Comparisons

"There is no comparison.

- Jim Silver

I know better than to try to compare myself to others. Women are so "programmed" to compare ourselves to each other I have learned long ago to not do that.

Lately, I just can't help myself.

Especially right now. It's hard to figure out what I really look like. I still feel huge. Doesn't matter what shows up in the mirror. Or the changes I see when my buddy takes photos of my "afters" each month. But I still try to size up what I look like in comparison with others.

I see other women and think, "do my hips look that size?" "Does my booty look that large?" "Is my waist that big?"

I know...doesn't make sense. But even with the before and after photos I have no real concept of what I look like. Especially to others.

So, when I'm in a large crowd I look around.

My daughter is in a musical production that opened this past weekend. The theater hall has a wall of windows. At dark you can see reflections of those standing in the lobby.

I went to stand in line for the women's restroom and I did what I always seem to do - look around at everyone waiting for the show to commence.

I thought to myself - boy, I can't wait until I am that size or if I could look good in a dress like that. Then I saw someone in the reflection of the windows. I like how that outfits looks on her. I'd like to be there soon.

Wait a minute!

That's me!

Whaaaaat?

I was astonished. I didn't look half bad. I have a long way to go, don't get me wrong, but I'm happy with my progress so far!

It was interesting. After laughing at what had just happened, I took a nice sigh of relief. Almost like, OK, now I could believe it.

Even after the photos that do show changes. Even after having to get smaller clothes. Even seeing the changes on the scale, I don't know why I couldn't really allow myself to believe that I looked decent.

I keep telling myself that I have to find peace and happiness where I am. To find joy in the moment and how I look as I am transforming. I have been so large for so long that it's that size that I am most connected to. It is how people have seen me and therefore, how I saw myself.

Then...

A friend posted a memory on Facebook. Back to 2013 - just three years ago. I couldn't believe my eyes! The round person - round face, round belly - in that picture was me. The change was palpable.

I had to take a new photo to see the difference.

So, it seems, I now find myself in a new situation. I'm starting to compare myself to me.

My current self to the old self.

Weird and wonderful.

Just had to share...