I May Just Float Away

"Nothing's Gonna Stop Me From Floating"

-Tori Amos

Clear Liquid Diet. Those words alone should have me running for the hills. That is, if I actually could run. 

Just to put things in perspective - a clear liquid diet consists of sugar free jello, sugar free popsicles, and clear broth. My saving grace are protein shakes. Oh, and a ton of water - protein water, plain water, sugar free flavored water. Just get down the water. 

I'm not kidding when I say I feel like I'm floating away. It's been three days and I have pretty much had my fill of liquids. 

But what I find interesting is that I'm actually doing it. Crazy what you can set your mind to do when you hit rock bottom and sinking fast. And, I do believe I have finally hit rock bottom regarding my weight. 

My knees hurt carrying all this weight. I physically can't move much without having to stop and sit. I run out of breath going up or down a flight of stairs. I really can't do much with this weight holding me down. And, I truly miss moving around more freely. 

I feel trapped. 

It's been suggested I work out in a pool. Super. I LOVE swimming. I'm a Pisces, so me and water, we're tight.  A couple of problems though: I hate that I can't get in to my sister's pool - not because I can't get in, but because I can't carry my heavy ass out of the pool at the end of the day. And, I hate that I don't feel comfortable going to the pool at our community center having to walk all the way across the pool deck from the locker room to get to the workout area of the pool.  (If you hate being in a swimsuit as much as I do, then you totally get this part.)

If could get in - or out - being in water does feel freeing. You feel light while in the water. Water releases you. You're joints don't hurt while walking in water. Yet, at my size, I can't seem to find my way back in to the water I enjoy.

So I find it fascinating - and not the least bit ironic - that I am now feeling like I'm floating away with all the water I am consuming.

How appropriate to float in to this next chapter of my life. 

Liquids may be tedious for now, but what joy to be in water later. Lighter. 

Weightless. 

Freer. 

Floating. 

Because in the end, will I decide to sink? Or Float?

For now, I will just float away.