Feeling Great and Feeling Guilt

"Pisces are prone to feeling guilty for things that may not even be in their control."
- Unknown

The feeling of guilt is horrible. And, I feel guilty.

I know it doesn't make sense. I'm not a rational person. I'm a Pisces, after all. We're never really rational.

We're compassionate. We're devoted. We're imaginative. But, we're also self-pitying, oversensitive, and feel the pain of others.

I am loving my weight loss and the strides I'm making, don't get me wrong. But, it's hard to not feel guilty of my success knowing my sister is fighting a life-threatening disease.

My sister just got back from Colorado where she was entered in to a new clinical trial. Her type of cancer is so rare that it was the only trial available. There were only 4 spaces left when she called. Luckily, she's in. So, I'm happy she is getting treatment - any treatment - that can potentially extend her time with us.

I jump on the scale and I see weight being lost. I put on smaller shorts and happy they fit. I am happy for my progress. But then I hear from my sister how she is having 10 pounds of fluids extracted from her body and she is being given a higher dose of pain medication. How can I be happy for my success when her's is so much more important. My journey is minute in comparison to her struggle.

I see my sister in pain. I hate it.

I see my sister in torment with thoughts of this cancer. I loathe it.

I see her family in turmoil. I can't fix it.

I feel guilty for becoming healthier - and I know it doesn't have anything to do with her journey. It doesn't make sense. But, I can't help it. I'm the oldest. I should be taking care of her.

It's one of those - why her and not me? questions. Why her, period?

But, no one knows the journey we are to take in our lives. Every person's is different. We just take it one day at a time. One moment at a time. Living in the present has never been more important to me, to us, to our family than it is now.

Questioning doesn't really help, does it? Whether I am feeling great or feeling guilty.

So, I'm happy for my progress. I'm happy that my sister is getting treatment. And, I'm happy we are spending time together - now.

I already have enough weight to crush me. I can't allow guilt to do the same. For however much guilt I feel.

I love my sister.

Let's Dance

"Find fitness in fun dancing. It is fun and makes you forget about the dreaded exercise."
- Paula Abdul

I use to dance as often as I could. I made a decent partner - dancing to blues, tropicales, merenge - didn't matter. I loved it!

I would also dance all by myself in clubs given the chance. I did Jazzercize for a time as exercise too. Just moving to music was so freeing and fun.

But, as I got bigger and my knees got tired of carrying all the weight on my body, I stopped. At one point I blew out my knee dancing and I felt my dancing days were over.

The weight piled on and I sat more than moved. And the weight piled on even more. I sat for years...and years...and years.

All those years - I missed dancing. Of course, I didn't do anything about it. And, chair dancing? I gave up. My knees had surgery and I really stopped moving. Of course, that was more of an excuse than a reason, but that was my story and I stuck to it.

So now I have dropped some weight and am back to moving. My knees are getting use to walking and bending. My bad knee still has its moments of pain, but I can get through it pretty well.

A few weeks ago good friends gave me their Xbox. I hooked it up. Another good friend let me borrow their dancing game. I put it in. I love my friends for their generosity and love! I love to dance!

I don't necessarily get through a full song, but darn if I don't try! I just adore closing my eyes and moving, swaying, raising my arms in time to the music. Freeing my mind and getting in to the music like I use to. And, my body is loving it too.

I look forward to the times I can put in the dance games and move.

I also walk to music too. The beat keeps me going, and going. I have to be careful because I find I sometime close my eyes to get in to the music and I'm still walking. It's infectious.

All those years wasted sitting still. All those years wasted stuffing my face and being immobile. Making excuses. Not dancing. Not moving.

No more! I may stumble on sometimes, but I keep going now. No more sitting still.

Gosh, I love to dance! It's become more than exercise. What a wonderful freeing feeling again.

Won't you join me?

In the words of Justin Timberlake:
I can't stop this feeling,
So keep dancing!

Cleaning Closets

"Eliminate the unnecessary."
-Unknown

My mom and I took my daughter shopping for a new dress. She has a recital and my mom wants to be sure she is dressed nicely. We all went to my mom's favorite store, Kohl's. This use to be my daughter's playground when my mom watched her when she was little. My mom loves this place.

Me? Not so much. I could never find anything that fit there. The Women's section was full of large sized clothes, but never big enough for me. So, I never went there unless we were looking for my daughter's clothes.

So, there we were. Going through a ton of clothes looking for that one great dress.

As we were heading to the dressing room and passing the Women's section I grabbed a pair of size 22 shorts. You know. Just for grins.  I had a pair of size 22 shorts for whatever reason in my drawer and they fit, so why not try on a new pair.

My daughter and I got in to the same dressing room so I could see the dresses as she tried them on. Lovely. Beautiful. Like it, but wrong color. We were finishing up and I remembered the shorts.

I put them on.

They were too big!

Are you flipping kidding? I went to get a size 20.

And they fit!

I haven't been in a size 20 since I was 30 years old! No, seriously! I haven't seen that number in such a long time.

I couldn't believe it.

My old clothes don't fit me anymore. They are too large and fall off me. I decided to eliminate the unnecessary - both in clothes and attitude.

I am going through my closet and drawers with a new sense of pride to remove all the larger clothing that had defined me in one way or another in the past. Clothes that were too tight, uncomfortable and ill-fitting. Some were downright embarrassing. Although I tried to dress as "hip" or "trendy" as possible, I still felt like I was dressing a moose. Unfortunately, that moose was me.

But, now? I have gone from a size 28 to a size 20 in seven weeks. It's unreal.

I'm beginning to shed old layers of me through this transition. Smaller clothes is just an example of how this transition is changing me for the better. A reminder that this is truly working. An outward example of the hard work and dedication I'm putting in to my new me. Carmen 2.0.

It is a testament to the calories, chews and ounces of water counted. The time spent shopping for the necessary foods to continue to make progress. The dedication of steps taken each day to allow my body to move, stretch and strengthen. A testament to this tool, this surgery and this decision.

I know it was the right one. And, my new, size 20 shorts are just one more reminder that I am on the right path.

Experimenting with Food

"What you eat today will impact how you live tomorrow."
- Unknown

I believe I have mentioned once or twice how much I enjoy food. Didn't get to be my size not liking food, so there's that.

I was bummed with the thought of never having pasta again. No carbs. Ugh.

Having to measure and weigh and watch what I eat dampened my spirits on food - for a while. But, now, not so much.

I was introduced to an array of food choices at Lucky's Market here in St. Louis. A wonderful, joyous place. Yes, there is Whole Foods and Trader Joe's, but Lucky's has a nice, cozy homespun feeling I enjoyed when I walked in. I found so many options there.

Take the Organic Soybean Spaghetti. You heard me. Soybean Spaghetti. Oh. My. Goodness!

What an amazing product.

A little sautéed onion, garlic, mushrooms and shrimp; sprinkle some parmesan cheese. Lordy. It was tasty. Packed with protein and, not one carb in site!

I'm actually enjoying coming up with new combinations of foods to try and recipes to tackle. Especially now that my food choices are much more expansive than protein shakes and oatmeal...eek!

My lovely niece bought me a Paleo magazine chock full of ideas I'm going to try. My daughter already got in to the avocado with egg breakfast! Yum! And, lunch today? Avocado and chicken lettuce wraps! Can hardly wait.

I guess what I have learned the most these last couple of days is that food doesn't have to be boring when you are eating healthy (my sister is probably slapping her forehead right now with a "what have I been saying?" kind of expression on her face). It took surgery to make me realize this phenomenon. But at least I got there!

And, what I love most about my new appreciation of flavorful, healthy food is that my daughter is recognizing it too. I hope I can help her see how what she eats today will impact her tomorrow as well.

It certainly has been a tough lesson for me to understand ... until now.

But at least I got there!

Next? We're trying cauliflower rice! Can't wait!

Start of Week 7

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit."
- Aristotle

I'm entering in to my 7th week since surgery. Amazing what 49 days can do.

New habits. New outlooks. New realities.

It's only 49 days. A month and a half. Seven weeks.

In these 49 days since my surgery my emotions have been everywhere, but my eating habits have been wonderful.

In these 49 days I have learned to move more, and enjoy it.

I have learned to savor salmon and tilapia.

I've stopped taking diabetes insulin and blood pressure meds.

Dropped three sizes (from a 28 to a 22).

Dropped 38 pounds.

Amazing.

Experts say that is takes 21 days to break a habit or start a new one. It took me twice as long, but I'm catching on. Slowly but surely.

It has taken this time to really get my eating down to a science. I prepare my meals and take my time to enjoy them. I prepare my cupboards so I'm never without the tools necessary for success. That's never happened before. Of course, it is necessary now for a myriad of reasons (nausea, dumping, sickness, etc) but it has worked as a tool to slow me down and build this new reality in to a habit.

When I tell people how long it has been since surgery they usually answer, "already?" Yes. Already. Time feels both fleeting and slow. These life changes were hard to come by. It took surgery for me to finally begin to conquer them.

And, really conquer isn't the right term. Because I will never really conquer my weight loss. This surgery is a mere tool. But, I'm going to have to work on it day in and day out. Making it a habit helps tackle that daily struggle, but I have to be sure that I don't slip back to old habits.

I'm not seeking excellence. I'm seeking a new way of living. A new way of eating. A new relationship with food that always had been one-sided for me. And food always won.

But no more.

To paraphrase Count von Count, I say, "AH, AH, AH! Seven! Seven is the number for new habits!"

It Is What It Is

"Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows."
- Unknown

For a few days I've been really wondering what led me to this decision. This surgery. This time.

I've been overweight for a while now and weight loss surgery has been around a while now, so why...now, now?

Of course, I have answers at the ready when someone asks. "To be healthier." "To break from my addiction." "To add a few years to my old-self." "Want to like what I see in my reflection."

And, those are all true. But they're not all true at the same time. I know, confusing.

But do I really need a reason? Do I have to put words to my decision right now?

Seems like my reasons ebb and flow with each day. Each moment brings about a new reason why this decision, this surgery came at this time. Each day brings about new rewards for having made this decision too.  So, I guess it doesn't really matter why.

It just is what it is.

Why question?

Why wonder?

Why answer?

I'm living my life right now with this surgery. My past is my past. And, no matter if the weight loss surgery would have been available to me through my insurance, I had won the lotto, or what ever means to have surgery in the past, the truth is, it's happening now. In this moment.

My past doesn't matter why. What matters is what's happening now. Because...

It is what it is. Let's move on.

Half Full

"Of course I look at the glass half full. The only time I would look at it half empty is when I think of how good the first half tasted."
- Drew Deyoung

I can't help myself. I'm a half full kinda gal. Always have been. Always will be.

Don't get me wrong. I have my days when I have to refill my glass, but overall....I'm good.

However, I have been quite down lately. If you have read past posts you know my sister is going through a huge fight with cancer. I'm trying to remain half full. I'm trying so hard to remain positive.

Positive is different than strong. It takes strength to be positive, for sure, but it's different. And, that's what I'm having a hard time figuring out.

Positive is having hope. Hope for a welcomed outcome. For a bright tomorrow. See the light and goodness in things, emotions, people, places.

I tend not to dwell on the half empty part of life. I leave the negative feelings and thoughts to others. In fact, I have a dear friend who is the yin to my yang.

She always says she's half empty. She keeps me real. She helps keep me balanced. I hate that she's half empty, but love her for it at the same time.

It's hard to see that realism and hope can be a positive mixture. That they are not mutually exclusive. That by looking at both the full and empty parts of your glass you are facing truth.

And, realism is what you need sometimes. Be real. Be in the moment. Be truthful. Remain hopeful, positive through it all.

And, think of how good that half full glass tastes.