted to. Perhaps that where the guilt lies.

I love you so much, my little sister.

I miss you so much, my little sister.

I hope you come back and see me again, Tish. All is well...

==================
Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

SHINE vs Failure

"The only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve; the fear of failure." 

~ Paulo Coelho

So, I'm going to let you in on a little secret...

I've stumbled. I've fallen. One year out and I'm having a hard time adjusting to my new found success.

Interesting how, just when you're doing so well, when you are making strides, when you feel like a million bucks, when you are actually manifesting what you had hoped to receive, life stops you dead in your tracks and makes you question everything.

Fear of success is a horrible thing.

Back in February I wrote about attending The Joy of Goals. I wrote flowery words about how wonderful it is to complete goals. I had crossed off so many of my goals. Life changing goals. Earth shattering goals. Big. Amazing. Goals.

It felt wonderful and fulfilling.

And messy.
And scary.
And suddenly stifling.

I told you about how I had also recognized my complacency... or what I thought was simply complacency and contentment.  I had wavered and stumbled. I stopped what I know was a key to success...jotting down what I eat, working out everyday, cutting out carbs. When I realized where I was with my new life, I started up again. Being conscience of what I was/or wasn't doing.

Until I didn't.

Why? What was going on in my head to cause me to stop eating right? Stop moving my body? Stop making strides toward my success, attention, happiness.

Success? Attention? Happiness? Do I deserve these wonderful feelings?

I talked this through with my dear friend and coach as I move through her leadership training called SHINE. I didn't even want to mention it to her at first, but so glad I finally fessed up. She asked me why I was afraid of success. Why am I afraid of attention? Of happiness?

She and I talked it through. I began to see what I was doing. And I cried.

I was fine being hidden. Didn't have to work at it. I just was. Hiding behind my weight. Hiding behind my daughter. I'm not saying I was happy, but I was hidden. See, even though my personality seems big and loud, I am not a big and loud person. Most people don't believe me when I say I'm actually an introvert. Hey, I'm an actress - I can play big when I have to.

Wait! That's right. I am an actress! When I stepped on stage again it was refreshing, renewing, rejuvenating. I LOVED it! I realized that's where I wanted to spend more time. My confidence grew. It was amazing.

My daughter and I went out soon after my performance and I was suddenly recognized by strangers for my role in the musical. It happened in many other settings too. It was just one performance, but threw me in a new line of sight. I'm doing more performing and gaining more attention. And, it's freaking scary! I didn't do much to attract this attention. It was just one musical. It was just one performance. What the heck was going on? What if I bomb the next show I'm in?!

And, I'm suddenly eating more. Craving more... food. Trying to hide again. Sabotaging my success.

I did attend my second Joy of Goals workshop a couple of months ago, but was unable to stay for the whole event. I didn't write down my goals and I never opened the book again after that day. BIG mistake.

I have to remember how horrible I felt being so big. I have to remember how horrible I felt being hidden away - it's much worse than being seen, even if being seen is scarier.

Because when I'm seen... What if I make a mistake. What if people don't like me anymore being my true self? What will happen if I shine and overshadow and move past this bump and truly succeed? Then what? I don't know who I am past where I am now. Not having succeeded, truly succeeded, in the past.

I love my dear friend/coach. But I'm also angry that so much emotion just came out this afternoon. I cried. I cried for what I have lost and for what I have gained. I cried that this is so tumultuous. I cried when I realized that I have always been scared of success and it has stopped me from doing so much more with my life.

And, I cried because I know what I now need to do. And how much work needs to be done. And, how much I realized that I deserve to succeed - in whatever form that is going to take.

She reminded me that we find evidence of what we believe. So I have to shift how I see and believe myself. My powerful, shining, talented self. I don't have to give up something to be successful. I have everything to gain!

Thank you my dear friend. Thank you for keeping me accountable to my truest self. Thank you for creating a safe space for me to find who I am and where I am going. Thank you for helping me find the infinite.

It is time to SHINE!

==================
Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Not Another Motorcycle! :: Or Online Dating...Sheesh The Finale

"If I have to see another motorcycle picture on a dating profile, I'm going to scream!"

~ Carmen

This online dating thing hasn't been going so well lately. It's nice out now and more and more people want to get out in the nice weather. And, so it seems, do single older men. With other single men... and their prize of a woman sitting behind them on their motorcycle. 

I have noticed that more and more profile photos are actually of a man's toys: motorcycles, muscle cars, their latest catch, their latest kill (what did that animal ever do to you?), their pets, or their boats. Sometimes the man's face is actually in the photo too. Most of the time not. Because, you know, I want to date a golden retriever on a boat with a dead animal in its mouth!

I understand midlife crisis'.  Truly I do. I've gone through my own - and believe I'm still going through it. However, midlife for me is more of a recognition of being who I am. Not replacing who I am with items. Or trying to replace my image with things that are believed to be desirable.  I'm not interested in your log cabin on 100 acres... that's just a little creepy really if that's where you want to take me!

There are also the men that have hit the gym... hard! And, the are very proud of their accomplishments, as they should be. But, enough with the sweaty, naked chest photos of you lifting heavy weights. Or doing the bodybuilding poses in your bathroom mirror. Or having a friend take photos of you doing pull-ups at the gym. I get it. You're strong and proud of your body. I'm happy for you. Really I am. I just feel you're trying too hard. And, not all women are in it for the body!

Just be yourself. Show me your kind eyes. Your warm smile. Sure, show me your motorcycle if you're on it and having fun. I'd love to see your pet - if you're sitting with it. Your kayak looks wonderful on the river while you were on a float trip.

I wonder what my photos are saying to prospective suitors. Me in the snow in Colorado. One hiking. Smiling. Being funny.

I think my time online dating is coming to a close. I want someone cerebral and loving. Soft and strong. I've met a couple, but they are few and far between. Not sure that is what I'm going to find online.

But that's ok. I've had fun meeting new people. Stretching my boundaries. Taking a leap of faith. And, that's good.

Just, if I have to see one more motorcycle.... oye!

==================
Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Sampling Products :: Online Dating Version

"Is UGH an emotion? Because I seem to be feeling it all the time online now."

~ Carmen

Don't you love going to Costco or Sam's on a Saturday afternoon? You can enjoy the samples they offer at every corner of the store. In fact, you can pretty much have lunch on the samples there! It's sweet!

You normally will tell the person working the sample table that you're interested in a purchase. Ask where the product is in the store. Grab a coupon. Take steps to show you are really interested... I mean, super duper interested in that particular product. And, grab another sample. Because that's what you really want - the sample! Sample everything! I mean, it's free after all!

You're not really going to purchase the product. I mean, why would you buy a giant box of frozen chickpeas that you'll never really eat, even if the samples are tasty. At that moment in time.

That's what it feels like when you're dating those you find online. A sample product.

You talk yourself online. Men stop by and check out the offer. Decide it looks and sounds pretty good. Let's see, are we ready for a sample?

Great... let's meet!

The bad thing with online dating is that men are only in it for the sample. The never ending supply of samples online. Men are just going from one corner to the other sampling products like crazy.

For women, let me tell you, the pressure to "being a sample" right off the bat is tremendous! And, if you don't within the first couple of dates, the guy moves on.

It's like sampling the products at Costco or Sam's. Men keep checking out the samples, but the product never makes it to their cart!

I'm tired of being seen as a sample. I'm not saying they need to make the purchase outright, but at least give me a try for a while longer than one or two dates!

Ugh!

Just Ugh!


==================
Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Complacency and Contentment

"Why hide your talent in the closet of complacency when you have greatness within you?"

~Robin Sharma

I've been very good about keeping track of my food intake - protein, carbohydrates, and fat.  I've been good about drinking enough water and taking my vitamins. I've been good about working out every day. I've been good about weighing myself once a week.

Until I wasn't.

I realized the other day that I am not logging in my food as religiously as I had been. I didn't meet my water quota. I skipped a couple of my vitamins. And, I ate carbs... bread... which I hadn't in a long, long time.  And, it wasn't the first time.

I grew content.

And with contentment came complacency.

Complacency kills progress.

In my case, it could send me back to a life of being unhealthy and large.  Not somewhere I want to be. And a place I've been running away from.

I've been at this for a year now. I guess everything can get a little tiresome after a year. But, I can't relax. I can't be complacent. I can't sit back in contentment.

I have to keep working.

Seeking to be better. Be healthier. Continue to do things that were outside my norm for so long.

I'm so close to my target... I can taste it (every pun in the book intended)!

So, right here, right now, I am telling all of whoever reads this, I'm back on track.

Going to log my food, cut out carbs, drink my water, take my vitamins and work out every day!

Every freaking day!

And weigh myself in the morning. Even if the thought of seeing what the scale says scares the crap out of me.

I had a nice little break. But, now its back to work!

I know I have greatness within me! And success doesn't come from what you do occasionally.

Just have to remind myself every now and again!

==================
Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.