Perspective

"It's impossible," said Pride.
"It's risky," said Experience.
"It's pointless," said Reason.
"Give it a try," whispered my Heart.

~ Anonymous

Everything, it seems, is a matter of perspective.

A 5K. A 7K. More weight to dead lift. Lower squats. Less food. Less me.

I truly thought that losing weight and getting healthy was an impossibility. Surgery was risky. Trying to be happy was pointless.

Thank heavens my soul finally told me to give it a try.

Try being happy. Really try to be happy. Do what needs to be done to be happy.

It's all perspective.

Releasing the familiar. Walk in to the unknown. Be courageous to embrace the new. Change your perspective.

When that happens a whole new world opens up to you. A world you have forgotten about. A whole new you that you left behind. You become curious.

Can I act and sing again?
Can I walk in a 5K? A 7K? How about a 10K?
I think I want to zipline!
Let's go horseback riding!
I lift weights now!
I'm not afraid to try things anymore!
Let's do this!

It's all a matter of perspective. It can change everything!

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Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Strength in Shedding

The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come.

~ Joseph Campbell

Interesting - I have cleaned out closets and drawers. I have gotten rid of more clothes than I even knew I had in my house! Ok, I have replaced a few items of clothing. I mean I can't be going out naked, after all! But still.

I feel amazing right now! I truly do!  I have shed a lot of me along this one year journey.

Yep - it's been one year!

We're heading into a new summer. I was looking forward to summer.  I mean I'm 95 pounds less a person than I was before! Exciting, right?

Well, it is until you see all the extra skin on my body. It's a horrid reminder of who I use to be. Of where I came from. Of all the hard work I have done so far. A reminder of being less than from the time you were mocked for being more than.

You'd think I would wear my extra skin as a badge of honor. Except that it is very ... embarrassing. I am working so hard to shed my negative body thoughts, my negative body image, embrace who I am wholeheartedly. With the extra skin.

I remember the days when I would go to the pool as a large woman. Or go on a float trip. Or play in the river. Or wear short. Or a shorter dress. This is me! Sure my legs would jiggle. I had a ton of fat around my legs. I was 100 pounds heavier then. Of course, this was a few years ago, and the fat around me was at least filled in.

One day back then I was walking out of the pool. A young boy stared at my legs.  His eyes were so big, taking all the hugeness of me in. He was in disbelief and suddenly came to. He yelled at his mom close by, "Mom, look at how fat her legs are! They are like elephant legs!" Out of the mouths of babes...I was mortified. That was the last time I put on a swimsuit in a public pool.

I am smaller now. My legs are too, really. I can wear a swimsuit from Old Navy for goodness sake. I never wore a "regular-sized" anything before. But now the skin on my legs, my stomach, under my arms is so loose that it hangs. Just hangs. Rolls and rolls of loose, sagging, wrinkled skin. I look like a deflated balloon. Or a shar-pei puppy with all its wrinkles. Except my wrinkles aren't cute. Not even close.

Now it's summer...Sundresses. Swimsuits. Sleeveless tops. Shorts.  Will I ever have the freedom of wearing such clothing? Will I ever FEEL the freedom of wearing such clothing?

The more I lose, the more skin hangs. I could very well be one or two sizes smaller and 20 - 25 pounds lighter if I could get rid of all this skin.

And yet, I continue to shed. Shedding the old thoughts. Shedding the old image. Shedding my expectations of what I believe I'm supposed to look like.

But I will also do something for me. I will talk to a plastic surgeon to see what can be done. This, while I continue to do strength training - a strength of muscles and strength of mind.

I must continue to shed my past - over and over.

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Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Favorite Feeling in the World

"Life is like a theatre, but the question is not if you are in the audience or on the stage, but rather whether you are where you want to be?"

~ A.B. Potts

I am where I want to be - that is for sure! I love being on stage!

I had forgotten.

I had a flashback before hitting the stage a few weeks ago for a preview show. I remembered stepping on stage the first time when I was in High School.  I had a solo in a Christmas show.  I was nervous. I was unsure of myself.

What would people say? What would people think? I'm too fat to be in the spotlight! I'm not good enough to sing this song! What if I can't remember all the words? Will they laugh? I'll be fat and a horrible singer!

I can't remember how I sang, but I remember how I felt.

I felt wonderful! Warm. Embraced. Loved. Accepted.

When I was younger I never really felt accepted.  I was overweight. Timid in a way. Unsure of myself. With that one solo, I found how to be accepted. People looked beyond my weight and focused on my ability. I cherished it!

I suddenly became "the singer" - oh, you're that singer! I always use to be the chubby one, or the fat one. But I was now "The Singer!"

I can handle that!

So, I threw myself into performing. Musicals at school. Solos in the choir. The singer in a high school big band. Whatever I could do I did. It gave me the confidence to try out for cheerleading. Because, you know, who doesn't want "the singer" on your cheerleading squad?

Went to college for musical theatre. Did summer stock. Was asked to go to New York and jumped at the chance. But, when I got to NYC I was told I was too ethnic. Maybe if I lost some weight.

Ummm...how does getting thinner make me less ethnic?

But I persevered.  Got in a broadway show ... that closed before it actually opened. I know, just my luck. And, I came home.

I did try my hand at community theatre when I returned to St. Louis, but the goofy spring blossoms messed up my sinuses.  I constantly lost my voice. I couldn't sing. And, I suddenly lost my identity.

I wasn't a singer anymore. I was just fat.

I tried being as bold as I thought I use to be. People believed me too.  To this day people believed I had a lot of confidence. Well... I am an actress after all.  I kept up the facade. I spoke well in front of people. I smiled and powered through. But, I really was hiding. I hid behind my size. No one can hurt me if I stay well padded.

No one except me. I was hurting myself. Thank goodness I finally said "ENOUGH!"

Fast forward to earlier in the month...

I have never had so much fun as when I was with the creative team at Take Two Productions and the wonderfully talented cast of It Shoulda Been You.

I know it has been a bit since the show opened, but the feeling remains. A glow, an energy, a peace that I haven't felt in a long time. Something I want to hold on to and want to repeat again and again.

I realize that this particular cast, in this particular show, at this particular time, will be a one-of-a-kind experience that I will never replicate. But darn if I won't keep trying! It was that good.

I wasn't hiding. It was all me on stage. After 20 years of not stepping on stage, I returned with a vengeance! And, it was the most fun I have every had!

And, I'm not stopping.  Up next...

I have been cast as Abuela Claudia in R-S Theatrics production of In The Heights!

I'm not padded.  I'm not hiding.  It's all me on stage. I'm where I want to be!

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Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Love/Hate Relationship With Aging

"Aging is an extraordinary process where you become the person you always should have been."

~ David Bowie

There was a shock on the face of my date the other night when I told him how old I was. It's not something I usually bring up in conversation, but he made the wrong assumption and I wanted to correct him; after I thanked him profusely for saying I was 8 years younger than I truly was.

I told him it was a grand compliment and he can continue to think I'm 50 all he wants. However, I also told him that I was very proud of my age.

I've earned my wrinkles. I've earned my scars. I've earned my gray hair.  I've also earned what I need to purchase my box of hair color to hide all that gray - I mean, come on...

But it also made me think... I guess I do have this love/hate relationship with aging. I know I have written how content I am in my life and my age right now. And, I am. But, my age is starting to show. While I have lost weight my skin is not bouncing back as I'd like. I'm a lot more wiggly even being a lot less heavy.

I look in the mirror and I don't see a 58 year old. Maybe 45? Yeah, I'm being very kind with myself. But we never really feel our age, why should we believe we look our age too?

Either way, I'm rather proud that people believe I'm younger than I am. No, I don't believe I'm a "work of art," but I'm proud that people believe I've aged well.  All I know is, I'm no accident. I worked hard for everything I am at this moment. And, I am indeed proud...and content.

Perhaps, as David Bowie said, through this process this is the person I was always meant to be.

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Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Another Year Older

"I see no good reason to act my age."

~ Anonymous

I had a birthday last week. Or, as I say, the 29th anniversary of my 29th birthday. Yep, I'm 58.

There is a wonderful feeling that comes with my age at this moment - at least it has for me. I feel freer. I'm comfortable with who I am. I want for nothing, really. Oh, maybe a new car so I can give mine to my daughter now that she's turning 16, but that's just superficial stuff.

I would like to find a nice male companion, but I've been alone for so long that I'm good being alone too. I'm content. I'm content with where I am in my life. I'm content with who I am at this moment.

I love my friends and they seem to like me pretty much. I'm happy.

I don't know if I could have said that last year at this time.

I was still contemplating surgery and wouldn't have my surgery date for another few days back a year ago.  I was 95 pounds heavier. Out of shape, out of breath, almost out of life, out of hope, out of happiness.  Don't get me wrong, I played a good game. No one could really tell that I was as unhappy as I was a year ago.  I don't think I really even knew how unhappy I was then. But looking back it hits me like a ton of bricks. To know I just existed with no real life in my life.

But then I truly began listening to my friend, mentor, client who teaches women about living in their authentic-self and it all began to click. It all began to make such sense and I began to feel like I could be a better version of myself. I just had to peel away the layers - literally and figuratively.

I had to breath, allow to receive and open my heart.  And, as I peeled away the layers, as my body began to move again, as it shifted, changed and became stronger, I realized that age is just a number.

Your birthday is the anniversary of when you arrived on this earth. A reflection of the time you have been living - not a countdown to what you have left to live.

So live it! Be content. Be happy. Breath it all in and open to receive the fullness of life.

Happy anniversary to me!

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Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

An Amazing Path

"Happiness, Success, Excellence: They are not something you get for knowing the path; they are something you experience by walking the path."

~ Dr. Steve Maraboli

I'm feeling pretty good these days. It's amazing what you can do when you are good to your body. It's amazing how you feel when you feed it healthy and beneficial food. And, it's amazing how your mind and body respond when you are being mindful of what you eat, what you do and how you move.

On this journey, it's all been simply amazing. One step at a time.

Things, places, activities, people don't scare me anymore. My confidence level has increased along with my energy. I tell ya - it's amazing. Not much surprises me anymore of what I can do and how I can get there.

In fact, I was driving along the river road the other day. The first thing I thought of was how peaceful the trail looked and how I wanted to plan on walking the path in the coming week.  Then it dawned on me...the thought came crashing in my mind... I remember when I would look at that same trail and think to myself, "No way I could walk that path. How would I get back?"

Amazing how my thought process has shifted.

My 5K this month is the St. Paddy's Day run. It's not a 5K, but rather a 7K - 5 miles!!!  My first thought was "no way" but it slowly morphed in to "why not?" So I go slowly. So I stop and sit for a moment. So I may be the last one crossing the finish. So what? The point is to try. Why not?

I am walking my path in more ways than a 5K - or 7K for that matter.  It's one step at a time. One success at a time. One day at a time.

It truly has never been about knowing that the path was there. It is all about walking the path. Just get out there and walk your path. Walk YOUR path.

Trust me... it's amazing.

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Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Goals...Joy

"A Goal is a Dream with a Deadline."
~ Napoleon Hill

A couple of years ago a friend invited me as her guest to attend a Joy of Goals workshop. A full-day workshop that helps you discover your goals, the importance of making a list of goals and how to motivate you to work toward them. The day was filled with energy of a room full of dreamers and goal setters.

The goals, we were told, could be smallish (I want to walk the dog more often) or large (I want to buy my dream home).  Nothing was off limits. Goals weren't necessarily things we would expect right away. We were offering these aspirations to the Universe to see what would be returned - some day. At least the goals would be "out there."

A couple of years ago I was in a much, much different place in my life. I was floundering. I can admit it now, perhaps because I wasn't really sure where I was at the time. Looking back, I know exactly where I was. After all, hindsight is 20/20. All I knew then was that I was lonely and out of place. I was also out of breath and my body hurt from being so immobile and I had uncontrolled diabetes. I was going to have spinal surgery and I was in pain.

So... I was not in the best space, to say the least.

But, there I was with a pen in hand, a Goals workbook in front of me and 101 lines I needed to fill. I thought they were crazy. Eh, I'll play along.

It took me a while to get started. It was difficult for me to even start - I really don't wish things for myself. I'm usually helping others fulfill their goals or dreams. What in the world could I really want or need? So, I started small.

• Eat healthy.
• Exercise more.
• Walk more.

They all seemed like good goals to pursue - after all, I was in bad shape. If I didn't want those things I'd be crazy, right? What else?

• Participate in a 5K.
• Lose weight.
• Join a gym.
• Clear my diabetes and high blood pressure.

Ok... safe, future thinking.

• Build my at-home business.
• Save money.
• Go to more concerts and plays with my daughter.
• Audition for a musical.

Sounded pretty good.  I kept going.

• Plan a vacation.
• Visit my sister in Colorado.
• Go hiking.
• Make more friends and cultivate existing ones.
• Take my daughter to Mexico.
• Visit New York and see some shows.
• Meet men.

WAIT! What?

• Get married.

WTF?
Where the hell did that come from?

I'm not kidding. I actually wrote that down. And it took me by such surprise I didn't even know it was my hand that wrote it. However, I remembered, these goals aren't meant to be immediate - I'm throwing it out to the Universe. I wasn't worried. The Universe never sent me many men to begin with, and certainly none I ever wanted to marry.

Fast forward to this past weekend.

I attended my second Joy of Goals workshop on the invitation of the organizer, wonderful woman and self-proclaimed "Dream Champion." She has so much enthusiasm and belief in setting and achieving goals that you believe you can achieve anything you set your mind to.

I very proudly told her that of all my dreams from the first workshop I had achieved many that I never thought were possible.

Yes...I have lost weight. I exercise every day. I go to the gym. I completed my first 5K. I eat very healthy now. My diabetes is gone. My blood pressure is normal. And, I have been dating. Marriage is SO not on the horizon, but I am making more friends and getting out more.

I'm in my first musical in over 20 years! How's that for a goal fulfilled?

So, what's on the latest goal list?
Zipling. Horseback riding. Maybe skydiving.

And, marriage? It made the list again. But I'm not sure that's exactly what I want really. I'm having too much fun completing the other goals on my list.

I can fit on a rollercoaster now, ya know. And, I'm training for my first 10K!

I like goals!

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Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.