Favorite Feeling in the World

"Life is like a theatre, but the question is not if you are in the audience or on the stage, but rather whether you are where you want to be?"

~ A.B. Potts

I am where I want to be - that is for sure! I love being on stage!

I had forgotten.

I had a flashback before hitting the stage a few weeks ago for a preview show. I remembered stepping on stage the first time when I was in High School.  I had a solo in a Christmas show.  I was nervous. I was unsure of myself.

What would people say? What would people think? I'm too fat to be in the spotlight! I'm not good enough to sing this song! What if I can't remember all the words? Will they laugh? I'll be fat and a horrible singer!

I can't remember how I sang, but I remember how I felt.

I felt wonderful! Warm. Embraced. Loved. Accepted.

When I was younger I never really felt accepted.  I was overweight. Timid in a way. Unsure of myself. With that one solo, I found how to be accepted. People looked beyond my weight and focused on my ability. I cherished it!

I suddenly became "the singer" - oh, you're that singer! I always use to be the chubby one, or the fat one. But I was now "The Singer!"

I can handle that!

So, I threw myself into performing. Musicals at school. Solos in the choir. The singer in a high school big band. Whatever I could do I did. It gave me the confidence to try out for cheerleading. Because, you know, who doesn't want "the singer" on your cheerleading squad?

Went to college for musical theatre. Did summer stock. Was asked to go to New York and jumped at the chance. But, when I got to NYC I was told I was too ethnic. Maybe if I lost some weight.

Ummm...how does getting thinner make me less ethnic?

But I persevered.  Got in a broadway show ... that closed before it actually opened. I know, just my luck. And, I came home.

I did try my hand at community theatre when I returned to St. Louis, but the goofy spring blossoms messed up my sinuses.  I constantly lost my voice. I couldn't sing. And, I suddenly lost my identity.

I wasn't a singer anymore. I was just fat.

I tried being as bold as I thought I use to be. People believed me too.  To this day people believed I had a lot of confidence. Well... I am an actress after all.  I kept up the facade. I spoke well in front of people. I smiled and powered through. But, I really was hiding. I hid behind my size. No one can hurt me if I stay well padded.

No one except me. I was hurting myself. Thank goodness I finally said "ENOUGH!"

Fast forward to earlier in the month...

I have never had so much fun as when I was with the creative team at Take Two Productions and the wonderfully talented cast of It Shoulda Been You.

I know it has been a bit since the show opened, but the feeling remains. A glow, an energy, a peace that I haven't felt in a long time. Something I want to hold on to and want to repeat again and again.

I realize that this particular cast, in this particular show, at this particular time, will be a one-of-a-kind experience that I will never replicate. But darn if I won't keep trying! It was that good.

I wasn't hiding. It was all me on stage. After 20 years of not stepping on stage, I returned with a vengeance! And, it was the most fun I have every had!

And, I'm not stopping.  Up next...

I have been cast as Abuela Claudia in R-S Theatrics production of In The Heights!

I'm not padded.  I'm not hiding.  It's all me on stage. I'm where I want to be!

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Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Love/Hate Relationship With Aging

"Aging is an extraordinary process where you become the person you always should have been."

~ David Bowie

There was a shock on the face of my date the other night when I told him how old I was. It's not something I usually bring up in conversation, but he made the wrong assumption and I wanted to correct him; after I thanked him profusely for saying I was 8 years younger than I truly was.

I told him it was a grand compliment and he can continue to think I'm 50 all he wants. However, I also told him that I was very proud of my age.

I've earned my wrinkles. I've earned my scars. I've earned my gray hair.  I've also earned what I need to purchase my box of hair color to hide all that gray - I mean, come on...

But it also made me think... I guess I do have this love/hate relationship with aging. I know I have written how content I am in my life and my age right now. And, I am. But, my age is starting to show. While I have lost weight my skin is not bouncing back as I'd like. I'm a lot more wiggly even being a lot less heavy.

I look in the mirror and I don't see a 58 year old. Maybe 45? Yeah, I'm being very kind with myself. But we never really feel our age, why should we believe we look our age too?

Either way, I'm rather proud that people believe I'm younger than I am. No, I don't believe I'm a "work of art," but I'm proud that people believe I've aged well.  All I know is, I'm no accident. I worked hard for everything I am at this moment. And, I am indeed proud...and content.

Perhaps, as David Bowie said, through this process this is the person I was always meant to be.

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Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Another Year Older

"I see no good reason to act my age."

~ Anonymous

I had a birthday last week. Or, as I say, the 29th anniversary of my 29th birthday. Yep, I'm 58.

There is a wonderful feeling that comes with my age at this moment - at least it has for me. I feel freer. I'm comfortable with who I am. I want for nothing, really. Oh, maybe a new car so I can give mine to my daughter now that she's turning 16, but that's just superficial stuff.

I would like to find a nice male companion, but I've been alone for so long that I'm good being alone too. I'm content. I'm content with where I am in my life. I'm content with who I am at this moment.

I love my friends and they seem to like me pretty much. I'm happy.

I don't know if I could have said that last year at this time.

I was still contemplating surgery and wouldn't have my surgery date for another few days back a year ago.  I was 95 pounds heavier. Out of shape, out of breath, almost out of life, out of hope, out of happiness.  Don't get me wrong, I played a good game. No one could really tell that I was as unhappy as I was a year ago.  I don't think I really even knew how unhappy I was then. But looking back it hits me like a ton of bricks. To know I just existed with no real life in my life.

But then I truly began listening to my friend, mentor, client who teaches women about living in their authentic-self and it all began to click. It all began to make such sense and I began to feel like I could be a better version of myself. I just had to peel away the layers - literally and figuratively.

I had to breath, allow to receive and open my heart.  And, as I peeled away the layers, as my body began to move again, as it shifted, changed and became stronger, I realized that age is just a number.

Your birthday is the anniversary of when you arrived on this earth. A reflection of the time you have been living - not a countdown to what you have left to live.

So live it! Be content. Be happy. Breath it all in and open to receive the fullness of life.

Happy anniversary to me!

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Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

An Amazing Path

"Happiness, Success, Excellence: They are not something you get for knowing the path; they are something you experience by walking the path."

~ Dr. Steve Maraboli

I'm feeling pretty good these days. It's amazing what you can do when you are good to your body. It's amazing how you feel when you feed it healthy and beneficial food. And, it's amazing how your mind and body respond when you are being mindful of what you eat, what you do and how you move.

On this journey, it's all been simply amazing. One step at a time.

Things, places, activities, people don't scare me anymore. My confidence level has increased along with my energy. I tell ya - it's amazing. Not much surprises me anymore of what I can do and how I can get there.

In fact, I was driving along the river road the other day. The first thing I thought of was how peaceful the trail looked and how I wanted to plan on walking the path in the coming week.  Then it dawned on me...the thought came crashing in my mind... I remember when I would look at that same trail and think to myself, "No way I could walk that path. How would I get back?"

Amazing how my thought process has shifted.

My 5K this month is the St. Paddy's Day run. It's not a 5K, but rather a 7K - 5 miles!!!  My first thought was "no way" but it slowly morphed in to "why not?" So I go slowly. So I stop and sit for a moment. So I may be the last one crossing the finish. So what? The point is to try. Why not?

I am walking my path in more ways than a 5K - or 7K for that matter.  It's one step at a time. One success at a time. One day at a time.

It truly has never been about knowing that the path was there. It is all about walking the path. Just get out there and walk your path. Walk YOUR path.

Trust me... it's amazing.

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Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Goals...Joy

"A Goal is a Dream with a Deadline."
~ Napoleon Hill

A couple of years ago a friend invited me as her guest to attend a Joy of Goals workshop. A full-day workshop that helps you discover your goals, the importance of making a list of goals and how to motivate you to work toward them. The day was filled with energy of a room full of dreamers and goal setters.

The goals, we were told, could be smallish (I want to walk the dog more often) or large (I want to buy my dream home).  Nothing was off limits. Goals weren't necessarily things we would expect right away. We were offering these aspirations to the Universe to see what would be returned - some day. At least the goals would be "out there."

A couple of years ago I was in a much, much different place in my life. I was floundering. I can admit it now, perhaps because I wasn't really sure where I was at the time. Looking back, I know exactly where I was. After all, hindsight is 20/20. All I knew then was that I was lonely and out of place. I was also out of breath and my body hurt from being so immobile and I had uncontrolled diabetes. I was going to have spinal surgery and I was in pain.

So... I was not in the best space, to say the least.

But, there I was with a pen in hand, a Goals workbook in front of me and 101 lines I needed to fill. I thought they were crazy. Eh, I'll play along.

It took me a while to get started. It was difficult for me to even start - I really don't wish things for myself. I'm usually helping others fulfill their goals or dreams. What in the world could I really want or need? So, I started small.

• Eat healthy.
• Exercise more.
• Walk more.

They all seemed like good goals to pursue - after all, I was in bad shape. If I didn't want those things I'd be crazy, right? What else?

• Participate in a 5K.
• Lose weight.
• Join a gym.
• Clear my diabetes and high blood pressure.

Ok... safe, future thinking.

• Build my at-home business.
• Save money.
• Go to more concerts and plays with my daughter.
• Audition for a musical.

Sounded pretty good.  I kept going.

• Plan a vacation.
• Visit my sister in Colorado.
• Go hiking.
• Make more friends and cultivate existing ones.
• Take my daughter to Mexico.
• Visit New York and see some shows.
• Meet men.

WAIT! What?

• Get married.

WTF?
Where the hell did that come from?

I'm not kidding. I actually wrote that down. And it took me by such surprise I didn't even know it was my hand that wrote it. However, I remembered, these goals aren't meant to be immediate - I'm throwing it out to the Universe. I wasn't worried. The Universe never sent me many men to begin with, and certainly none I ever wanted to marry.

Fast forward to this past weekend.

I attended my second Joy of Goals workshop on the invitation of the organizer, wonderful woman and self-proclaimed "Dream Champion." She has so much enthusiasm and belief in setting and achieving goals that you believe you can achieve anything you set your mind to.

I very proudly told her that of all my dreams from the first workshop I had achieved many that I never thought were possible.

Yes...I have lost weight. I exercise every day. I go to the gym. I completed my first 5K. I eat very healthy now. My diabetes is gone. My blood pressure is normal. And, I have been dating. Marriage is SO not on the horizon, but I am making more friends and getting out more.

I'm in my first musical in over 20 years! How's that for a goal fulfilled?

So, what's on the latest goal list?
Zipling. Horseback riding. Maybe skydiving.

And, marriage? It made the list again. But I'm not sure that's exactly what I want really. I'm having too much fun completing the other goals on my list.

I can fit on a rollercoaster now, ya know. And, I'm training for my first 10K!

I like goals!

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Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Contentment

"Your only obligation in any lifetime is be true to yourself."
~ Richard Bach

I went out with a nice man the other night. During a conversation on politics he made a comment, "you don't have to agree with me." It made me pause for a moment and question myself and his statement. Am I agreeing with him? If so, why? To make a good impression? To be compliant? Hmmmm.

I know that my personality is normally to not make waves. But, I'm also opinionated. Yep, it's confusing. I always try to speak my truth - yet remain diplomatic. It's extremely difficult to walk that line, but folks seem to think I do a good job doing so.

However, when he made this statement I wondered how often I come across as inauthentic. How often do I swerve from my true self to make others comfortable, make me seem more agreeable or try to impress.

Trying to impress for an actress or singer is nothing new. But, as a person, in a personal setting...let's just say trying to impress doesn't go well sometimes. I seem to make a bigger fool of myself than remain my true-self.

As our world changes around us - so very quickly lately - I find I want to make more waves and not be so compliant. Not to make a good impression of myself, but impress on those around me how out of whack things have been getting. (If you follow politics you know what I'm talking about.)

I've been somewhat of a rebel most of my life. I never really liked people telling me what to do or what to say. That's probably why - much to my mother's chagrin - that I never really liked going to church. Or, enjoyed any religion for that matter. Don't tell me how to live my life, what to think, how to pray, or who I pray to! Which makes it surprising that I'm very comfortable taking direction from a director - but that's another story.  Anyway... Unfortunately, women have been told what to do their entire lives. Haven't they?

Men always made the rules. Men always had the power. It's gotten to the point where women aren't sure what they are supposed to do. And, when we see a woman exert her opinion, strength or power, she's a bitch or bossy.  So many women, when asked, voted how they voted or believed what they do because their husbands or fathers influenced their beliefs. In fact, women have been told what to do and say and think for such a long time that it's taken the world by surprise that we actually have a voice. We don't have to be seen as manipulative when trying to "get our way" anymore. Look at the sea of women with their pink pussy hats collectively exerting their voice in recent days. My sister and I were among those here in our hometown.

Any of my friends on Facebook know that I don't shy away from voicing my opinion anymore. And, as I told this nice man and others I have met along the dating journey of my life - I'm content with where I am and who I am at this point in my life. I don't necessarily need a man to "complete me" but certainly want the companionship of a partner.

I'm not out to impress... I like being true to my self. I want to impress others with my authentic me!

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Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.

Welcome 2017

Happy New Year! 
Happy New Me! 
Happy New Adventures!
And, Good Riddance to 2016
- Carmen


Last year was tough.

Let's put aside the election. And, all the celebrities we lost.

Our family lost an important part of us: my sister. Christmas was her favorite time of year. Let alone that her birthday falls smack in the middle of Christmas and New Years (she would have been 51) - the end of the year has always been one big celebration!  Her death was our first true loss and such a huge one at that.  So huge that a big part of our family decided to get away for the holidays. We took off to Colorado and invaded my baby sister's house.

I was anxious about going to Colorado for a few reasons. First, I was worried of my sarcoidosis. Sarcoidosis is an inflammatory disease that affects multiple organs in your body, but mostly the lungs and lymph glands (around the chest).  As you all know, we need our lungs at full capacity to breath - especially, in high altitudes. So, I was hesitant to go to the "mile-high State."

Second, I'm doing so well on my new lifestyle and eating habits. I haven't had much in terms of carbs - no bread, cookies, pastries - you know the stuff that surrounds you while on vacation during Christmas. And, I walk... at least a couple of miles a day. How was I going to get that in, let alone in the altitude?

I discovered a couple of things on our holiday in Colorado.

First. Sarcoidosis can Suck It! I went for a 2.5 mile walk on the trails behind my sister's house in Highland Ranch. Most. Every. Day.

The mountains! The fresh air! How refreshing to be able to go walk in such a serene setting. But... DAMN! those hills! You know what? I did it! I didn't walk every day - we were busy going to and from great adventures, but I did walk most days.

And, carbs? I discovered that carbs won't kill me. Yes I had a cookie (or two) and a piece of bread (or two), but I'm still standing. And, I also had a glass of wine (or two). It's all good. At home I'm back to how I ate before - very limited to no carbs. I like it better that way. No bloating.

We also went for a hike... Up big steep climbs. And, I climbed up a rock and walked through the brush and did things I hadn't done in a long, long time. And, did them with relative ease.

We even went to one of the highest locations in Denver to go skiing - well, I didn't ski (my knees wouldn't put up with it). But, I was there. And, I was walking around and I was outside in the cold air and I was having fun!

I was having fun!  Being physical. Outdoors. Me.

At one point in my life - like early last year - I wouldn't have even thought I would be having so much fun going for a long walk. Thinking of hiking over a mile (heck, I wouldn't even think of walking to get the mail!). But that's me now!

I completed my first 5K in December. The Hot Chocolate Run! And, now I'm hooked.  I've signed up for a 5K each month! That should keep me busy for a while! Thank heaven for my darling niece and Goddaughter for joining me on these 5K adventures!

I hope to work my way up to a 10K by October!  Eek!
I'm starting Cross Fit at the end of the month and will try my hand at aerial Pilates! What?! As my BFF has asked - Who ARE You?!

Add to all that wonderful schtuff... I have been cast in my first musical in over 20 years!  That's right! I'm taking the stage again.  My daughter is no longer the only thespian in the house. Of course, she's in two musicals simultaneously, but more on that later.

I'm in one. It ShouldA Been You with Take Two Productions. And, it's more than enough for me. We begin rehearsing next week!

Crazy.

And, now for the final thought for this year's first blog post... I'm down 90 pounds.  Yep! I can't believe it either.

I'm grateful you have been with me on this journey.  You guys help keep me focused. You guys help keep me honest. You guys help keep me going.

Thanks for reading.  Thanks for listening and thanks for being there for me.

Here's to a wonderful and active 2017!

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Carmen Garcia writes about stuff... life as a single mother, dating, weight loss, performing, and other random experiences. Sometimes it makes sense. Other times, not so much. You decide.