Clean Your Plate

"Anyone Can Workout for an Hour, But to Control What Goes On Your Plate the Other 23 Hours...That's Hard Work!"
- Anonymous

Every parent made you finish your plate for dinner before you got up from the table to go play. Ours did. I also remember them saying we needed to finish whatever we served ourselves. And, of course when you're  hungry your eyes are always bigger than your stomach. I didn't mind - I always cleaned my plate.

It's so different now and it's weird.

I just started my third week. It's time for soft foods (soft baked fish, mashed potatoes, soft cheese, canned veggies and canned fruit).

So, I have a plate of food now. Nothing fancy. My first breakfast was a scrambled egg and a cheese stick. Dinner? Baked Tilapia and a 1/2 cup of canned green beans.

After drinking my meals for the last three weeks this was a welcomed change! I got to chew again.

But, trying to find my full point has become harder. I chewed my food 20 times as is recommended. I took 20 minutes to finish my meal, as is recommended. Before with the liquids I felt comfortable when I hiccuped or had a runny nose and I would stop eating.  This time I didn't feel anything. No cues or clues. And, I finished my plate. Was I full? I could continue eating.

Was it because I was actually eating food? I could see the food on the plate. This is my first real food in a couple of weeks. I couldn't leave any behind.

A friend recommended cognitive behavioral therapy a few days ago and, while I thought I could wait for a while, I think it may be time. I want to be sure I know when to stop eating rather than to continue to finish my plate at every sitting.

Let's face it - food is an addiction. I'm an addict. And, I need to know my triggers so I can avoid them. I can't, after all, avoid food. It's nourishment. But, I can learn to control how I eat and what goes on my plate. That's what I am learning now. I just need to add some CBT to learn how to stop.

I have to learn how to remove my feelings from food.  I need to learn to find satisfaction in other activities and areas in my life without food. This blog is helping to be sure. But there has to be other things outside of my head. Drawing? Gardening? Singing? Acting?

I'll find it. I will. Slowly but surely.

But, everyone can use a little help. CBT may be the help I need. Now to find where to go. It will be hard work. I'm ready.

Down 25 pounds.

Half way to 30

"And Tho She Be Little, She Is Fierce."
- Shakespeare

I adore my daughter. She is a mini-me - literally.

She looks like me, acts a lot like me, has similar wit, interests and hair like me. She has an appetite like me. She is also so very gifted - I can't claim that too well. Where I can sing and act, and made a profession of it for a long time, my kid is beyond what I ever could have done or aspired to do.

And, she is growing in to a wonderful young lady. She makes me very proud.

It's was her birthday yesterday. She's 15. Or as she says, she's half way to 30! Yikes! She's closer to 30 than she thinks, the way her mind works.

My mom has told me for the last 14 years that I needed to get healthy for my daughter. Offer the sacrifice of not eating for my daughter. Lose weight for my daughter.

True. My entire life pretty much revolves around my daughter - driving her from one thing to another. Supporting her in all the activities, plays and music she enjoys. Anyone who knows me knows that. But, go through all this just for her seems futile.

This journey is for me. Selfish, I know. But it has to be. It's time I do this just for me.

I have tried to lose weight for other things in the past - theater roles, boyfriends, a fancy dress. These types of goals aren't for me. I'll lose the weight for a while, but it would all come back. Or I'd never lose any, but gain  - just out of spite.

However, saying all that, I hope that my daughter will learn and be proud of my effort. I hope that when she recognizes how hard I am trying through this she learns determination and self-love. I hope she learns self-respect and courage. And see that hard work - at whatever age - can bring about a healthy lifestyle and confidence.

And, I hope she learns that she too should be selfish sometimes. She jokes that her friend group call her the "mom" because they can go to her for advice or support. I hope she learns from what I am doing that she doesn't have to do things for everyone all the time. Because there are times you need to do things by yourself, for yourself. Find that fine line between selfish and self-less. As I have learned from a good friend - find balance, be gentle, kind and supportive of you.

But, I especially hope she doesn't wait until she's closer to 60 to figure that out as I seem to have.

Happy Birthday my lovely. my wish for you is the same for me - all the joy, health and happiness imaginable.

Emotional

"I Was Blessed with the Best Siblings I Never Knew I Needed."

-Carmen



Gosh my siblings drive me nuts!

Anyone with siblings knows... they can be a handful sometimes. Especially when you're the oldest of the bunch.

But I cherish them more than they could ever know. And, being the oldest makes me want to protect and support them as much as I possibly can.

I remember helping them with their homework when we were younger. Any paper, report, resume, or important letter - I would get a call. Even now when my nieces and nephews need some help, who do you think my siblings have them call? Yep. Me.

I wouldn't have it any other way. I'd do anything for them.

That's what makes this so hard now. My sister Tish has cancer. And, not any ordinary cancer. She has Colangiocarcinoma - bile duct cancer.  We'd never heard of it either. Very rare.

I guess that's fitting. My sister isn't ordinary either. A rare breed of strength and love. Generous and happy. Always laughing. Always busy. Always doing for others. The life of the party, of our family of any group she is involved in.

I love my sister.

Watching her go through this fight and not being able to do anything to fix it is hard to do. I can't imagine being her husband. Feeling helpless sucks. Cancer sucks.

And, now I can't even eat my way out of feeling all this suckiness.

I keep Tish company during her treatments at Siteman and would sit there eating through all the snacks they have for the patients in weeks past. Cheetos, Sugar Cookies, Oreos, Fritos. You name it. It was great. The basket is always full. Tish and I will sit and chat, trying to ignore the pumps and tubes leading the chemo going in and out of her. I bring her lunch. We eat. I felt like I was helping while helping myself to food to keep my feelings down and in check.

No more snacks now. I am feeling it all full scale. No food to hide behind anymore.

And it hurts. Bad.

Went to Relay for Life last night. The luminary ceremony did me in.

I sat there realizing all the people I know and love having gone through this torture - my dad and sister-in-law that have beaten cancer's ass, my sister and good friend fighting the good fight, and my good friend and neighbor whose family members have gotten their angel wings in the last couple of years.

Cancer sucks.

I hate that my sister is going through this and I can't do a damned thing about it but walk around a damn track. And, really I can't even do that!

This event is a party of sorts with food everywhere and I can't do that either!

I had to leave. It was cold anyway. I was done.

I love my sister.

Grateful and Thankful

"Never Let the Things You Want Make You Forget the Things You Have."
- Anonymous

Thank you to everyone who have sent positive thoughts, positive energy, positive messages, and positive prayers. How wonderful to know so many people have reached out to offer encouragement and support.

One of you wonderful friends mentioned to me that although I have to watch for things that I CAN'T have now, I must not forget all the things that I DO have.

And, he's right.

And, I do. In fact, I believe it's because of what I do have that I have taken this step.

I have my DAUGHTER - my lovely, wonderful, witty, bubbly, smart, talented, daughter.

I have my FAMILY.  Bound together by such a strong love and understanding. Unbreakable support and encouragement. Tremendous honesty and loyalty.

Anyone who knows us, knows we are extremely close. I'm the oldest of five, and four of the five of us live only a couple miles or less from each other. We get together almost every weekend. They are my primary social circle - and I wouldn't have it any other way. Whatever happens we are there for each other. Always.

I have my PARENTS. My amazing mom and dad - Momo and Papi - strong, stoic, faithful, with undying love and support for each of us. Our example for starting strong families of our own.

And, I have all of YOU. I'm thankful for your reminding me what I have in YOU. I am ever so grateful for all your kind words of encouragement. Checking up on me. Offering suggestions and help.

While I am going through this journey for me - learning what I can and cannot eat, I know exactly what I have that's important. And, I am ever so grateful for all of it - all the time.

Week 2: full liquids;  down 22 pounds

I'm Full When?

"Satiety (sa-TIE-e-tee) is that wonderful pleasant feeling of fullness you get when you eat, when you're no longer hungry, but aren't overly stuffed or uncomfortable.  You're just satisfied beyond desire." 

-Becky Han

I've really never known the feeling of being "full."

Being satisfied when having a meal or snack just never came to mind. I was full when my plate was empty and I could go back for more.  And, after leaping past the moment of fullness, I'd eat "one more bite" because my mind hadn't kept up with the rest of me and my need for satisfaction. 

Being satisfied was eating what I wanted when I wanted it. And, look where it got me. I am 5' 1-1/2" tall and was 285 pounds.  There. I said it. Two Hundred Eight-Five Pounds.

Damn.

I had lost and gained and lost and gained so much throughout the years. But I was never satisfied. Nor was I ever truly happy.

Being full was never a "wonderful pleasant feeling of fullness" for me. It was a feeling of fleeting satisfaction followed by discomfort and shame for having overate - again.

What will full or satisfied feel like now? I don't want to stretch my smaller stomach and using visual cues to stop eating never worked for me in the past! So, I went to the support boards and Facebook pages for info. Seems that folks have different triggers to let them know they were full. Gurgling stomach, gas, a runny nose (I'm not making that up).

How will I ever know I am satisfied? 

So there I was, at dinner, taking a bite of my jello and my nose began to run. I took another bite, not really thinking about it and my stomach started to gurgle.

And, I stopped.

And, I realized - I'm satisfied! I'm not overly full. I'm not uncomfortable. I'm satisfied!

And, it did make me truly happy.

PS: As of this morning - I have lost 19.1 pounds!  In one week. 

Just Try

 "Every Accomplishment Starts with the Decision to Try."
- Brian Littrell

I love coffee. No, really. I LOVE coffee. So, imagine my delight when I saw that decaf coffee was allowed on my week one liquid diet.

Sure. I would have to drink it black, but hey; beggars can't be choosers. The only liquids I have had these last four days have been protein shakes, protein drinks and jello. Not even broth tasted good. But, coffee...Ahhhh.

So, this morning I had a cup of decaf coffee for the first time since surgery. Delish. Loved it.

Unfortunately, the coffee didn't like me much. My stomach decided to make a big to-do about having something new in my system. Both of us weren't very happy with that.

It got me started thinking of all the "new" things I would have to eventually try. My first bite of "real" food in the form of a pureed soup. Thin oatmeal. Applesauce. Yogurt.

Then moving on to solid food.

I've never really been afraid of new things in the past, but...now I'm hesitant.

Tastes are different already. Smells are different. My choices will all be different.

The amount of food will absolutely be different.

But different is good. Right? Different will get me on my way to a healthy way of being.

This whole endeavor is something new I'm trying. Losing weight was never as successful as it could have been or stuck with me as I would have hoped. But trying new things now has taken on a new meaning.

This "new thing" is a permanent part of me. It's kind of scary thinking of all the differences ahead of me.

And, that's ok. Because if it scares you, it might be a good thing to try.

Besides, every decision starts with a decision to try.

This is my biggest decision of my life. Aside from trying the coffee this morning.

Happiness is Deciding

"The Groundwork for All Happiness is Health."
- Leigh Hunt

I chose this surgery because I choose happiness. I chose freedom to do what my body was meant to do and has not had the capability to do for a long, long time.

So, in a sense I do choose happiness. But I do so through health.

Today is the third day after surgery. I'm still a bit tired. A bit woozy. No more pain. But the gas! Lord be, the gas!

I was kicking myself because I couldn't finish more than 40 grams of protein yesterday. Minimum is 60. Optimum is 80 - 100. I just couldn't stomach another swallow. The nausea was overwhelming.

My sister reminded me - it's only your second day! So true. I've got to lay the groundwork first. She's always so wise.

The family celebrated her and my brother's April birthdays yesterday. The cooking in the house - the smells. I was worried I couldn't be around them. And, some of that was true, but only a little bit. I came out of my room while everyone was eating. My stomach was so full with the protein the food on the table didn't bother me at all. I'm sure that will change. But one step at a time. Lay the groundwork.

Took a couple of walks that helped with the gas. My neighbor helped get me to the store for vitamins and such - couldn't drive yesterday just yet.

Today, more walking and a trip to the bank. Moving and grooving. Already got one protein shake down. Drank a cup of decaf coffee - so good! And, more walking.

Laying the groundwork.

I've decided. I choose happiness.