Am I Normal?

"If you're always trying to be normal, you'll never know how amazing you can be."

~ Maya Angelou

Wow... I was going to name this post "Online Dating, Part Whatever it is" but it's more than that really. Maybe it should be "Dating While Normal."

I've gone out on a few "meets" now - they aren't really dates, because these are more like meeting to see if you want to date. And, there's one thing I have found, I am a lot more normal than I thought I was.

I was reviewing my "meets" with a close friend and the more I described these meets the more I realized that there are a lot of interesting men out there. And by "interesting" I mean weird.

Now, I'm not a bad conversationalist. I'm a better listener, but I can hold my own during a conversation. Unfortunately, a lot of these men don't know how to communicate. It ends up being like an interview with me playing the hiring manager.

What activities do you enjoy? How often do you do them? Where have you vacationed? Do you like music? What type of music do you listen to? Really, you like dogs? Do you have any?

I don't believe I asked about your ex, so no, I really don't want to hear about your ex-wife - the entire evening!

It's exhausting.

And, then we have the man who said we didn't have any "spark" - I'm good with that. It's all good, we won't have a spark with everyone we meet. Truthfully, I didn't feel much of a connection either, but was willing to go out again. That first meeting is always difficult. So, no big deal, right?

Except, he keeps texting me that it's him, not me. That the distance was the issue. That he really wanted it to work, but he's sorry that it didn't. He would text me advice on how I could make my first meet with others better...because, you know, those men online are all alike and he was an expert.

It's okay, dude.  I'm perfectly ok. It's all good.  I'm not kidding.

He thought that I was just too passionate.  I'm Latina - I'm passionate. Deal.

But, he texted again, if we haven't found anybody in three months we could have sex.

Wait, what? Oh, hell no!

I have a few more dates lined up. One sounds promising. We'll see if he's close to being my level of normal. I can't be the only normal one out there!

Oh, gosh, at least I hope not!

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Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Online Dating...Sheesh Part 3

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." 

- Groucho Marx

I have come to the realization that men online truly enjoy playing darts. It's not necessarily in their description - dart playing - but they do.  Throwing their darts hither and yon trying to hit a bullseye whenever and where ever they can.

And, by darts, I mean their penis.

Now, I realize that dating and their sexual needs are different for men. Their {{ahem}} urges are right out there.  And, I can try to understand that if you've been searching online for a while and when you do actually see a woman in person, it can be overwhelming. I think.

I didn't say I did understand...just that I could try.  I couldn't.

But gracious! the number of men that I have been propositioned by online are endless. I may be a bit cute, but really...I'm not that gorgeous, beautiful, striking, or whatever other description they want to use to get my attention. Ok, maybe that doesn't get old, but you know what I mean.

And, if I'm called "dear" one more time! Ugh.

Stop telling me how kissable my lips are. Stop telling me that you could get lost in my eyes. Meet me in person first and lets see what we think.

Of course, I also get those men that think they are god's gift. Talk about playing darts.  That's all they want to do.

They want to send me pictures of their pecks, their six-pack, their... um, dart! They have told me about all the dart games they have played, like that is going to make me say, "break me off a piece of that!" I ask, if you're so wonderful and good looking and so good at hitting the bullseye, why are you online dating? I mean, what's really wrong with you?

I'm also asked if I would like to be friends with benefits. Could be a good option, but doesn't that mean we have to be friends first? Put that dart away. I'm not in to playing games.

I have been on a couple of meetings - not sure I can call them dates. One man was a year or two older than I. He was a sweet gentleman when we met. You could tell he was nervous, which made me try to be more calm to offset it. We had coffee, put his coat around my shoulders when I was cold, asked permission to give me a kiss at the end of the night. He talked about what he would like to do for our first date and wanted to be sure it was something I would enjoy. We talked for a good three hours through coffee then wine. We talked easily about work, children, his grand kids. He texted me making sure I got home safe. Texted about how great it was to meet me and how he couldn't wait for our date.......... then I never heard from him again. Nothing. Nada. Crickets.

Um, hello?

Of course, then I met a couple of men that as we are messaging back and forth come to realize that they just won't be able to meet my expectations. I get "your so much more sophisticated than me." Or, "you like all that fancy music, I don't think you'll like me because I like country." Or, some other nonsense. "I'm a simple man." That's always a good retort. Ok, my profile has all the music I enjoy and activities I enjoy and all that "sophisticated stuff" that I enjoy. Did you even read what I wrote before connecting with me?

I told myself to hold on until after the new year. I've only be online about 3 weeks. I just don't know how much longer I can put up with this - whatever this is - because it's not "dating."  I was supposed to have met a man last night and he messaged me and chickened out. That's ok I told him. Would you like to reschedule? "No," he tells me, "I don't think I'm ready for you."

Ready for me?

Ready for me?

Ready for me?

I don't get it.

Ready for me as a woman? Ready for me as a new acquaintance? Ready to date? Ready to shower and get out of the house? Ready to remove yourself from behind the computer and go in to the real world where you actually have to socialize and not pretend to be someone you're not so that you can attract people you don't know? Which one?

It was for a drink! We weren't going to get married! No commitment here. Sheesh!

But I guess it did save me an evening. Whatever!

A dear friend says that I need to remain Authentic.  Thank goodness I continue to try, even while online.  Even if I feel uncomfortable sometimes. Even if I get nervous. Because if they can't handle me online, goodness help them when we meet in person!

Another friend told me that I'm better than online dating.

I'm starting to believe her.

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Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Online Dating ...Sheesh Part 2

"Oh Lord Help Me!"

~ Carmen

So I've been online dating for a week. Seven days. Monday through Sunday. One full week.  I emphasize the length of time because I have been overwhelmed by fellow online daters wanting to make a connection. Within this time frame I have been inundated with men (at least that what they say they are) that want to meet me. 

And, boy do we have a plethora of characters reaching out to make a "deeper connection" online. 

One went right to the point of messaging me that he wanted to "please and be pleased." Um.... Excuse me? You don't even have a profile picture! I don't care if you say you have a PhD! Are you kidding? 

Next.

Another started off his message with "I didn't realize angels walked on this earth." I really was hoping that I didn't have to deal with cheesy opening lines - now I'm having them messaged to me! Ugh!

Next.

A guy asks, "I love coffee, do you like younger men?" I'm sorry, what? 

Oh please...next!

This gorgeous man (according to his profile pictures) that tells me he's looking for friends. Wonderful, I thought!  Me too!  Great, he responds. How about friends with benefits? WHAT?

Lord! Next!

Then there's the guy that immediately started calling me "my dearest."  "Good morning my dearest." "How is your day, my dearest?" "I'm thinking about you, my dearest." Followed with kiss, heart and rose emojis. For Heaven Sakes!!!  {{{shudder}}} 

Of course, there are all the men that sent a little "meet me" check mark - they don't even try! No message, just a little announcement via the app that says they want to meet me... Most have pictures, many don't. 

I took a deep breath. 

Picked the lesser of all the evils and took a leap. And, as he was the first to ask if we could meet - without the little app - I figured, let's do this. Get the first one out the way. Like a bandaid. 

I know, I know... not the best way to start this endeavor. 

I wasn't looking for anything promising really, anyway. Is it too much to ask for someone to use proper grammar and punctuation? Please no texting shortcuts in an email type message. Oy! Please try a little - a little effort. That's not too much to ask for, is it? 

A friend suggested we speak on the phone first. So we did.  

Oh. My. God.

Not the sharpest tool in the shed. We didn't meet. I just couldn't.

I'm not seeking an Adonis. I'm not seeking a genius. A gentleman, trusting, honest and loving. I would love kind eyes. Someone to have a decent conversation with over a cup of coffee or a glass of wine. 

There's a guy in Denver that has started messaging me. He's the most decent so far. We'll see what happens.

Maybe being single isn't so bad. 

Lord, help me!

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Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Dating Profiles - Sheesh!

"I want to be as beautiful as I can be - to myself first. Then to whomever has the sense to see me."
- Maya Angelou

So enough of the procrastinating already! It's been a while since I even mentioned the idea of joining Match.com. Every time we see a commercial for that dating service my daughter will remind me that I said I had a (small, minuscule) interest in joining. "When are you going to do it, mom?" "You said you were going to do it."

Sheesh. Why do I even talk to the kid?

Fine. I started looking in to different dating websites and apps. I asked around and got other women's opinions. And, I finally settled on one. Now, comes the fun part. Entering a description of my soul to entice others to want to click on my profile.

Gotta be honest. Not as fun as I thought it would be. I'm having a hard enough time trying to figure out who I am for myself, let alone who I am to market myself to others. Not to mention that I hate being judged.

After entering the usual - Female seeking Male, Age, Height, and such - I'm staring at the question of size. I'm not athletic. I could be considered Average. I do have a "little extra weight." Am I still BBW (Big Beautiful Woman) - which is shorthand for fat? I stared at my screen for a while on that question. Let's just skip it and come back.

Ok.

What's one word to describe you? Am I Artsy? Adventurous?  Ugh. Next question.

Do you smoke?  No.
Do you want children? No.
Do you own a car?  Yes. But why in the world would you want to know that? And, why do I have an option to "prefer not to respond" to that question?

Even though I have worked in marketing, this marketing of myself seems so odd and foreign to me.

Yes, my parents are living. Yes, they are still married. Yes, they had children. Five of them and I'm the oldest.

Weird. So very weird.

Offer a headline to your profile (ex; You looking for me?) Really? That's the example? "Come on, let's give this a whirl," and "What do you have to lose?" Came to mind.

Ok, let's come back to this one too.

Your First Date. Um, what? It says that the longer my description of a first date, the more likely it will get responses. Well, ok. Can't we just talk? My description isn't going to be that long. Conversation, perhaps over coffee? Done.

But the real kicker and the place where I have gotten stuck the most is in describing me. The site says that people will read both my profile and message when deciding if they should write back. It will be their first impression of me...Talk about myself, it says. My hobbies, my likes, my goals and aspirations. What makes me unique.

What do I say? I want to appear witty. Smart.

I want to be interesting. But I can't find the words. I want to be funny, but everything sounds stale. And it dawns on me - I'm not really all that interesting, am I?

I sought the help of a friend who has gone the dating site route before and she said I should stop "trying and just be."  Be what? I haven't been fit for human consumption for such a long time that I had to take myself off the shelf. Repackaging seems to be working, but the inside is the same. It's old and mushy and confused and scared.

Just be.

Gosh, I don't know how to talk to men anymore. Do I try to impress? Or be?

Writing should be easier, but I feel like I'm about to bait and switch someone once they meet me in person.

My friend suggested that I sleep on it and then write down the first thing that comes to me in the morning when my head is clearer. Problem. I didn't think of anything in the morning.

So, maybe I'm not as ready as I thought I was for this. I think I'll wait for a little while longer until I can find words to describe me.

What would you say? I'd love to know what you think. You'll be like my focus group. Tell me a word that helps describe me to you.

Better yet, do you know any single men that may want to have coffee with a not so BBW, working on athletic, kinda average, short Latina with a slight sense of humor? It would be better than a dating app anyway.

Let's see what comes to mind in the morning.

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Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Shedding

"Clutter isn't just in your home, attic, garage or office. Clutter is also in your mind, and distracts you from the amazing things you are meant to do."
- Katrina Mayer

I've gone shopping for clothes a bit more lately. I actually enjoy shopping now. Can't say that I truly enjoyed it much before - having to go out of my way to find Plus-Size stores. Then going through all the clothes that "designers" feel are what big women want. You know, muumuus, small tents, loud designs.

As my clothes hang on me I really do have to purchase new, smaller sized, clothes. And, of course, I have to get rid of the old ones to make room for the new smaller ones. Besides, I'm never, ever going back to that size again. So, why keep them?

I've already donated a lot of clothes, but kept what I could to wear. Now it is time that nothing I have is workable. Ten-plus years of clothes sitting on the front stoop waiting for the donation truck.  Ten-plus years of items that reflected who I was - big, colorful, loud, supposedly stylish. Ten-plus years of work skirts and shirts and jackets and vests and coats. Ten-plus years of jeans, and t-shirts and sweaters. Ten-plus years of sizes 28, 26, XXL, XXXL.

It feels like I'm shedding my skin as I see the piles and piles and bags and bags of clothes to have hauled away.

Shedding my skin has been a new adventure to be sure but it has helped me become real. And, I have found it hasn't stopped at clothes.  I'm shedding what no longer serves me in so many other ways too.

Books
Knick-Knacks
Bad Habits
Thoughts
Actions
Emotions
People

It's amazing the weight being lifted - in more ways than one, obviously.

Are my thoughts clearer without so much baggage? The un-cluttered spaces allowing room for new feelings and positive energy?

Yes! It's freeing. Liberating.

There's a new simplicity now. Even surrounded by counting, planning, chewing with purpose, mindful eating, I feel liberated in a new way.

I can see why snakes do it - what a great feeling to allow for further growth and find new amazing things to do with my life.

Disappearing

"Give light and the darkness with disappear of itself."
- Desiderius Erasmus

"You're disappearing!" a friend said the other day. Of course, it was a compliment to acknowledge the amount of weight I have lost.

But what an interesting reference. Disappearing is not my intended result. In fact, if I'm honest, it's quite the opposite.

I want to be seen, heard, found, acknowledged.

When you're big, it seems easier to disappear. You aren't noticed as much - even though you take up so much more room than other people. People seem to think that larger people are not as smart; dismissed as slow, lazy. We're not, of course. But I can see where that impression can be made.

And, when you are noticed it's for the simple fact that you are big - look at that slob or damn she's huge!

So, it seems that I am now disappearing to be seen. Interesting, isn't it?

I have been complimented often lately. People greet me as I'm walking around. Is it because I'm a smaller size now? Is it my sense of accomplishment on sticking with my plan?  Is it the endorphins that I find when exercising? I now lift my head up more rather than look down when walking. I feel better looking people in the eye when meeting them. I have a bounce to my step and a smile on my face a lot more lately.

So, while my body is disappearing, my confidence is growing.

Take a look at that!

Tiny

"True life is lived when tiny changes occur."
- Leo Tolstoy

I was just called "tiny" this morning by my neighbor.

"Oh my, you're so tiny!" she exclaimed from her porch as I got out of my car.

It startled me. I think I said "thanks," but I'm not quite sure, really.

She continued the conversation by asking, "how many?," referring to how much I have lost. I told her. But the word was still in my head. "Tiny."

I was surprised. Never in my days have I been referred to as "tiny." Not even my feet have been called tiny. My brain can't wrap itself around that description for me. In my head I'm still big.

I told my mom about what was said, and we laughed. Hmmm.

Just as I thought - my being "tiny" is laughable. Silly? Odd? I can't even type the word without using quotation marks. Like it really isn't real. Just an idea.

Is it farfetched that I could possibly be "tiny?"

My neighbor must have felt my disbelief at the word because she said "you do have a small frame."

Ok. That explains it. Right?

It's not my body that's tiny as much; it's that I'm short in stature. That makes more sense, right?

Why can't I accept the word and idea of "tiny?" It's like when a friend I hadn't seen in a long time kept saying how "amazing" I looked.

"You look amazing!" he said.  "Thank you," I replied.  "No, really, you look amazing!" I guess I just didn't look like I believed him. And, perhaps I didn't. "Truly, you look so amazing!" Ok. Ok.

Being tiny or amazing was never on my radar as a goal. Healthy. Comfortable. Happy. Those are my goals.

I've always been called "fat, slob, huge." The words "tiny and amazing" were never in the vocabulary to describe me and my body before. It's going to take some time to switch my thinking in more positive terms.

I'll get there. The tiny changes will be amazing in the long run.