Emotional

"I Was Blessed with the Best Siblings I Never Knew I Needed."

-Carmen



Gosh my siblings drive me nuts!

Anyone with siblings knows... they can be a handful sometimes. Especially when you're the oldest of the bunch.

But I cherish them more than they could ever know. And, being the oldest makes me want to protect and support them as much as I possibly can.

I remember helping them with their homework when we were younger. Any paper, report, resume, or important letter - I would get a call. Even now when my nieces and nephews need some help, who do you think my siblings have them call? Yep. Me.

I wouldn't have it any other way. I'd do anything for them.

That's what makes this so hard now. My sister Tish has cancer. And, not any ordinary cancer. She has Colangiocarcinoma - bile duct cancer.  We'd never heard of it either. Very rare.

I guess that's fitting. My sister isn't ordinary either. A rare breed of strength and love. Generous and happy. Always laughing. Always busy. Always doing for others. The life of the party, of our family of any group she is involved in.

I love my sister.

Watching her go through this fight and not being able to do anything to fix it is hard to do. I can't imagine being her husband. Feeling helpless sucks. Cancer sucks.

And, now I can't even eat my way out of feeling all this suckiness.

I keep Tish company during her treatments at Siteman and would sit there eating through all the snacks they have for the patients in weeks past. Cheetos, Sugar Cookies, Oreos, Fritos. You name it. It was great. The basket is always full. Tish and I will sit and chat, trying to ignore the pumps and tubes leading the chemo going in and out of her. I bring her lunch. We eat. I felt like I was helping while helping myself to food to keep my feelings down and in check.

No more snacks now. I am feeling it all full scale. No food to hide behind anymore.

And it hurts. Bad.

Went to Relay for Life last night. The luminary ceremony did me in.

I sat there realizing all the people I know and love having gone through this torture - my dad and sister-in-law that have beaten cancer's ass, my sister and good friend fighting the good fight, and my good friend and neighbor whose family members have gotten their angel wings in the last couple of years.

Cancer sucks.

I hate that my sister is going through this and I can't do a damned thing about it but walk around a damn track. And, really I can't even do that!

This event is a party of sorts with food everywhere and I can't do that either!

I had to leave. It was cold anyway. I was done.

I love my sister.