SHINE vs Failure

"The only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve; the fear of failure." 

~ Paulo Coelho

So, I'm going to let you in on a little secret...

I've stumbled. I've fallen. One year out and I'm having a hard time adjusting to my new found success.

Interesting how, just when you're doing so well, when you are making strides, when you feel like a million bucks, when you are actually manifesting what you had hoped to receive, life stops you dead in your tracks and makes you question everything.

Fear of success is a horrible thing.

Back in February I wrote about attending The Joy of Goals. I wrote flowery words about how wonderful it is to complete goals. I had crossed off so many of my goals. Life changing goals. Earth shattering goals. Big. Amazing. Goals.

It felt wonderful and fulfilling.

And messy.
And scary.
And suddenly stifling.

I told you about how I had also recognized my complacency... or what I thought was simply complacency and contentment.  I had wavered and stumbled. I stopped what I know was a key to success...jotting down what I eat, working out everyday, cutting out carbs. When I realized where I was with my new life, I started up again. Being conscience of what I was/or wasn't doing.

Until I didn't.

Why? What was going on in my head to cause me to stop eating right? Stop moving my body? Stop making strides toward my success, attention, happiness.

Success? Attention? Happiness? Do I deserve these wonderful feelings?

I talked this through with my dear friend and coach as I move through her leadership training called SHINE. I didn't even want to mention it to her at first, but so glad I finally fessed up. She asked me why I was afraid of success. Why am I afraid of attention? Of happiness?

She and I talked it through. I began to see what I was doing. And I cried.

I was fine being hidden. Didn't have to work at it. I just was. Hiding behind my weight. Hiding behind my daughter. I'm not saying I was happy, but I was hidden. See, even though my personality seems big and loud, I am not a big and loud person. Most people don't believe me when I say I'm actually an introvert. Hey, I'm an actress - I can play big when I have to.

Wait! That's right. I am an actress! When I stepped on stage again it was refreshing, renewing, rejuvenating. I LOVED it! I realized that's where I wanted to spend more time. My confidence grew. It was amazing.

My daughter and I went out soon after my performance and I was suddenly recognized by strangers for my role in the musical. It happened in many other settings too. It was just one performance, but threw me in a new line of sight. I'm doing more performing and gaining more attention. And, it's freaking scary! I didn't do much to attract this attention. It was just one musical. It was just one performance. What the heck was going on? What if I bomb the next show I'm in?!

And, I'm suddenly eating more. Craving more... food. Trying to hide again. Sabotaging my success.

I did attend my second Joy of Goals workshop a couple of months ago, but was unable to stay for the whole event. I didn't write down my goals and I never opened the book again after that day. BIG mistake.

I have to remember how horrible I felt being so big. I have to remember how horrible I felt being hidden away - it's much worse than being seen, even if being seen is scarier.

Because when I'm seen... What if I make a mistake. What if people don't like me anymore being my true self? What will happen if I shine and overshadow and move past this bump and truly succeed? Then what? I don't know who I am past where I am now. Not having succeeded, truly succeeded, in the past.

I love my dear friend/coach. But I'm also angry that so much emotion just came out this afternoon. I cried. I cried for what I have lost and for what I have gained. I cried that this is so tumultuous. I cried when I realized that I have always been scared of success and it has stopped me from doing so much more with my life.

And, I cried because I know what I now need to do. And how much work needs to be done. And, how much I realized that I deserve to succeed - in whatever form that is going to take.

She reminded me that we find evidence of what we believe. So I have to shift how I see and believe myself. My powerful, shining, talented self. I don't have to give up something to be successful. I have everything to gain!

Thank you my dear friend. Thank you for keeping me accountable to my truest self. Thank you for creating a safe space for me to find who I am and where I am going. Thank you for helping me find the infinite.

It is time to SHINE!

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Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Not Another Motorcycle! :: Or Online Dating...Sheesh The Finale

"If I have to see another motorcycle picture on a dating profile, I'm going to scream!"

~ Carmen

This online dating thing hasn't been going so well lately. It's nice out now and more and more people want to get out in the nice weather. And, so it seems, do single older men. With other single men... and their prize of a woman sitting behind them on their motorcycle. 

I have noticed that more and more profile photos are actually of a man's toys: motorcycles, muscle cars, their latest catch, their latest kill (what did that animal ever do to you?), their pets, or their boats. Sometimes the man's face is actually in the photo too. Most of the time not. Because, you know, I want to date a golden retriever on a boat with a dead animal in its mouth!

I understand midlife crisis'.  Truly I do. I've gone through my own - and believe I'm still going through it. However, midlife for me is more of a recognition of being who I am. Not replacing who I am with items. Or trying to replace my image with things that are believed to be desirable.  I'm not interested in your log cabin on 100 acres... that's just a little creepy really if that's where you want to take me!

There are also the men that have hit the gym... hard! And, the are very proud of their accomplishments, as they should be. But, enough with the sweaty, naked chest photos of you lifting heavy weights. Or doing the bodybuilding poses in your bathroom mirror. Or having a friend take photos of you doing pull-ups at the gym. I get it. You're strong and proud of your body. I'm happy for you. Really I am. I just feel you're trying too hard. And, not all women are in it for the body!

Just be yourself. Show me your kind eyes. Your warm smile. Sure, show me your motorcycle if you're on it and having fun. I'd love to see your pet - if you're sitting with it. Your kayak looks wonderful on the river while you were on a float trip.

I wonder what my photos are saying to prospective suitors. Me in the snow in Colorado. One hiking. Smiling. Being funny.

I think my time online dating is coming to a close. I want someone cerebral and loving. Soft and strong. I've met a couple, but they are few and far between. Not sure that is what I'm going to find online.

But that's ok. I've had fun meeting new people. Stretching my boundaries. Taking a leap of faith. And, that's good.

Just, if I have to see one more motorcycle.... oye!

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Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Sampling Products :: Online Dating Version

"Is UGH an emotion? Because I seem to be feeling it all the time online now."

~ Carmen

Don't you love going to Costco or Sam's on a Saturday afternoon? You can enjoy the samples they offer at every corner of the store. In fact, you can pretty much have lunch on the samples there! It's sweet!

You normally will tell the person working the sample table that you're interested in a purchase. Ask where the product is in the store. Grab a coupon. Take steps to show you are really interested... I mean, super duper interested in that particular product. And, grab another sample. Because that's what you really want - the sample! Sample everything! I mean, it's free after all!

You're not really going to purchase the product. I mean, why would you buy a giant box of frozen chickpeas that you'll never really eat, even if the samples are tasty. At that moment in time.

That's what it feels like when you're dating those you find online. A sample product.

You talk yourself online. Men stop by and check out the offer. Decide it looks and sounds pretty good. Let's see, are we ready for a sample?

Great... let's meet!

The bad thing with online dating is that men are only in it for the sample. The never ending supply of samples online. Men are just going from one corner to the other sampling products like crazy.

For women, let me tell you, the pressure to "being a sample" right off the bat is tremendous! And, if you don't within the first couple of dates, the guy moves on.

It's like sampling the products at Costco or Sam's. Men keep checking out the samples, but the product never makes it to their cart!

I'm tired of being seen as a sample. I'm not saying they need to make the purchase outright, but at least give me a try for a while longer than one or two dates!

Ugh!

Just Ugh!


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Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Complacency and Contentment

"Why hide your talent in the closet of complacency when you have greatness within you?"

~Robin Sharma

I've been very good about keeping track of my food intake - protein, carbohydrates, and fat.  I've been good about drinking enough water and taking my vitamins. I've been good about working out every day. I've been good about weighing myself once a week.

Until I wasn't.

I realized the other day that I am not logging in my food as religiously as I had been. I didn't meet my water quota. I skipped a couple of my vitamins. And, I ate carbs... bread... which I hadn't in a long, long time.  And, it wasn't the first time.

I grew content.

And with contentment came complacency.

Complacency kills progress.

In my case, it could send me back to a life of being unhealthy and large.  Not somewhere I want to be. And a place I've been running away from.

I've been at this for a year now. I guess everything can get a little tiresome after a year. But, I can't relax. I can't be complacent. I can't sit back in contentment.

I have to keep working.

Seeking to be better. Be healthier. Continue to do things that were outside my norm for so long.

I'm so close to my target... I can taste it (every pun in the book intended)!

So, right here, right now, I am telling all of whoever reads this, I'm back on track.

Going to log my food, cut out carbs, drink my water, take my vitamins and work out every day!

Every freaking day!

And weigh myself in the morning. Even if the thought of seeing what the scale says scares the crap out of me.

I had a nice little break. But, now its back to work!

I know I have greatness within me! And success doesn't come from what you do occasionally.

Just have to remind myself every now and again!

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Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Perspective

"It's impossible," said Pride.
"It's risky," said Experience.
"It's pointless," said Reason.
"Give it a try," whispered my Heart.

~ Anonymous

Everything, it seems, is a matter of perspective.

A 5K. A 7K. More weight to dead lift. Lower squats. Less food. Less me.

I truly thought that losing weight and getting healthy was an impossibility. Surgery was risky. Trying to be happy was pointless.

Thank heavens my soul finally told me to give it a try.

Try being happy. Really try to be happy. Do what needs to be done to be happy.

It's all perspective.

Releasing the familiar. Walk in to the unknown. Be courageous to embrace the new. Change your perspective.

When that happens a whole new world opens up to you. A world you have forgotten about. A whole new you that you left behind. You become curious.

Can I act and sing again?
Can I walk in a 5K? A 7K? How about a 10K?
I think I want to zipline!
Let's go horseback riding!
I lift weights now!
I'm not afraid to try things anymore!
Let's do this!

It's all a matter of perspective. It can change everything!

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Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Strength in Shedding

The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come.

~ Joseph Campbell

Interesting - I have cleaned out closets and drawers. I have gotten rid of more clothes than I even knew I had in my house! Ok, I have replaced a few items of clothing. I mean I can't be going out naked, after all! But still.

I feel amazing right now! I truly do!  I have shed a lot of me along this one year journey.

Yep - it's been one year!

We're heading into a new summer. I was looking forward to summer.  I mean I'm 95 pounds less a person than I was before! Exciting, right?

Well, it is until you see all the extra skin on my body. It's a horrid reminder of who I use to be. Of where I came from. Of all the hard work I have done so far. A reminder of being less than from the time you were mocked for being more than.

You'd think I would wear my extra skin as a badge of honor. Except that it is very ... embarrassing. I am working so hard to shed my negative body thoughts, my negative body image, embrace who I am wholeheartedly. With the extra skin.

I remember the days when I would go to the pool as a large woman. Or go on a float trip. Or play in the river. Or wear short. Or a shorter dress. This is me! Sure my legs would jiggle. I had a ton of fat around my legs. I was 100 pounds heavier then. Of course, this was a few years ago, and the fat around me was at least filled in.

One day back then I was walking out of the pool. A young boy stared at my legs.  His eyes were so big, taking all the hugeness of me in. He was in disbelief and suddenly came to. He yelled at his mom close by, "Mom, look at how fat her legs are! They are like elephant legs!" Out of the mouths of babes...I was mortified. That was the last time I put on a swimsuit in a public pool.

I am smaller now. My legs are too, really. I can wear a swimsuit from Old Navy for goodness sake. I never wore a "regular-sized" anything before. But now the skin on my legs, my stomach, under my arms is so loose that it hangs. Just hangs. Rolls and rolls of loose, sagging, wrinkled skin. I look like a deflated balloon. Or a shar-pei puppy with all its wrinkles. Except my wrinkles aren't cute. Not even close.

Now it's summer...Sundresses. Swimsuits. Sleeveless tops. Shorts.  Will I ever have the freedom of wearing such clothing? Will I ever FEEL the freedom of wearing such clothing?

The more I lose, the more skin hangs. I could very well be one or two sizes smaller and 20 - 25 pounds lighter if I could get rid of all this skin.

And yet, I continue to shed. Shedding the old thoughts. Shedding the old image. Shedding my expectations of what I believe I'm supposed to look like.

But I will also do something for me. I will talk to a plastic surgeon to see what can be done. This, while I continue to do strength training - a strength of muscles and strength of mind.

I must continue to shed my past - over and over.

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Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Favorite Feeling in the World

"Life is like a theatre, but the question is not if you are in the audience or on the stage, but rather whether you are where you want to be?"

~ A.B. Potts

I am where I want to be - that is for sure! I love being on stage!

I had forgotten.

I had a flashback before hitting the stage a few weeks ago for a preview show. I remembered stepping on stage the first time when I was in High School.  I had a solo in a Christmas show.  I was nervous. I was unsure of myself.

What would people say? What would people think? I'm too fat to be in the spotlight! I'm not good enough to sing this song! What if I can't remember all the words? Will they laugh? I'll be fat and a horrible singer!

I can't remember how I sang, but I remember how I felt.

I felt wonderful! Warm. Embraced. Loved. Accepted.

When I was younger I never really felt accepted.  I was overweight. Timid in a way. Unsure of myself. With that one solo, I found how to be accepted. People looked beyond my weight and focused on my ability. I cherished it!

I suddenly became "the singer" - oh, you're that singer! I always use to be the chubby one, or the fat one. But I was now "The Singer!"

I can handle that!

So, I threw myself into performing. Musicals at school. Solos in the choir. The singer in a high school big band. Whatever I could do I did. It gave me the confidence to try out for cheerleading. Because, you know, who doesn't want "the singer" on your cheerleading squad?

Went to college for musical theatre. Did summer stock. Was asked to go to New York and jumped at the chance. But, when I got to NYC I was told I was too ethnic. Maybe if I lost some weight.

Ummm...how does getting thinner make me less ethnic?

But I persevered.  Got in a broadway show ... that closed before it actually opened. I know, just my luck. And, I came home.

I did try my hand at community theatre when I returned to St. Louis, but the goofy spring blossoms messed up my sinuses.  I constantly lost my voice. I couldn't sing. And, I suddenly lost my identity.

I wasn't a singer anymore. I was just fat.

I tried being as bold as I thought I use to be. People believed me too.  To this day people believed I had a lot of confidence. Well... I am an actress after all.  I kept up the facade. I spoke well in front of people. I smiled and powered through. But, I really was hiding. I hid behind my size. No one can hurt me if I stay well padded.

No one except me. I was hurting myself. Thank goodness I finally said "ENOUGH!"

Fast forward to earlier in the month...

I have never had so much fun as when I was with the creative team at Take Two Productions and the wonderfully talented cast of It Shoulda Been You.

I know it has been a bit since the show opened, but the feeling remains. A glow, an energy, a peace that I haven't felt in a long time. Something I want to hold on to and want to repeat again and again.

I realize that this particular cast, in this particular show, at this particular time, will be a one-of-a-kind experience that I will never replicate. But darn if I won't keep trying! It was that good.

I wasn't hiding. It was all me on stage. After 20 years of not stepping on stage, I returned with a vengeance! And, it was the most fun I have every had!

And, I'm not stopping.  Up next...

I have been cast as Abuela Claudia in R-S Theatrics production of In The Heights!

I'm not padded.  I'm not hiding.  It's all me on stage. I'm where I want to be!

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Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.