Selfish or Selfless

"You can love someone so much, but you can never love people so much as you can miss them."
- John Green

I love my sister.

It is so selfish of me to want her to stay with us - especially with all the pain she is experiencing.

It is so selfish to want to be with her 24/7 now when her boys are here, our parents and siblings are here, and her friends that hold Tish in their hearts and want to have time with her are here as well.

I have been spending the night with Tish since she was admitted in the hospital and now while she is at home. That's not selfless. That's love.

She is now in hospice. I'm reading through the information they provided and it's gut wrenching. Not that we don't know all the information already, not that we didn't already know the outcome, but that we know exactly what is happening, when it is happening, and why it is happening.

Sleep. What sleep?

Food. What food?

Right now the only thing on my mind and heart is my sister. Her final battle with Cholangiocarcinoma.

Her strength. The strongest always goes first to pave the way for the rest of us.

Her laughter. My daughter would always say - I heard Tishy in the audience - when she would perform because my sister dearly loves to laugh.

And, have fun.

And, bake.

And, spread love to everyone around her.

She's always been the life of the party. I just know when it's my turn she will be in heaven waiting with a smile on her face, a drink in her hand and probably baking some scrumptious pastry tempting me to eat carbs again.

I am going to miss my sister.

Her belly laugh. Her sparkling eyes. Her big smile. Her goofy wit.

She will leave an enormous space in my heart that will take time to fill.

But she will also leave her strength and huge capacity for love. That will fill my heart forever.

Her spirit will live on in each of us who she touched.

It will be the most difficult thing in the world, but I'll be ready when she's ready.

Until then, I will remain selfish and selfless taking care of my sister. Making sure her medication is on time. Sleeping by her side and holding her hand. Singing her songs as she sleeps.

My heart hurts. I miss her already.

Blackbird by The Beatles