Who I Want to Be

"You are not discovering yourself, but creating yourself anew. Seek, therefore, not to find out Who You Are, seek to determine Who You Want to Be."

~ Neal Donald Walsh

I was invited to an Authentic Leadership retreat this past weekend. I had so many other things to do, I really didn't want to drive out an hour away and spend the day thinking of my to-do list at home. 

But, I went. 

And, boy, was I was very happy I did. 

And, so grateful to Deborah LeeAnn for inviting me. I truly learn so much from her.  She helps me grow. So, of course, this time with her and other friends would be wonderful.

Perhaps my reluctance to go was actually a reluctance to know more about myself and where I need to go.  Deborah has been helping me create a new vision/version of myself as I continue on this path of transformation. Who I want to be. 

I've been recreating myself for a while now. It can be exhausting if you allow it to be. Or it can be renewing. I choose the latter. For in reality we never stop learning, growing, recreating, expanding. Why would this weekend be any different?

We did a good many things in the day I was there. We made smudge sticks. Meditated outdoors. Were treated to delicious, healthy meals prepared by our hostess. 

And, the location! Have mercy! What a beautiful house on a lovely lake! So serene.

We accomplished so much in less than 6 hours.

Among our activities, there were two powerful sessions in our day. 

The first, a heart circle. We spoke about our strengths. We wrote down words, feelings, adjectives, expressions of who we are and who we wanted to be. We envisioned our future and what we wanted to create. What was around us, surrounding us, with us. The colors, the people, the smells. What were we doing? Who were we with? And, if that is our end result - our vision - is that truly what we want? 

Then we asked the question: What will it take to get me there? What do we need to ask ourselves, our god, our universe, our time to make it happen? 

Everything suddenly seemed so real and possible. I know what I want and who I want around me. It was me in that future. Happy. Fulfilled. Surrounded by those dearest to me. Doing what I know I can do. Hearing it. Experiencing it. Envisioning it. Seeing it in my mind's eye and touching it, feeling it. 

It was so real. 

It made me weep. 

We wrote down our question - a question that will help us create ourselves - and took it outside. 

The second impactful session, for me, was a medicine walk - a means of connecting to nature, but also a means of connecting to your own sources of guidance and support during life transitions. We allowed ourselves the freedom to walk outdoors while considering our question of creating our new selves. We allowed the wind to wrap us and the water to move us. The sun warmed us and allowed for free expression to the heavens.

And an hour went by in the blink of an eye.

I received my answer. So clearly. It was magical and dreamlike, yet so very real.

My path became so very real.

I'm not quite ready to share my question and new future creation with you yet, but it probably won't surprise you when I do.

It's who I want to be. A newly developed thought leader as I create myself anew.

It may have taken me a long time to get to this place, but it feels amazing.

I have determined who I want to be.

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Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Fear and Gratitude and Badassery

"Gratitude is alchemy. It changes powerlessness, fear, and resentment into grace, determination, and unrelenting badassery."

~ Unknown

This past year and a half for me have been about "No Fear!"  Not so much about "bravery," but No Fear! 

No fear to change. No fear to exercise. No fear to health. No fear to love. No fear to audition. No fear to perform. 

No fear.

The other day, something interesting happened. I belong to Deborah LeeAnn's Leadership Academy (I can't recommend this program enough - you can check it out here!) and we had a group call where we completed our Character Strengths. This personality survey measures 24 character strengths that fall into six buckets - or Virtues, as they call them: Wisdom,  Courage, Humanity, Justice, Temperance, and Transcendence. And, each bucket is subdivided further to reveal traits such as bravery, creativity, appreciation for beauty, humor, perseverance, perspective, leadership.

So I took the survey and it was revealed that my #1 Character Strength is Gratitude...

If Gratitude is your top strength you are aware of the good things that happen to you, and you never take them for granted. Your friends and family members know that you are a grateful person because you always take the time to express thanks.

I thought - that's kinda lame.  I didn't need to take a survey to know that!

Guess I wasn't displaying gratitude well, was I?

Then I started digging a little deeper.  Gratitude is part of the "Transcendence" virtue according to VIA Institute on Character that hosts the survey.

Transcendence
Gratitude falls under the virtue category of Transcendence. Transcendence describes strengths that provide a broad sense of connection to something higher in meaning and purpose than ourselves.

Higher in meaning and purpose than ourselves... hmmm. A broad sense of connection.  Now that I liked. But it still seemed that I was missing the bigger picture. 


I do feel an overwhelming sense of Gratitude. 

Grateful for so many, many things in my life. For so many people in my life. Grateful for life experiences. Moments. Situations. A new outlook on life. 

It was all these things wrapped up in a stream of such abundance that made me see how it was being grateful that allowed me to remove the fear I had felt before. The stifling fear of simply being was gone. 

You can't feel fear when you feel gratitude. There is no room for fear for your heart is always full of appreciation, determination. 

When you feel gratitude it fills your heart with hope. Peace. A calmness that fear cannot dimish. A determination that cannot be dimmed, allowing you to exceed your usual limits... transcendent. 

I heard it said once that practicing gratitude is an art that can provide you with a feeling of "greatness." But not an ego-filled greatness. More of a fullness to everything that is possible. 

Fear cannot live where there is possibility and possibility is everywhere there is gratitude. 

I do practice gratitude. I start every morning with simple meditation. I meditate on what I am grateful for, or what I want to be grateful for that day or that moment or in the future. I'm always grateful for my family. So I meditate on my family being happy, healthy, fulfilled.

A new friend of mine lives this more than anyone I have ever met. He is grateful for and celebrates good things in his life before they even happen. That's a skill - a way of being - that I aspire to and he is a wonderful example for me to learn from.  I am grateful for him. 

I am continuing to learn that I have the power. The power of change. The power of transcendence. The power of being fulfilled. The power of gratitude. And, there is no room for fear. Only grace, determination and unrelenting badassery!

What are you grateful for? 

No, really... I'd love to know. Comment. Let's show gratitude and be badass together.

I'm so grateful for you!

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Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Alabanza | Praise to This

"Paciencia y Fe. Patience and Faith."

~ Abuela Claudia

In the Heights

This weekend was the final performances for "In The Heights." The last time on this "street corner." The last time on my bench. The last time on this set. The last time to meld voices with such fabulous performers.

Wowza!

What a transformative experience! How thankful I am to have been a part of something bigger than myself.

Being with R-S Theatrics and bringing "In The Heights" to theatre goers in St. Louis has been a rewarding, thought-provoking, joy-filled, music-filled and a simply amazing adventure. Something the likes of which I have never experienced. The magnitude, I can honestly say, I didn't anticipate.

This is the dream role I never knew I always wanted.

Our brilliant director had such a vision for this role within this musical that I don't believe even the originators knew how great it could be. Moving. Emotional. Powerful. Magic.

Abuela Claudia suddenly became the catalyst to the story. Larger than life, it seems. Especially when you see the portrait the graffiti artist, Bryan Pease, painted of Abuela!

And, I was blessed to be portraying her.

Yet, I began to panic...I couldn't "find" her. I couldn't find Abuela's voice.

We had rehearsals. I sang and recited the lines of the script. Blocking. Continued rehearsals. Where is she? I started to worry that I wouldn't find her voice.

We entered tech week. Finding costumes. Listening to the pit musicians. Where IS she?

This character, the heart of the story - where is she?

I voiced my concern to our director. She told me she wasn't worried. Said she was confident I'd have her when all the elements came together as we hit the stage.

God bless that woman!

My mother has a gold necklace that her mother gave to her. It has the image of the Sacred Heart on it. Many years ago we had my mom's name engraved on the back to make it more her own. She gave me the necklace a couple of years ago and I wore it with pride. When my sister was diagnosed with cancer I took it off in the hospital room and gave it to her as a talisman to carry her through treatment.

My sister passed away. And, the necklace was returned to my mom. It was placed in a drawer.

The main song that Abuela Claudia sings is "Paciencia y Fe," patience and faith. It was with Paciencia y Fe that my grandmother gave it to my mom. I imagine her giving it to my mother as she prepared to leave her home in Puebla, Mexico to move to St. Louis, Missouri with my dad.

It was with Paciencia y Fe that my mom gave it to me when I began to have serious health issues and it was with Paciencia y Fe that I gave it to my sister.

I asked my mom if I could have it back. Figured it would make a great addition to my costume.

The first night I put it on, along with a rosary bracelet my mom likes to wear, everything changed.
Abuela suddenly became every woman I know in my family. My grandmother. My great-aunt. My mother. My sister.

And, I found her. I found Abuela Claudia. I found the giving, caring, nurturing woman that is every one of the women in my family. That, I am sure is every woman in each of our families.

How fortunate am I to have such strong women in my family? How fortunate am I to have played such a loving character? How fortunate to have been given the opportunity to give her a voice! Here, today, now.

I may have put Claudia behind me as we closed the show the past weekend, but the necklace is still around my neck.

As I now reminisce and reflect on the past three weeks I say, "Alabanza!"

Alabanza! I lift this experience up to God's face and sing...

"Praise to THIS!"

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Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Being Authentic Ain't Easy

"Being Authentic and In The Moment isn't for the faint of heart!"

~ Carmen 

It takes some cojones to be true to yourSelf (written how my mentor/friend would write it).

I mean really, how often do you encounter people around you expecting you to change for their benefit? For their comfort? For their image and idea of who they believe YOU to be? Or want you to be?

Especially, when you're a woman.

You need to be thin. You need to be pretty. You need to be smart - but not too smart. You need speak up, but don't get bossy. You strive to be equal, but never really are seen that way.

Finding your self-worth, your self-value and embracing it, owning it, living it goes against everything and everyone that surrounds you most of the time. No wonder people call me a force of nature - a hurricane - because I must to be to be seen and heard.

Women have, for the most part, grown to be cautious of how they present themselves to outside forces not realizing they are a force themselves. It's within them.

I've been learning a lot from my friend and mentor through her SHINE Challenge. And, wow, has she tapped something within me and lit it on fire! Teaching me ways to find my unique brilliance and talents and presenting them to the world unapologetically.  I'm learning ways to communicate with more authenticity and not afraid to do so.

She's brilliant! Trust me you should take a look at her work!

In being authentic and unapologetic, I have surrounded myself with other strong women in the last couple of months. Other forces of nature that are helping me to continue to realize my potential and that of my daughter. Because of them, I know we are not alone in being true to ourselves, for they are great examples of being their true-selves too. Brave, creative, fiery, feisty, brilliant women making their mark in the St. Louis theatre scene with gusto. Women of color. Women of integrity. Women of vision. Women I am proud to now call my friends.

They inspire me. They challenge me. They allow me to be my true self around them.

Most importantly, they inspire and challenge my daughter to be her true self as well. That is a gift beyond measure.

One woman, in particular, knew she needed to bring a story to life - a story of diversity, of family and home. She had the audacity, the tenacity, the authenticity to bring this story to life in St. Louis. And, while the story centered around a young brown man in a barrio in New York, it was an old brown woman that was at the heart of their community. An old woman where, although life dictated her path in difficult times, never shied away from who she truly was: loving, nurturing, kind, compassionate. A caretaker. A grandmother. An Abuela. Authentic.

Another is bringing a story to St. Louis of a young Mexican-American girl who finds her bravery, determination, and strength behind a mask as she embraces and learns about her family's heritage - thus discovering her own authenticity.

But no matter which strong woman - my mentor/friend, my new friends, Abuela Claudia, a young Mexican-American girl, my daughter or me - we are each always continuing to break barriers to be authentic and strong. It isn't easy work. But we carry on because we must.

Because we are driven.

We are real.

We are women of substance.

We are a force of nature.

We are authentic.

We are women.

And it isn't for the faint of heart.


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Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

I will not be eclipsed

"He cannot eclipse me, for he is not man or match for my brilliance."

~ Carmen

You'll have to bear with me... I'm still hurting from being told I was too much for one person. The person who told me he loved me.

We all go through breakups. We have all felt pain. I guess I had put my heart on hold for so long that when I allowed it to open and feel someone else's love, I breathed it in too deeply.

One reason he said we could not continue was my family. I told him it wasn't the reason, and he couldn't argue. I knew it was not the reason, but it still stung.

I sat today, silent, wondering... am I too much? Am I a hurricane? Will there be anyone who can handle who I am, what I have, who surrounds me, what I do?  How do I expand when I'm being told I already am too much?

He said he didn't want to say anything because he thought I would be too ashamed and embarrassed with his leaving me. And, I knew that was a lie too. I know that he was projecting his feelings of shame and embarrassment on to me, rather than want to feel the full force of what he was doing on himself. And, I venture to say there was guilt on his part in there too. A ton of guilt on many levels.

Then I thought - how dare you?

You called me a hurricane, and perhaps there is a lot of activities and family and friends surrounding me, but it doesn't stop me from living and loving and supporting and being there for another. I'm sure it looks like that when you are sitting in your living room...but what you don't know is that I am much more than that!

I am a mother.
I am a daughter.
I'm an adult - we have responsibilities.

I am a performer.
I am vibrant.
I am vivacious.
I am brilliant.

And, I can be a lover. A partner.

All these things are not mutually exclusive of each other.

What I've discovered as well, is that I am a Goddess!

I have a huge capacity for love and loyalty when given the opportunity. A true opportunity. A real opportunity. I live life to the fullest I can, and while someone may look in and believe that it looks like a hurricane, I'm not stopping because someone thinks I'm too much. I'm living. I'm alive.

And, I deserve a true man. One who's heart is truly available. Not a facade of a man who wants to be someone different, somewhere different, so as not to feel what he truly needs to feel. The man I love(d) has a level of pain to move through that no other person can help him navigate. He has a depth of pain that he has to find how to pull out of and through on his own.

I was a band-aid over his pain. I don't want to cover someone's wounds. I am more brilliant than that. I only shone more of a light on his loss and he was unable to withstand the heat and magnification. Unfortunately, I know he will continue to look for band-aids rather than face his fears and pains of his own loss. In fact, I am sure he already has.

However, in the midst of my anger, something incredible transpired.

While I sat silently reviewing what had happened, regaining my composure and reviving my brilliance, I received two texts from two different men. Men I have known for a little while and who I stepped away from because of entering into a more serious relationship.

Did I do that?

Did I send out some weird Bat-Signal calling these men back in my life?

It's too soon for me to take them up on their invitation, but wowza! I have their attention again. They came to me!

I am a goddess! I do SHINE!

I knew that I was successful, am successful in manifesting many things through intentions to complete goals and find love. And, I'm ready to do so again.

Interesting how I chose the crop circle of The Goddess for my next tattoo. Just this afternoon. This Afternoon!

So, thank you! Yes, you broke my heart. Yes, you made me question my being, if ever so briefly. But you also reminded me of the goddess that I am!

My intention is much clearer now than before!

Thank you for showing me that I need an intelligent man that is mentally, physically, emotionally available to love me, with a large capacity of patience, faith, and love. A man who is ready to go through all this with me as we support each other through life. And one who enjoys the winds and whirlwind of a full life and live to tell of its adventures.

It's not either of the nice men that reached out to me today. I know that. But, it's nice to know that I can call upon something deeper inside me to shine and be seen and heard.

I DO shine. I AM brilliant. I AM alive. And, I WILL love and BE loved again.

I WILL NOT be eclipsed.

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In The Heights runs August 18 - September 3 at the .Zack on Locust in the Grand Center Theatre District. Tickets can be purchased here.

Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Turning the page...

"How do you say goodbye and thank you to amazing experiences? To people, places and times? To moments so overwhelming you can barely breathe sometimes?"

~ Carmen

The major part of the months of July and August were an amazing whirlwind of emotions and triumphs. Of love and loss. Of joy and of pain. Of new beginnings and happy/bittersweet endings.

• My daughter began a new year at a new school making new friends.

• I was privileged to be asked to join R-S Theatrics that is helmed by an amazing woman of character and vision.

• I'm playing the role of a lifetime (Abuela Claudia in In The Heights) in such a way that people are moved and the production and I have been blessed by receiving amazing reviews.

• I am working with talented and giving individuals.

• Made friends.

• Fell in love and lost love. 

All within less than a 45-day time span. A few hectic weeks.

Weeks that were so packed with such powerful feelings that they would have been better spread throughout a year's time. But, hey - why do things the easy way!?

The range of emotions isn't lost on me. I'm feeling the impact with such force that it's hard for me to breathe sometimes.

What's interesting, however, is I have come to realize that the power really is in my hands. My incredible friend and mentor has taught me to Shine! To come into my own. To find my uniqueness and not let it be tarnished by others! That alone is a powerful feeling. And one I have come to expect of myself and to not back down.

So, I set my intentions, my goals if you will, to have these items come to fruition. And they did - with such overwhelming intensity, it has been difficult to comprehend!

My daughter's happiness is my own. Of course, we would make a move to ensure her happiness. And she is now happy. The happiest I have seen in a long while.

One of my main goals was to return to professional acting - and boy did I do that with gusto! In a marvelous company that sees a bigger picture than ourselves. In fact, the reviews for this production, and having been singled out at times within them, were overwhelming. I'm blessed. Truly.

And, I met a wonderful man.

I set my intention for him and he presented himself so quickly. Looking back I guess I should have made a few of those intentions clearer. More succinct. More direct.

He told me once that I was a hurricane. I'm not sure I like the metaphor with everything happening in Texas right now; however, I understand why he called me that.  I have so much swirled around me that the first part of the last bullet point was difficult to maintain. Don't get me wrong - he has some very heavy issues too. But my hurricane status made our meeting that much more powerful. For this man was not ready for the hurricane. He's not really ready for any type of storm - or even a cloudy day right now - for he is going through difficult gray skies of his own...but that's his story to tell.

I'm heartbroken for what could have been, but happy for what was. He gave me a wonderful month of love and acceptance. One month of warmth and a form of praise and attention, I hadn't had in a very, very long time. A rock in a stormy system that was the last few weeks of my life.

A month that felt like a lifetime. Incredible what strong feelings aroused in that short amount of time. I will miss him terribly. And hope he finds his way back to me. But, that may be wishful thinking.

I find solace in the words of my friend and mentor, "If not this, something better." It's hard to imagine "something better" than his love and affection right now. But, endings of one thing are always a new beginning for another. (Someone, please keep reminding me of this...)

I have one more weekend of performances with this wonderful troupe. One more weekend of performances to embody this wonderful character. And, the start of a weekend to move on without a partner. And, that's ok...

Because my heart is filled with so much gratitude for what was and has been an incredible chapter in my life. He helped me find love again. Something I hadn't had in a very long time. And, I know I am capable of love and worthy of love and will love and be loved again.

And, after this weekend, I will start concentrating on me once more. The person me. The healthy me. The woman me. Me.

Time to turn the page.

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In The Heights runs August 18 - September 3 at the .Zack on Locust in the Grand Center Theatre District. Tickets can be purchased here.

Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Theatre Diversity Confluence

"Some people commit their lives to this, and all they want to do is give you something special."

~ Chris Colgin, Riverfront Times

What a wonderful time in St. Louis theatre at the moment. What amazing talent resides in my hometown!

There was an article written by Chris Colgin in the Riverfront Times a while back, Hey, St. Louis: You're Missing Some Really Good Theatre. It spoke about the abundance of theatre in our town yet finding empty seats at performances.

And, I agreed when I read the article. Companies work so hard at putting their all, their best, their

heart into a production, yet only sell half the house of seats.  There are many things that take up our collective time: sports, family, life, laundry.  But, what is presented on stage is sometimes bigger than that. Yes, it mimics our lives, places a magnifying glass on moments, and sometimes gets too close to home. Our relationships. Our communities. Our history.

There are so many things circling around us right now in the country. So many "not-so-great" things. Things and people attacking the strength of our diversity. Not recognizing how, without diversity, we would not have a country. And, not realizing how we have treated others "not like us" has harmed us in so many hurtful, hateful ways.

I feel there is a confluence in St. Louis theatre right now. Two shows playing this weekend have shown on stage what it means to be a person of color or an immigrant. These shows have reflected how we have treated one another and how that treatment has magnified our lives in history. These shows have shown what it means when we search for home and acceptance.

A confluence of time. A confluence of history. A confluence of theatre.

"Ragtime" at Stray Dog Theatre has sold out every performance on their schedule! EVERY. PERFORMANCE.

It tells the story of three groups of people in 1920's America: an African-American musician, white upper-class suburbanite family, and Jewish immigrants. Each one finding their truth. Each one's lives colliding. And, each life affected by the acceptance or non-acceptance of the other.

Powerful and beautiful and heart-wrenching and truthful. And, still a reflection of our time now. How hatred for another due to the color of their skin and the struggle due to their background is palpable and difficult to watch. Painful. Powerful. Yet, beautifully portrayed by those on stage.

"In The Heights" with R-S Theatrics - of which I am an honored cast member - tells the story of LatinX immigrants. Their struggle for acceptance and the need to find a place in the world. Their story of family and of home. How our lives mesh with people of other ethnicities and colors. Their struggle to find a place for heritage to be included in their current existence.

And, I'm happy to say, this show is also selling out dates quickly. As of this writing, we have sold out most of the 9 shows and are trying to add a new date.

We have a story to tell that's relevant and timely.

So, is this due to the theatre community's strength in St. Louis? Or is it a reflection of our time in history now? What's happening around us.

I always say that theatre is a voice for the voiceless.  Our director says "if we can touch one person with our story, that one person can make a difference in someone else's life." The ripple effect sounds beautiful.

Yes, there seems to be a confluence in theatre right now as we provide a glimpse at our lives on stage. Stories of how we are and have been Americans together. Living together. Struggling together. Existing together. Hating each other. Killing each other. Calling each other names. Protesting our perceived importance or lack thereof in some cases. But finding solace together. Strength together. Future together. Even when it seems impossible. The different colors on stage are proof we can work toward a common goal of beauty.

No matter the reason, the result is the same for us in theatre. Each of the performers - all performers - want to bring truth to our characters, to the story.

Come experience truth. Talk to each other. Love each other. Find our common ground and common ancestry. Our common home.

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In The Heights runs August 18 - September 3 at the .Zack on Locust in the Grand Center Theatre District. Tickets can be purchased here.

Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.