What Now?

"A great soul serves everyone all the time. A great soul never dies. It brings us together again and again."  

- Maya Angelo

We're coming up on my sister's funeral mass this Friday.  All the arrangements have been made. I've written the obituary. We've picked out the readings and Gospel. I've written her eulogy. I helped pick out some upbeat songs. We helped pick out my sister's urn. We'll be having a luncheon after mass with all our family and friends. 

And, I can't help but think... What's next? Where do we go from here?

Tish has been on our minds and hearts and the center of our attention for so long - doctor appointments, treatments, trials, scans, meds. Then finally comfort, quiet, peace.

I'm not sure where to go from here. I know her husband and sons feel the same. Although I know her husband is more at peace now.  Or is that just numbness?

He's been fighting this battle with her since September. Day and night. Night and Day. Every waking moment and within his dreams. How do you stop? 

People tell us that Tish is in a "much better place" - which seems so shitty really. I want her "better place" to be with us. Or they say, she's your angel now. Well, she was always an angel, so telling me she's our angel now doesn't really help. I know they mean well. I never knew what to say to those that survived a loss. She's at peace. She feels no pain. She's with all those that have gone before us. Just say the truth...you're going to miss her terribly. You're going to think of her everyday, but it will get better.

Yeah, but she's not here with us, is she? She's not here calling my daughter "cutie" or saying goofy movie quotes, or clapping her hands saying "Hercules, Hercules!" Or running to the store to buy something to make for dinner and inviting us over.

Tish was the one to bring everyone together. Pre-Thanksgiving dinners, Christmas cookies, birthday cakes, flag football. Or at the office with food days, ice cream runs, Christmas songs. That was her gift. Bringing everyone together. Making everyone feel comfortable. And, she's still giving. 

We are coming together nightly to say a rosary and eat and laugh and talk and ... well, just be together. 

Not thinking of organ donations because of the cancer, we were so wonderfully surprised that her eyes were able to help others see. Isn't that wonderful? She just keeps giving.

Her husband and I were driving back from meeting with the priest about the funeral mass yesterday. It's overcast and looked like rain, but in the distance we could see sun. As we drove he said the weather was how he was feeling. We have passed through the storm and were going in to the sun. 

I guess I'm just not there yet. 

Each day brings me closer. But I haven't gotten to see the sun. I'm ready to bask in that sun and keep going and living as Tish would do. 

Her spirit, her laughter, her love of life, her generosity, her smile. It's with us. Surrounds us. Wraps us in her light. Bring us together again and again.

Perhaps the sun is coming as we move forward day by day.  Step by step.

I love you Tishy. Keep us strong. Keep us smiling. TQMM

Here Comes the Sun

George Harrison