SHINE vs Failure

"The only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve; the fear of failure." 

~ Paulo Coelho

So, I'm going to let you in on a little secret...

I've stumbled. I've fallen. One year out and I'm having a hard time adjusting to my new found success.

Interesting how, just when you're doing so well, when you are making strides, when you feel like a million bucks, when you are actually manifesting what you had hoped to receive, life stops you dead in your tracks and makes you question everything.

Fear of success is a horrible thing.

Back in February I wrote about attending The Joy of Goals. I wrote flowery words about how wonderful it is to complete goals. I had crossed off so many of my goals. Life changing goals. Earth shattering goals. Big. Amazing. Goals.

It felt wonderful and fulfilling.

And messy.
And scary.
And suddenly stifling.

I told you about how I had also recognized my complacency... or what I thought was simply complacency and contentment.  I had wavered and stumbled. I stopped what I know was a key to success...jotting down what I eat, working out everyday, cutting out carbs. When I realized where I was with my new life, I started up again. Being conscience of what I was/or wasn't doing.

Until I didn't.

Why? What was going on in my head to cause me to stop eating right? Stop moving my body? Stop making strides toward my success, attention, happiness.

Success? Attention? Happiness? Do I deserve these wonderful feelings?

I talked this through with my dear friend and coach as I move through her leadership training called SHINE. I didn't even want to mention it to her at first, but so glad I finally fessed up. She asked me why I was afraid of success. Why am I afraid of attention? Of happiness?

She and I talked it through. I began to see what I was doing. And I cried.

I was fine being hidden. Didn't have to work at it. I just was. Hiding behind my weight. Hiding behind my daughter. I'm not saying I was happy, but I was hidden. See, even though my personality seems big and loud, I am not a big and loud person. Most people don't believe me when I say I'm actually an introvert. Hey, I'm an actress - I can play big when I have to.

Wait! That's right. I am an actress! When I stepped on stage again it was refreshing, renewing, rejuvenating. I LOVED it! I realized that's where I wanted to spend more time. My confidence grew. It was amazing.

My daughter and I went out soon after my performance and I was suddenly recognized by strangers for my role in the musical. It happened in many other settings too. It was just one performance, but threw me in a new line of sight. I'm doing more performing and gaining more attention. And, it's freaking scary! I didn't do much to attract this attention. It was just one musical. It was just one performance. What the heck was going on? What if I bomb the next show I'm in?!

And, I'm suddenly eating more. Craving more... food. Trying to hide again. Sabotaging my success.

I did attend my second Joy of Goals workshop a couple of months ago, but was unable to stay for the whole event. I didn't write down my goals and I never opened the book again after that day. BIG mistake.

I have to remember how horrible I felt being so big. I have to remember how horrible I felt being hidden away - it's much worse than being seen, even if being seen is scarier.

Because when I'm seen... What if I make a mistake. What if people don't like me anymore being my true self? What will happen if I shine and overshadow and move past this bump and truly succeed? Then what? I don't know who I am past where I am now. Not having succeeded, truly succeeded, in the past.

I love my dear friend/coach. But I'm also angry that so much emotion just came out this afternoon. I cried. I cried for what I have lost and for what I have gained. I cried that this is so tumultuous. I cried when I realized that I have always been scared of success and it has stopped me from doing so much more with my life.

And, I cried because I know what I now need to do. And how much work needs to be done. And, how much I realized that I deserve to succeed - in whatever form that is going to take.

She reminded me that we find evidence of what we believe. So I have to shift how I see and believe myself. My powerful, shining, talented self. I don't have to give up something to be successful. I have everything to gain!

Thank you my dear friend. Thank you for keeping me accountable to my truest self. Thank you for creating a safe space for me to find who I am and where I am going. Thank you for helping me find the infinite.

It is time to SHINE!

==================
Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.